Judge — April 4, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. The Bald-Heads’ Picnic. How gracefully she pirouettes upon the roller skates, How each heart is palpitating, for her movement captivates; ¢ falls! ho bald-heads to the front! your unfe lee While her py le feet are where her pretty head should be nor hide RaKKy CHESTER, The Melancholy Mumps. by “sey poatys.” Opnoxtovs events of late, have made me conclude that * Life is real—life is earnest,” And it bi Of which Are the unpoetic mumy: It’s all very well for those fortunate individuals wh» went throngh the mumpish iod in their youth—and have outlived and otten their experien to scoff at its miseries now; but when a fellow, for whom fate has delayed that dread visitation, up some fine morning in the hey-day of his manhood, and finds a strange tonsilar knot as big as a fine-cut tobacco bucket under his left ear, the parotid gland on the other side of his neck paffed out like an inflated rubber mattress, and his throat swollen together so tight that it has to be opened with a glove- stretcher (or mallet and wedge) before the slightest sustenance can be crowded there- down—why, he thinks that A-r-P-L-1-c- T-1-0-N, with the largest kind of nine colored, theatrical poster letters, has swooped down upon him with one solemn, sockdolager of a swipe! The Scriptures tell us that ‘ Whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth.” Well then, judging from the colossal ‘* chastening ” I have recently received, Tam looked upon with favor up Above, and there is doubtless a beautifully located, niccly-terraced corner lot awaiting me in Paradise, when I do finally e this Vale of ‘Tears. sus many thumps to grown uy —the saddest, Mumps, isa Scandinavian word, derived from “ muni and “p's ces;) signifying ou catch ’em, your bronchial tubes, ete., become so inflamed that you cannot articulate, and that you will be obliged to use hot poultices of arnica blos- soms, hops, bread and milk, ef. cefera, to cure the same. Why / should have been favored with the mumps (unless for the ‘‘ love” reason herein- before referred to) I wot not. I never ‘ed to the Omnipotent, or even petitioned lature for them; but nevertheless they came my way in all their pristine bloom and truculent vigor, and anchored abaft my angular jaws with a rapturous, “ Dear-Jeflie- ght-on-to-stay-all-winter!” air, in ite of my protes My neck didn’t like the proceeding at all, but it had to *‘lump” it. My ears also dis- appeared in swollen layers of ‘unnatural fat; my Adam’s apple became as round and ex pansive as a prize pumpkin; and my usually hollow cheeks were so enlarged and twisted out of shape that my finely-chisled nose looked like one little wee shrivelled raisin, sunk in the broad, plump surface of a dis- tended mamoth baked pudding. "Twa: then that “I sought the seclusion that the bed-room granta,”” “ And was nursed by my sisters and my cousins and my aunts,” who annointed me with goose-grease and liniment, covered my sore jowls with steamed herbs, and swathed my bloated head in red flannel bandages nine hundred and fifty times per day. For three weeks I lingered between life und death. A_ steel engraving representing Man’s Seven Ages of ‘* Life” hung on one side of my couch, and astatuette of * Death” stood on a bracket, on the other. I tried five different medicine men during the period of my disease: “The first physicked, the second bled me; The third starved, and the fourth one fd me,” while the fifth disciple of Esculapins nearly massacred me by packing my face and throat in ice till the flesh was frozen solid, and then thawing it out over the heat and fumes of a pan of live coals sprinkled with Asafoetida— which he confidently claimed would drive the bulging mumps away. Well, to give that quack a due amount of credit, his barbaric treatment certainly did dispel the vexatious hypertrophy, but I'll be gosh-darned if it didn’t not only nearly choke me into the Unknown Hereafter, and singe off my recious Prince of Wales full beard, but also left me with the first case on record of maddening, itching cnill-blains around the countenance, windpipe and thoracic ducts. For this new complication coal-oil rubbings and tincture of iodine applications were resorted to, until such portions of the epidermis on my ueck and facial features as were not blistered entirely off, were stained an almost indelible tint of deep mud-brown with that butternut-hued liquid—thereby rendering my appearance akin to that of the famous Dime Museu darkey who is turning white in spots. Everything must cometoan end, of course, and after much suffering and repining over my hard luck, I am, at the present time of writing, rapidly convalescing, and in tolerable good physical order, aside from my variegated phiz. “A leopard cannot change his spots,” but I know by experience that a human being can; for I have obtained a jug of “ Bun- kum’s Rough on Moles and Freckles,” which is now slowly but surely eradicating the iodine checker-marks from my cuticle. All hail to Samaritanic Bunkum! May his shadow never grow less than the Washington monument’s! In a few days I will be able to leave my sick quarters, and joyously go forth to m in with the giddy outer world as of yore; where I Hope, with a Supreme-Her-Royal- Highness ** H,” never to run foul of the melancholy, murderous mumps again. “Ere I'd have one more such spell, ob, I would suicide right straight 1!" A Bull. “T wove,” said a young parliamentarian of Milesian extraction at a secret session of the Hibernians the night before Patrick’s Da ‘that we wear white gloves to-morrow.” ‘* Shure,” objected a member, ‘It'll be too cold.” ** Well,” answered the first speaker with a deprecatory look at the “kicker,” “can’t we wear mittens over them?” MC'SWILLEM’S INVENTION POR WAKING BIDDY. comicbooks.com