Judge — June 13, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

poeeaet ween ee aes sor a ONE OF THE RISING GENERATION Business Max—‘ Live with your parents First Boy—** Verh, sir.” Bustvess Man (to boy number two)—‘ Do you live with your parents ? Srconp Bov—* No 3° but J live off ov ’en.” MY GRANDMOTHER'S PIPE t andmother's pipe, I remember it weil, 1 she stuck to it many a year rew old and strong as she old ut it brow; Pufling away, s! ste, and I wear a gold headed cane with a nicer grace than any man in town. My moustache is, in faith, not imposing to the 1 glance, but those who survey. it ly agree with me in declaring that it is | twisted ina way that is quite military. Inad- e would sit until | dition to these charms Iam reported to make | And think of the things that had bee something of a sensation in the theatres and Nor take the pipe out of her mouth unless have made more than one fair creature's To scratch her nose with her chin, ; heart beat quicker when I transfixed her | with my eye-gi Therefore the vulgar envy me. But Lam not happy. Indeed sometimes I | would like to have a good cry, the do when they are miserable For I cannot | conceal from myself the fact that I am bald. I don’t know why. It seems cruel that | those locks which I have always oiled and brushed with such care should at last have Grandmother's pipe, it wascracked like her voice, | Ueserted me. If T had a lofty forhead I But words aad smoke never would waste woald not mind it so much, _ But—well no at in acloud, like a goddess of old— a Hor, i i think that Providence is really ean. I do. ih hae sen of a tooth te er head | After smail boys I consider barbers to be . : the most abominable creatures in life. Very But she held it quite firm by the ster fte I hs looked at y barber with bot And only when scolding the children Often > eve loonee 8 my Server Mie) 60 And then it meant trouble for them. austere gaze that would abash a Vereen of fine sensibilities, But it had no chasteniug And smoking that pipe never hindered her talk, | inflaence over him, I sometimes fancied he And the suction was ever the best king sport of me. For he always cast Though 1 know the tobacco was always the worst, tions on my moustache and advised his And the pi a rest dful con ions for the improvement of nd when she all away its color, He insinuated that | might have Gime ater success in whiskers. Ie even went We buried her with d tear 80 far as to persuade me into ordering a wig! But we buried the pipe with great pride How it came about was in this way. 1 De eaaiw was patiently enduring my barber's sneering comments on my baldness one day, when an My Wig. elderly gentleman came in and delivered — himself into the hands of the assistant tonsor. y8 and other irresponsible and | He presented a perfectly bald head to. the ctionuble creatures call me a dude—but | operator. ** Take the ends off,” he said. what of that? [am at that pleasant time of | It seemed almost as though he wanted his life when vanity is strongest and the ex- | head cut, failing his hair. However, the cellence of personal appearance seems more | hair dresser began a course of snipping and dportaat than any qualities of the mind. | clipping. » calm, stolid man that had seen My | \ | nd weak cr f cheer, her a vod deal You'd smell it before ¥ | And when you i She would the fire-place hour after hi While that pipe and the children It was blackened with age, but it 1 Without it she ne'er was co mt And cost us a good deal of Bat it cost her on t close to the house 1 Would choke; ot in y he'd smoke fed her well rouble and pain— a cent, si t dropped, Indeed I have always carried myself with so | n. joke in hair cutting for many ayear. He fine an air that folks are persuaded into re- | would have pretended to dress the locks of a || garding me as a very considerable person. | base !all if the job had come to him in the || My income is easy enough to allow a good | ordinary way of business; and tucked the tailor, my cravats and gloves are models of | apron round it and asked whether it wanted to be shampooed or subjected to any other ridiculous treatment. ‘This imperturbable hair dresser completed his task, carrying out the notion to the last that he had been cut- ting the old gentleman’s hair by violent! blowi wn his neck and making great pretence of brushing the gentleman’s coat. After this farce was over the old gentleman took something ont of his hat and asked for some er. Ile wetted the thing on the inside and clapped it on his head. It was a wig. Gracious! thought I, are wigs then stuck on the head like postage stamps on letter? The old gentleman. straightened himself before the glass, slapped his legs jauntily with his cane and left the places very young man indeed. Upon which I im- mediately ordered a wig, too. “Your head down sir. Will you have it over your ears or unde Well, I should recommend it brought over with a sweet curl or two at the sid It came home in due time with the bill. ‘The wig was in a box securely sealed, 1 was grateful for t It assured me that there could have been no curious tampering with the precious inclosure on the part of the ser- vants or my fellow boarder I locked myself and the wig in the room, With trembling fingers I broke the seals and took it out. It looked very soft and glossy, curly and delicate. After much patting and humoring I settled it on satisfactorily Then I examined—nay I may almost cross examined — my new aspect in the glass, ‘The novelty over, I began to like my new adornment very much—it was cle- gunt, graceful and eminently boyish look- ing. I putmy hat onas I had scen the elderly gentleman do at the barber's. Surely one would discover that I wore a wig. mY appearance was indisputably effec tive. “The curls came down under my and clustered round my neck and temp! an aggreeable and natural way It appeared so very natural that I took a new pleasure in strolling up Broadway in the afternoon. I was sure that nobody suspected it—and yet I was careful to avoid any en- counter with street boys, for I felt I was in their power if they knew my secret. One dreadful boy indeed thrust his tongue out at me and entreated the public to ‘‘git onto it” in a vulgar and distressing manner, but I could not ascribe this tomy wig. And when I chanced to meet Jones I fancied that he had a needless grin of inquiry on his face, but I am not prepared to confess that he detected it. Still all this was with my hat on, Let me hurry to a close. T sought a comical test. I visited the Bijou theatre and sat in my usual place in the front row. In the course of the play I went out as was my custom, and on returning I had some difficulty in getting back to my seat. ‘The curtain was up—there arose the usual rude murmurs of “sit down in front—you there—sit down.” Something prompted me to disregard these warnings. ‘They were repeated. “Sit down, fat un! Can't you hear?” I was annoyed by these ribald remarks and still refused to obey “Hey! sit down there! torian voice from the r “Sit down can’t ye. You dude in the wig,” whereupon the audiance laughed ina most unfeeling and indelicate way. Isat down. But at the first opportunity, I crept out of the theatre quietly and perhaps quickly. I was detected, “undone. I lighted my fire and burned the wig and went to bed a homelier but a happier man. HILLARY BELL, sin shouted a sten- comicbooks.com