Judge — July 11, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE J ON UDGE. THE ROAD. Tales of Travellers, Gulliver not Being One of Them. Cusby, Brown, and Lang journied the greater part of the way | from St. Paul to Omaha in the smoking compartment of a Pull- man, At the end of a couple of hours Cusby, having exhaueted his cigar ease, went down into his pistol pocket for his pipe and pulled out instead a new nickle-plated revolver which he had Fought in St. Paul and this dangerous plaything he proceeded to examine in a reckless fashion. “Say, Gus, don’t handle that thing so carelessly,” protested Brown. “Tt isn’t loaded, Josh, so don’t fash yourself,” putting it in his pocket again, neverthel . . | “Boys, L'il tell yon what, more people are accidentally killed ‘d than loaded weapons,” Josh went on. ‘ We read of yin which folks are killed by guns that have not been loaded in years.” “That reminds me of the old chap who had an umbrella whose orformances surprised him a good deal,” said I, “ Have you fel- is heard the story?” If we have, Lang, the cigars on you, as laid down by statute in such cases made and provided,” said Gus. “Very well,” [ assented.‘ There was, once upon a time, an old gent who by purchase, inheri- tance, or some legitimate means came into possession of a green cot- ton umbrella, and when abroad whatever the weather, he was never seen apart from this article, which, by the way, he very high- ly valued. One day, as he was walking in the fields wearing the umbrel 1, he came to the foot of a ridge, the top of which was somewhat higher than his Just as he was about to end he heard footprints ap- naching on horse-back—Don't, s, | beg pardon; put the pis- way —I mean to he heard ht noise, and glancing up, plump rabbit skipping along on top. ‘Thunder,’ exclaimed the old gent, ‘if this umbrella was only a gun, I'd have rabbit- stew for supper,” and so saying he levelled the parasol at puss. At that moment a fellow on the other side of the ridge, who was provided with a sure enough gun, anged away, and the little beast dropped with the ua sickening thud. ‘The old man lowered his umbrella and exain- ined it with mixed astonishment and curiosity. ‘ Wonderful,’ he exclaimed, ‘here I've carried this darned thing for eighteen years and never knew it was loaded ’.” “That's a very fair illustration of my meaning, Lang.” said Brown, Did Lever tell you of the painful death of my old friend and customer, Slab, of Oshkosh? Ie came to his end by monke ing with an empty rifle, and in a very uncomfortable way.—But, never mind that incident, I want to relate a yarn of hisearly busi- ness life, Slab succeeded in business a fellow well known in his part of the country as the rankest practical joker of the d He tried his didos on Slab, but that joke was the last he was e known to attempt. You see, Slab came from the back country a very raw lad and engaged with Memoriam—that was the other fellow’s name, 1. N. Memoriam—to do the old gentleman’s chores about his house, and to sweep out the shop. One day the old man told Slab that he wanted him to sit up and watch the body of a man who had been dead two days and who was laid out invan em pty room above the store. Accordingly, at the appointed hour, which was some- where near midnight, the old man’s assistant took Slab up to the room, which was dimly lighted by charging him on no acconnt to drop asleep, left him alone with the body, which was decently covered with a white sheet. Now, this body was no other than that appertaining to I, Memoriam, k himself, and was as thoroughly alive as mine is now. Un- derstand? Well, the boy took a chair, pulled a book out of his pocket, lit a clay pipe, and settled down comfortably for the night. Just before twelve a tremendous thunder storm came on with all the trimmings of lightning and wind. ‘The candle flickered and threw fantastic shadows about the room A tree just outside creaked in the wind, and a projecting branch tapped the window from time totime uncannily. Just as the town-clock struck twelve, the supposed corpse groaned heavily and raised his right arm stiffly above his head. The boy int or make a break for the door, as Memoriam expecte ir, he simply crossed over and replaced the arm, just as if dead people were in the habit of going through such calisthenics regularly. ‘Then the body reposed quietly until a flash of lightning threw a vivid blue glare in the room, when he groaned more heavily than before and raise: both arms above his head. ‘The lad, not a bit funked, remarking only that this was the darndest corpse he ever heard of, crossed over again and replaced the arms. Old Memoriam was considerably puzzled by all this, but concluded to try itagain. Waiting until a sudden gust of wind had blown out the candle, he let loose an unearthly howl at the moment when a tremendous clap of thun- der knocked all the milk in the neighborhood sour, and sat up- right with both arms extended wide, Slab was equal to the ocea- sion. He laid his pipe carefully on the table, took off his coat, rolled up his sleeves, and went over to the body. Shaking his in the old n a single candle, and, after act like a stiff I'll use you hke a ’m not bound to respect an that monkeys as you ving, he fetched him a clip under the right ear that made him yell, then taking him by the crop, he bounced him about the room vigorously, Mercy,’ wailed the corpse. “No mercy here,’ replied Slab. ‘I'll sweep the floor and calci- mine the walls with you. When I get through there won't be a green spot left for Old Memoriam to take up in the morning, if he has all the benzine in town,’ lamming his bead against the wall by way of emphasi “Don’t, O, don’t. “© Yon lie, you miserable stiff. Your name is Jack Saureub and you’ve been dead two days.’ And he took him around the waist and hove him into a far corner. “Just then the assistant made his apy and a blank look in his pale face. “«* For heaven’s sake, Slab, what have you been doing with the corpse,’ he said as he threw the light on the face of the undertaker who had fainted under rough treatment. “Why, the goll darned old cuss fooled so I turned to and gave him a rattling good licking,’ explained Slab. ‘I guess he'll dead now till he’s planted.” “Gentlemen,” sung out the porter, putting his head into the doorway at this point, ‘* Gentlemen, dinner is ready in the dining car.” lam Memoriam, I’m not dead,’ arance, a lamp in his hand ith me until I got tired, L. L, LANG, ‘The maiden bright, when comes the night, Her person tastily adorning, nt talk suggests a walk, Id ice-cream thus giv ‘ou warning. the “sponge” at once will lunge, And strike you for a “quarter: ” Takes half-a-dime with grace sublime— Takes anything but water! roasted may be or have been. | More Journalistic Enterprise Wanted. | What great New York journal now will start a free roller skating rink for indigent children and set up fresh taffy and fresh a-nut funds? prise will never stop until every babe has jfree and wholesome pap—whatever its mam **Heave us a line; " ye captain cried, Of ye vessel laden low With corn unto G ctu rbor, ob. skipper. nay,” No chiropodist I know; rself, for this chap wants Nary corn upon his tow.” Journalistic enter- | comicbooks.com