Judge — May 30, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

OYE As the summer time advances, s lair the picnic joke new spring pants is untry folk. pher, Who more dignified would seem, Tries to please the urban laughter, With « chestnut on ice-cream, [Ex. Some youths shave against the beard, while others shave down only. [Waterloo Observer. —Women They are not inventive as a rule. have no cagerness for new wrinkles [New Orleans Picayune. —Who wonders at the number of fanny writers on this continent. Wasn't it named after a merry cuss,—[St. Paul Herald. —If a hansom man is driving with a sulky girl, how will he pacify her? With a bus’! {St. Paul Herald, —-‘‘ Hair you there,” said the star boarder, as he fished the fragment of a sunny tre from a dish of spring butter. [St. Paul Times. —The disheartened Texan _ politician thinks President Cleveland was more of a success at hanging than decapitating. [St. Paul Herald. —Sneer as you may at the preacher's op- position to the rink, there can be no doubt that it adds largely to the number of fallen women.—[St. Paul Herald, —dJones who has a tendency to search for the truth in parallel lin he cannot tell the nuked trath because his tonge is always coated. t. Paul Herald. —When a printer asks his best girl to give him a proof of ber love, she locks her form up in his m-brace and he puts his imprint on it,—[Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. —The prevarications of this spring’s circus posters have been manufactured with so much art as to make an ordinary epitaph feel anxious for its laurels, —[Texas Siftings. “Don't kick when he's down, And the reason for this is plain He might make it hot for the kicker some day When up on his feet folks say, [Boston Courier. —William D. Howells believes that it is easier for a man to seek the forgiveness of God than it is to seek the forgiveness of his wife. Certainly, lis wife might talk back.—[ Philadelphia Call, ‘The tendency to do wrong increases toward night,” says a well-known clergyman, I think this is very likely to be true, for when Adam ate the forbidden fruit it was near Eve.—[Boston Times. Queen Victoria must have corns, for at her reception nobody was allowed to come nearer than cight feet. Perhaps we do her an indice’ and it is only her breath that is -—[Ex. —‘‘ Papa, what is Wall street?” “* Wall street is a place where they raise lambsin the spring, shear them in the fall, and then tarn them loose to hustle for themselves in the winter."—[Evansvillo Argus. —Lightning struck a henhouse in Ilinois recently and killed twenty-five setting hens. THE JUDGE. ‘Those who have tried in vain to break a set- ting hen might make a note of this. [Philadelphia Call. —That was a conscientious humorist who broke off an engagement because his girl had chestnut hair.—[The Hatchet. “Only one man in one thousand can whistle,” says a writer. It is different with boys. About one thousand boys in a hun- dred can whistle. And the worst of it is, they don’t conceal the fact from the public. {Norristown Herald. ccording to the will of a Chicago man his ** dear wife” is to receive $10,000 in case she retains single two weeks after his death, He objects to having his funeral baked meats to colily furnish forth the marriage tables. [Bloomington E —In the European row everybody is first shouting for a loan, and after that for glory © ‘peace and honor.” glory and Russia a ‘ peace with honor of ground with Afghans on’er is pre- —[DPittsburgh Telegraph. Professor Langley, the astronomer, is said to be a most bashful man. And yet we have no doubt he will sit for hours looking at Venus through a telescope, long after ent people are abed and asleep. ‘That is ‘ays the way with these bashful men. [Lowell Citizen. —At Adrian, Mich., alady saw an engine- house with a steeple, and innocently asked a genth n attendant: ‘What church is that? The gentleman, after reading the sign, “ Deluge No. 3.” replied: * 1 guess it must be the ‘Third Baptist.” [Chicago Times. —The New York Tribune says: ‘There is probably no class of men engaged in any industry who are subjected to such suffe ings, privations and perils assailors.” ‘This having ‘*a wife in every port” is attended with great peril and suffering, no doubt, [Norristown Herald. —One of Wolseley’s soldiers was sentenecd to a month’s imprisonment for firing a shot at the Sphinx. he circumstance is all the more puzzling{from the fact that the Sphinx made no charge against him, — And besides, Wolseley should give his soldiers an oppor: tunity to shoot at something. (Norristown Herald. —Jones—‘* What has become of Brown Smith—“ Why, don’t you know? He's dead.” Dead!” “Yes; he died somewhere in Kentucky. He was found dead in a bath-tu ‘That's a likely story, now And why not? ot “How under the sun did a bath-tub ever get into Kentucky?”—[Philadelphia Call. —T'd like to know why it is,” said Billkins, ‘that a woman wants to be on the go all the time, and is never contented at home.” That’s not the way of ita all. id “What's the reason it isn’t? “ Because I’m contente ed at home a good share of the time.” “Well, I'd like to know when it is.” “When I’m asleep.” [Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. —The woodchuck commences digging beneath stone fences or fallen trees, — It is his policy to hide his hole as well as himself. His feelings are like those of a man who | ad didn’t went to Washington for an offi get it.—[New Orleans Preayune —** You've traveled a good di were you ever in a railroad colli “No; but 1 was blown up on a steamboat this winter.” “On your trip to New Orleans?” . Sikesby; ‘There wasn'ta How did it |, that’s singular, word in the papers about it. happen?” “My wife cau woman.”—[ Chic nt me flirting with another go Ledg —Mabel is o! y emotional nature and likes to read missives brim full of devotion, while Charles is of a cool and methodical temperament. “Charley dear, ” he asked one da don’t you send your letters registeres “ Rogistered,” echoed Charl have any difficulty in receiving then “Oh, no,” replied Mabel. “Then why should Lr “ Because they are so cold, [St. Paul Herald. —Dean Swift asserted that * There never appear more than five or six men of genius in anage.” That was whe a of the civilized world small. Why, look at the Mary Walker, El Mahdi, O Motor Kei rter Twain, ‘Talmage, Reil, the unknow started progressive cuchre and Skate and hundreds of others. ought to visit the earth now. [St. Paul Herald. HIS FATHER T HIM. Complaint was brought to Colonel Fiz- zletop that his boy Johnny had attacked and t on Dallas Boulevard, a much smaller \ The colonel took Johnny nd had a private conversation with n which joint discussion a strap played an important part. “Vil t you n vou “That's so,” sobbed Johnny, ‘that’s just What you are doing.” * What do you mean, you young scamp?” shonted the enraged parent, I mean, pap, taught me to whip little You're bigger than Jam, and you have been whipping me ever since I can re- member, sol thought it was all right for me to whip boys littler than myself.” [Texas Siftings. “why *Doyou er them?” an Rossa, Mark who Roller he Dean Harrison, TAUG to strike a smaller boy hors. EVIDENCE OF CULTIVATION. To meet with an evidence of cultivation, away off somewhere in the wor as charming as the sudden disc flower, lifting its perfumed petals in place where only weeds were expec grow. The day was dreary. Rain was falling. ‘The leafless trees, rattling their stiff fingers together, shivered; while o lly a rheumatic old oak, suf his joints to shriek, would ery out in acute pain, A house—lonel. do ohumble, with a stark chimney and clapboard roof, but al “Come in,” suid the whining, thou hh ‘hot unpleasant, voice of a woman. ** Git outen the way, will you,” she added, iivranttog the toe of a coarse shoe against the ribs of a ¢ “Tt do "peer like the dogs will take the place. t down, sir.” I sat down, sic The woman, while closely comicbooks.com