Judge — April 25, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

CONCORD PHILOSOPHY. the Whicbness of the Now 1 the Itness of the This Adainty maid with pouti And a time to snateb a kiss What is the Whereness of the Then And the Nearness of the Whot An old papa, with unRind haste And a number twenty shoe The Irrepressible Inventor “Come int” L bawled, knock at the door “Tam an inventor, man at my elbow, “Had L known that I would have shot you, rather than allow you to enter.” “In that case the world would have suffered,” replied the inventor, with inordin- ate assurance. ‘* My flv eat + entitled he Fathomless Fly Finisher,” ne of the happiest and most complete things ever introduced to an admiring public. You are no donbt aware that it was almost an im- possible task to explore Africa on account of a fly being in the way—and not being any bigger than a house fly—the Tsetse fly —(lossina morsitans, Wtis not dangerous to man, but stings to death, horse, ox, and cattle of all kinds. ‘Three of these poison- ous flies would kill an ox in twenty seven minutes, by the . Another fly, Luetlia horminworaz, lays its eggs in dirty fellow’s nostrils, and when changed into larvae, th in response toa said a little dried-up death of the man may be expected in the course of time. But my inven- tion was not constructed for any- thing but the common house fly —(Musca domestica) which isa representation of the whole class, and bothers millions of the world’s inhabitants. ‘This Fly Finisher would catch a fly regular in rapid succession every twenty-four hours, and cramp himn up so completely that all the sail would be taken out of him in less than two minutes. It wasa philanthropic idea of mine in getting up that invention, and if it had met the success it deserved I would have made a for- tune out of it. I regret that I have none to show you.” ‘I don’t know that I am.” “Bat T have others, Tam not an ordinary inventor. My name is Scrapebrain —inventor of the Mosquito Morgue. One of the greatest things ever conceived by human thought. It will secure in ten minutes all the mosquitoes you want, “I don’t want any skecters that I can do just Luxuries are gettin I've got so as well without them. out of fashion with me.” ou misunderstand my meaning, sir. Let me enlighten you. ‘This arrangement will draw off all the useless mosquitoes from your land and make a bunch of them. ‘They can be utilized as manure. The phosphorus in a mosquitoe’s brain is universally conceded by competent authority to be the purest that can be obtained for fertilizing purposes; and as their bodies are compesel of i filled in with stolen blood and n one can see at once they are very lying around in compost heaps. The un- THE JUDGE. excelled cleverness of my invention is that it clears the place of mosquitoes, enriches the soil and owner at the same time, — [tis a double-headed, or bicephalous concern, and much sought after osqutitoes themselves, who fondly imagine that they are ina paradise of fresh blood.” ** But more mosquitoes would put in an appearance “Make more compost heaps.” *One compost heap of mosquitors would satisfy my wants,” [ suid, sadly. ** T think I won't fool with that machine. It looks too complicated. ** Complicated! ot atall, Cast your eye upon this oil painting of a woman's face. It is an aristocratic countenance, and the de- Inded mosquito labors under the impression that it is unbibing the t blood in’ the country. ‘This claw grasps the side of the painey and this wheel causes it to revolve In sucha delicate manner that the mosqni- toes, who are gorging themselves with a purely imaginary feast, go with it without objection. — That tri . worked with a spiral spring, shuts down on them, and you have the mosquitoes in an air chamber with- tany air in it. As they are deprived of both blood and air, the consequence are by even soon apparent. They loose their wind, their energy, and their music-box. Their ambition to pierce the portals of human flesh is gone. Their wish to fatten on the property of others goes with their ambition. They are not killed! Iam conscientiously opposed to murder in the first degree, or in the last. They gradually wilt into an abstract em- bodyment of their former agility. All. ac- tivity is totally suspended. ‘They sink into a torpid state, and are then easily dispatched by anyone who does not believe in the com- mandment— Thou shall not kill.’ ” “1 don’t care about that infernal machine. Besides, I am strenuously opposed to taking infant life, and what is a mosquito but a poor wee bit of a thing with no harm in him, as ) Irishman would say, but the trifle of music he bores you with.” “It’s a wonderful invention, Thermo- electric. You are undoubtly aware that with the lars and pupe of insects the temperature descends below that of the surrounding air, showing conclusively that the evolution of heat by the respiratory combustion is in- suflicient to compensate for the loss due to the superficial evaporation, or cutaneous transpiration. In the case of chrysalids the cocoun, in which the pupe of many lepipop- tera and hymenoptera envelop themselves. You understand, sir?” ** Perfectly,” I said, resignedly. “Now, itis proved beyond doubt that the mosquito loses weight by evaporation. In the mosquito’s thorax are all the strong muscles of the legs and wings, which, in energetic contraction, when makinga charge, hecome the seat of combustion—active com- bustion, sir. When they have been in this | air chamber a proper time and they fail to exhibit any vigorous signs of animation— then is the right time to annihilate them. First give them, s parately, hypodermic in- jections; clear neutral solution of drugs only should be used, The physiological and therapeutical effects will tbthe same, and in- troduced subeutancously, quickly absorbed. The proper dose of strychnine is one one- hundred-and-twentieth grains, of sulphate of morphine one-tenth — grains. mosquito will cease to suffer, pleteness of this invention fully exemplif by the utter avoidance of all annoyance. T exclaimed, ** It’s altogether much for me. You must exc stupidity, it is perfectly natural and c be avoided, however mortifying it may be to confess it, but far as Iam concerned I would rather have the skeete buzzing around me than you— so kindly withdraw and give me a chance to recover. “You seem to benefit that would accrue to the land,” insisted the inventor. * Only one of those swollen and stupified mosquitoes, with the aid of a powerful microscope, would manure a four acre lot. I have another valuable inven- tion that [ will throw in. It is the neatest idea that ever origin. ated ina man’s brain pan. It siled the *Teredo Torturer.” ry man is the sworn enemy , and a worm called Sycoris fucota, Mtis a bivalve mollusk of the class conchifera —lirst-class family of Pho - neric title, Teredo, scientific name, Navalis Teredo Navalis— a sea borer. Then ‘Teredo Nevalis—and— As I was about to state, this teredo is not a Worm, but a shell-tish of the clam kind; and is so destructive to ships and tim- ber, that I have invented this for the purpose of exterminating it from the face of the earth. It isa splendid contrivance, but—” “But what?” “Well, the trouble is, that cannot procure the worm Sycoris fucota which destroys the teredo, and therefore it is useless at present, but it would make a nice match safe or tobacco box. I will throw it in with the Mos- quito Morgue and a two dollar bill will cover the transaction.” No, you must exet me, but—" “T have ‘A Self Registering Earthquake Indicator,’ which informs any person in the neighborhood of an earthquake when— “Very nice, but I have no money, and—” He was gone. ‘Why didn’t! think of in- forming him of the deplorable state of my finances before?” I growled, ‘‘next time I will know better. Lichtenberg calculated that a square inch of butterfly’s wings con- tained 100,736 distinct feathers If this man could invent some way to gather t kind of stuffing for bed-ticks, what a blessing it would be for tired huma ‘Then I turned in, forget the your name must be comicbooks.com