Judge — June 20, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE J BUREAU OF GENERAL ADVICE. by proprietors of publications to | pplicants all the funds that they can lay ways introduce a contribution to an the information that you are in pressing need py; or that you are trying to support two blind parents ly writing; or that’ you are a cripple and have no other means of gaining a livelihood, Such facts these throw floods of ht upon your production, revealing unnoticed beauties here 1 unnoticed touches of power there, and the editor has only to print the articles with a foot-note explaining that they were as written. by per or blind parent-supporter for his subscribers too, to see these beauties and touches of power, and rush ina mad stampede to buy extra co Subseribers do not care so much | to get inter ading-matter as to help support the needy and | unfortunate all over the United States. If you do not speak of your own circum afew words about the merits of the article, to the editor’s needs, tell him so. He is ignorant of just what 1 to his wants, and finds such suggestions delightfully Be sure and get the letter long enough. If an editor fewer than three pages, he tosses it into the arding it as beneath his notice. If an editor has publish hing which you do not like, write him a strong, terse, pungent letter and tell him so in a manner which he cannot understand as anything less than disapproving. An editor worthy of the name knows that it is his solemn duty to make everything in every paper please everybody. He longs to alter the whole tone of his paper to suit an individual crank, and when ten cranks hold ten different opinions, he gladly publishes ten different styles of the same number, so as to suit them all. When you write for the Press, write in a flourishy, unintelli- gible, ly hind of a hand. The editor laughs for joy to come across such a manuscript, and as for the compositors, cach word has for them all the thrilling interest of yundrum, and they show them to each other as such, and banter each other and roar with merriment and frisk about gleefully, and all gocs merry asa all of them digest their dinners easily and they lessings upon you asa public benefactor. On the other hand, a man who writes legibly 18 exposed to all sorts of perils, I knew a young man who dared to write so that his name could be easily deciphered and who even had the unparalleled audaci tice to improve his penmanship. 'T mark the sequel. ‘That man was gored new plug hat and the Editorsare hugely gratified upon the receipt of long, prosy letters; but the time when an editor’s heart fairly leaps for joy, and his mouth waters with anticipation, is when he sees a long-haired pensive individual with a roll of manuscript under hi ing he is a m ent the sanctum, for then he knows that out to enjoy a jui interestit g, delightfully long narrative of the would-be contributor sitics, hopes and aspirations. He joyfully nees, try to write If it is adapted A ler, a mad bull and lost a history. struggles, ne throws aside the dry old editorial upon which he is engaged and turns with cordial smile and outstretched hand to greet the welcome stranger. Now is your time. Be careful not to broach the subject of the manuscript too abruptly, but rather lead the willing hearer up to it by gradual approaches.” Begin by telling him that from your earliest childhood you have been of a thoughtful tarn of mind. (At this point assume your brainiest look). Then say that you used UDGE. | to hope that one you might be recognized as a genius. look modest, if possible). Go on to say that your parents hoped that your hope might not be in vain. Next, if you can relate how your Aunt Reliance hoped that your parents’ hope in your hope might be realized, you will afford the edit usin of voluptuous joy such as it is rarely his lot to know. y cough twice and say that your ‘friends have induced ” you to enter the lists (here take the manuscript from under your arm) of contributors, and that you desire a candid opinion concerning this trifling sketch here, flung off in an idle hour. (N. B. Do not on any account forget the “idle hour.” Articles upon which any hard labor has been spent are absolutely worthless). Immediately proceed to read it aloud in | a sonorous tone, giving their full value to all punctuation marks. If any passage tastes like a sweet morsel under your tongue, repeat two or three times and thus permanently stamp it upon the | editor’s memo When the reading is at last concluded, pass the | manuscript confidently to the editor and tell him to name his own price. Money is a secondary matter with you, What you want is his candid opinion. You will probably get it. a. a. CUMMINGS. (Here THE MUGWUMP'S SOLILOQUY. To kick, or not to kick;—t Whether ‘tis better for us tamely to submit To all the frauds our sham reformer, Cleveland, Doth practice on us, or to fly Back to th And thu From its ju yosom of the Republican party, ¢ provoked be expelled, he fate we bi here's the rub; Our hopes of high preferment and oflicial pap In the near future. Who v AU's paw, bat Democratic chestnuts from the fire, nur Great Reformer’s cause her let us bear the slights we ‘Than fly to others that we know not of, Virtues Since een with this perforc pwn reward; be our sweet solace this we now must be cx TN eR conypheticARd rowl BR pase ge Statlyesyaes Queen of 5, pZourigsque. he spigs\areug? uper b sbhaviaged cioekis, ick charm: ait sera a cen BE oh aakes je ‘Sheng all the 3 Rive JSopares ir glee tights AQ? s (x0 carriages aga flowers Cyronn 1a; CW sites 38 os gegen Yor champagge suppers, with her Simic! e's bille ¢Bx1 oer her hed have” Polled- 95 you would How te gee her be) i Wig, and wash, the paigt all Sf, Rew should my reatey” mest 4 Sites play Dont say I'gave her ‘ase away; Because she michtc ave Te barred ort ‘From higd the Heensy, whert lve abt. \STRersweatest “mash"that teeadstl ay ess feet whe hearts Her love fy? mez is 0g’ Hind machi ‘an Smats ‘taculdf. J oe aa wees} Leg, skye det! gt ae in comicbooks.com