Judge — June 13, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. BUREAU OF GENERAL ADVICE. ADVICE TO BOYS. Tue one mark by which you can distinguish a smart boy is his disrespect toward his parents, Your father undoubtedly means well, but he is fogyish and terribly slow—has none of the “lightning glance ” and ‘cold fiendish smile” which are going to charactize you when you are grown up. It may not be politic to ignore his authority—you tried it once with unfavorable results—but you can, with propriety, refer to him as ‘‘ the old man,” and can let him see plainly that he has no common, tame boy to deal with. Your mother is, at best, only a woman, and this fact should be sufficient > insure your pitying contempt. ‘Treat her with mild, compas- sionate scorn, and be scrupulously careful to ignore all her advice. In this way you can lay up a pleasant store of reflections for after life; for nothing will thrill a middle-aged man with keener pleasure than the remembrance of how he used to grieve his mother. You can never be a man until you have learned tosmoke. The delicate tissues of your mouth and lungs, as well as the subtler tissues of your brain, cannot properly be regarded as in working order until they have been well dried by tobacco smoke. Nature leaves them in a crude state, the sagacity of the individual to complete the work. So smoke you must. If you cannot afford to buy a cigar, seek some luscious discarded remnant and rekindle its sacred fires, . Teachers are, by nature and education, petty. tyrants, and are therefore to be thwarted and annoyed in every possible manner. They gloat on staying after school for the sake of keeping their pupils, and assign long lessons through sheer malignity. Doevery- thing in your power to make them unhappy. Be especially careful to portray all your grievances to your parents and in these portra als, asin writing poetry, give your imagination full play patient and heroic stubbornness you may, perhaps, weary the teacher into hopelessness and triumph gloriously by graduating an idiot in spite of his mean efforts to elevate you. You cannot be too careful about your reading. Books of the proper sort are constantly being written by the best talent of the age, and retailed for the moderate price of one dime. Reading-mat- ter of as similarly elevating character may be found in the illustrated weekly papers for boys, which are published by men who have con- secrated their whole lives to the work of making upright and hon- orable citizens out of the coming generation. ‘These books and papers will not only furnish means of delightful recreation, but may usefully serve as hand-books of reference in emergencies similar to those described. You remember how Gatling Gath, the Gory | Terror of Gommersdorf, rushed amid the red-skins—or were they | bandits?—waving his blade on high, and rescued the lovely, star- eyed Florimel. Now, it is high time that the public woke up to | these things. It is astonishing that gray-haired deacons and rich business men dare to tempt Providence by recklessly walking the streets without having a bowie-knife at the belt and a revolver in each pocket when such thrilling scenes are being enacted all over America; but do not you let their foolhardiness mislead you. Buy | a revolver and practice shooting promiscuously with it. This will good play at some time in the near fotare. Who knows but the ndians may be contemplating a raid on your town, and you may be called upon to save by your intrepidity the whole town from destruction, Or it may “be that some robber chieftain and his | i ctice § | thir afford intense gratification to the neighbors, and may come into | gu a secret cave mi at hand, and will ed girl across the way from your house? and then you will track them to their retreat and cover the thun- derstruck villains with your revolver and make your appearance in the town with the rescued Polly Jones on your arm and the out- laws driven like sheep before you; and then Polly will strike an attitude (like the lovely Florimel) and say: “To thee, daunticss hero, I owe me life! Receive me heart an’ me hand!” ‘If you had the enormous wealth of Bloody Clutch, the Wizard of Wallenford, you might buy a horse and practice riding by midnight through the streets, with the bridle-rein between your clenched teeth, aud wave a torch in either hand to paralize the town folk, as he did; but as you cannot, perhaps, afford to buy and keep a death-black steed, and as you may betray a healthy but most un-hero-like tendency to go to sleep ut nine o'clock in the evening, perhaps it will be as well to postpone this daring feat until you have discovered the hidden treasure, concealed by pirates centuries ago within the bosom of the beach hard by. An old woman, carrying a lot of bundles and walking on a slippery sidewalk, is a splendidly appropriate object of merriment, and when she falls flat, the only course left open to one who would preserve the flower of gallantry in his soul isto burst into a roar of laughter. The b who, under such circumstances would assist her to her feet and restore her bundles to her, thereby wantonly destroying the enjoyment of a whole group of loafers, is a brute and ought to be kicked. Cut his acquaintance. ARTHUR M. CUMMINGS. outlaw crew are hiding in abduct the little freckle-no: POEM. Ob, sweetly sings the Jum.jum in the Koolokalee tree, And the Toolum in the Ponjee bush is warbling glad and free, Where the fl Across the flunkwinky flower th From out the sh: And thro Parsue Kankylonky wel Flakypull the Lumtum winks his eyes, 1 the mirrored Neggynogg the Plunk with silver fin swoggy bug, the brilliant Finnytinn. Along the rocky Lobbylub the Flumsy runs with speed, Where Flamilains chatter ni and the Fummytummys breed: Where savage Saggologgyluggs hunt down down the ¢ groom, And Crinkoes kill the Pocklewocks and Clankups mock the moon; There too the imp-eyed Plunkylunks pursue the Pimplepoon, ‘The Boodums chant their Toor And all the Nollynoddlenubs join with the ( To mock the Peedlewiddleups and Klankies with their so e their rune, Beware the gloomy Glampup and the Drookink in bis den, The fierce Kalloolylankyloo, the sava; If qou wouldst save thy shrinking soul, beware the K Ob, shun the Shumtytrumpaloo, the ruthless Krankc Go ask the flery Tumbletop where all the victims are, The hungry Mookochuntowitz, the stealthy Pookopar, Avoid the Droelyhoo! thy fate, And flee the vengeful fury of the Mamsotoolypate. ho which tempts thee t Do'st ask what all these horrors mean? Go scek the wisdom of the Mu Nor dare to question in thy pride these spirits of my ve Or tempt the Flampydoodledump who guards it w So sang the noble Boody-1 ut from his evil den Uprose the giant Crunklechunk, and catching up his pen, ‘Transfixed the gifted Poet's heart, “Thus perish all,” said he “Who mock the Looloos and invade the realms of Pimplewee the Pampewoo, ts curse, Our Boarding House Again. It was a pretty cold night, and most of the boarders were hud- dled up together around the parlor stove that was giving ont about as much heat asa tallow candle. Presently young Singely, wno had been trying vainly to keep warm for the last half hour, stood up and examined the feeble heater critically. “Very ornamental, isn’t it,” said Mrs. irindham. “1 paid dollars for it, only last fall. I always get the best for my “T think I'll get one like it when I’m married,” said Singely, “but for a different use. “A different use, Mr. ? “Yes, I should make it take the place of an ice-box comicbooks.com