Judge — June 20, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. loading my briarwood, was soon busily en- gaged pufling out huge clouds of smoke, and constructed untaxable air castles on their puffy foundations. Let me rest in fancied pence. After all, what is better than a uilder with plenty o of ground to build upon. —Gen. Butler ma 1s mighty direct at reaching a foe-cuss. [Texas Siftings. For country editors suffering from dys- pepsia a physician recommends patent in- sides, - [Boston Courier. Mrs. Pieman says that her husband’s ser- mons have the merit of being short, and while interlarded with flowery material, are not the least bit crusty.—[ Yonkers Gazette. An English epitaph says: “Erected to the memory of John Philips, accidentally shot, as a mark of affection by his brothers.” [S. F. Argonaut. —An anxious inquirer wants to know what will cause a mother more paint to seo her child suffer pain. The only answer we know is to see her children suffer. [Waterloo Observer. —‘“ Tommy,” said a San Antonia mother to her little boy, “your uncle will be here to dinner to-day, and you must have your face washed.” —_** Yes, ma; but s’posin’ he doesn’t come. What then?” [Cambridge Tribune. —Miss Annie Lippincott, an American girl, who has gone into the opera singing business abroad, is known in France as Anita Armour. This name announced in Cincin- nati or Chicago would be packing houses. [New Orleans Picayune. A. new style of note paper is called the « Antique.” When a young man makes an epistolary proposal of marriage to a woman of 40 years and $40,000, he should use ‘“‘an- tique ” note paper—if ‘fool's ”-cap is not handy.—[Norristown Herald. A Bridgeport, Conn., man had a “ revela- tion ” that the lord wanted him to work for fifty cents a day less than he was receiving. This is the first instance of the kind on record. Usually the ‘revelation ” comes to the emplo: [Texas Siftings. A profane man in town has so much re- spect for the King James’ version of the Old ‘Testament that he proposes to continue to swear by it. Ie says the word sheol is not 80 soothing to the pent-up feelings as tho old one.—[ Norristown Herald. When Philip of Macedon wrote to the Spartan ephors: “If [enter Laconia I will level Lacedwmon to the ground,” he received for answer the single but significant word, “if.” This is, perhaps, the finest example of laconic utterance on record. [Texas Siftings. The Philadelphia Times has been telling an affecting little story—perhaps a pure ro- mance,who knows?—about President Cleve- land’s ‘Dead Love.” But s—sh. Wo wouldn’t for the world have Henry Watter- son suspect that he ever had a rival. [Buffalo Express. A telegraph reporter says that the daugh- ter of a New Jersey farmer ran off with one of her father’s hands, It does not state which hand, but if it were the one the old gentleman used to xalap mosquitoes with, it was a most unfilial act.—[San Franciscan. A correspondent wants to know why boys whistle and men do not. Boys whistle out of inherent perversity or something of that sort; buta man soon runs his whistle and that is the end of it. He drowns it by too much wettin And this is the one good thing thatecan be said of tippling.—[Boston ‘Transcript. —* Black is very becoming to you,” re- marked a Waco gentleman to’ newly made widow, “Yes. If my dear, deceased husband had had any idea how well I would look in mourning, I really don’t believe he would have died,” was the candid rep!: [texas Siftinge. —A gentleman at Middleton, Conn., when the time came for a collection in church the other Sunday, gave his son some money to put in the box, He wassurprised, when the ox was passed, to see the little fellow hold onto the money. On being asked why he did this he answered, ‘Saving it for the circus.”—[Lynn Reporter. —“When I grow up I will be aman, won’t 1?” asked a little Texas boy of his mother. “Yes, my son. If you want to be a man, you must be industrious at school and learn how to behave yourself.” “Why, ma, do lazy boys turn out to be women when they grow up?” [Texas Siftings. —Dar’s er good deal o’ hippercritness “bout de pusson whut "fuses ter eat er dove "case dat bird foun’ de lan’ fur Noah, Er dove ain't no better satisfied den when, jes’ behin’ de patridges, he is er heppin’ to pull up de young co’n. | Ef I had de dove whut foun’ de lan’ I wouldn’ eat him, but all de udder ones mus’ look out fur me. [Arkansaw ‘Traveler. —A minister forgot to take his sermon with him to church, and his wife discovering his mistake sent it to him in charge of a small boy, who was to receive ten cents for the job. Presently he returned for the money. ‘* You delivered the sermon, did you?” she asked. ‘I jes’ guy it to him; ho’s a deliverin’ of it himself.” [Religious Herald. “ Yes,” said Mrs. Catchem, ‘those are my daughters over there on the sofa; they have half a million between them.” It was not until after they were married to those daughters, that the two young men who overheard the above remark found out that Mrs. Catchem referred to the rich old codger who sat on the sofa between the girls. Mr. Catchem couldn’t tell a fib, but she knew how to speak the truth advantageously. [Boston Transcript. —The convention wandered to fruit. “Some people can tell by the feeling of a watermelon whether it is ripe or not, but I never could,” said one. “T have a test that never fails,” said Mockabee; ‘and I can tell to a dead ¢ tainty every time whether the melon is ripe or green.” “* How do you do it?” “Plug it.” —The Brockton Faterprise says that a vencrable and prominent lawyer of the Old Colony, who died recently, noted for his dry and joking remarks, called his son to him as he lay ill in bed, and, putting on a solemn expression, said: ‘John, I’ve just J and the other selling whiskey. | hibitionists have become lost in the shuffle one more request to n When I am buried see to it that one of those hand tire grenades are put in the coflin.” A good deacon was once meandering along the docks on Sunday, and, noticing a crowd of boys fishing, he commenced to reprove them ‘for breaking the Sabbath. In the middle of his harangue he stopped suddenly to ejaculate: * Look out, bub, you've got a bite,” to a small boy whose attention had been distracted from his line. Human na- ture was too strong for him. [S. F. Argonaut. —Drugwump is anew political term in Kansas, the exact meaning of whitch is not yet known, It is probable that it will even- ly aftix itself to the people who buy thei whiskey on medical prescriptions, and in that event there will be two parties in the state, Arugwumps and druggists, one consuming The Pro- somewhere.—[Chicago Herald. —It was at the breakfast table. Mr. Smilingboy was telling M he had attended the night before. said he, “ my dear, you'd ha eel lMdchigg if you could have seen it!” ‘Then he added, ina tone of burning enthusiasm, “ How I wish you'd been there!” Even now, he can- not quite understand why Mrs. S’s ‘remarks directly afterward took such an unusually and violently personal turn. [Harper’s Bazar. —Another legal story I have never heard before relates to General Butler and Judge Moar. ‘The judge is a very dignified man, has no relish for pleasantries in court, such as the General enjoys, and besides, does not love the General very much. One day the judge read an extract from some law book, and the General, as is his wont, asked to see it.‘ There it lies,” said the judge, sternly, as he pointed toit. «Y id the Ge eral, as he took it up; ‘there it does lie!” ‘The dignified court got decidedly the worst of that bout.—[Globe. —The bicycle is a novelty in northern Denmark. A. bicyclist on a tour in that region not long since became benighted, and lighting his lamp, rode at topmost speed for many miles along a lonely highway in the dar! A countryman whom he met was stricken with terror and fell upon his knees, in which position he was found by a be- lated letter carrier. ‘¢ What is the matter?” the postman asked. ‘What indeed?” stammered the peasant; ‘ for the devil has just gone by ona windmill; and God have mercy on me! ”—[Lynn Reporter. HY Sam, got home late agin de udder night, an’ my mudder she say, ‘Chile, you bin ont so late agin dis “T’se ‘bin out callin’ on a y says. «Well, chile, why you don't come home *fore midnight?’ she says. * Kaze I couldn't git a before. Kaze the lady were a settin’ on my hat, an’ I was too much of a gemmen 1 her ’tention to de circumstance,’ I «Well, now, honey,” she says, “jes? look achere, an” you ‘member dis now, or you git leff out. Next time you visits a lady jes’ Keep your hat off yo —[Boston Record. Mrs, Lucy M. Buckner, of Braidentown, Fla., was editor of a paper called Progress, She got married recently, when she sent a note to her assistant announcing the fact, and sayin; I have no further interest in Progress, and do not care what you do with it.” That’s just the way with some women comicbooks.com =