Judge — March 28, 1885 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. STYLE ah dern it! p's gone w?” IN Oup Fansten—" 6 T wonder where in thunder that hen ev bottle I spose, and looked white ‘as the driven sheet.” (That’s quite a common expression and probably refers to a sheet that is driven to the laundry). Ma and Pa.rushed in and we had a reglar 2act tablo without red-fire, When Sis came to (which she did so soonas she was removed from the arms of Mister De Bang), nobody could tell where the orful noise originated and this Providential ignorance enabled me to re- move the ‘day bree,” as teacher calls it, from the piazza, which was a releaf to me, a3 well as the tin roof. morril lesson will impress the young man with a sense of the duty he owes his girl’s brother. If he don’t ‘‘tend up” on the candy business, he may hear De Bangaguin! Ifhe couldn't afford it, course things would be | different, but it isn’t the ice creem season | now, and he can (or ought to), consider his- self extremely fortunate in escaping with a tax of only 2 pounds of candy a weak. There ain’t a feller round town what shows more delicate consideration for their sister’s bo during the ice cream and pic-nic crises than yours truly, so when hot weather lets up on them I regard ‘em as legitimate prey, cordin’ to the constitution of the 13 original states. Of course there are dress balls, parties, and operas enuff for a charitably disposed young man to lavish his $5.00 a week onto, but Dor- THE I hope this great | COUNTRY. Oup Farmer's Davonren—"' Its gone on my back; I reckon Till have a tang-up bustle this Sund Essay on Tales. i I aM going to write an essay on tails. I think there are a great many kinds of tails, but my space only allows me to touch on them very brietl I will go into every kind of tail possible, but I will avoid details. In fact, I rather lean to the curtail, which | cutsall the tails short. And I will try to dovetail it all neatly, so that it may not appear confused as so many tales together otherwise might. Swallow tails are mostly adopted by men, and fan tails and bang tails by women, the latter are worn by horses, too, when the switch tail is not in vogue. Ox tails are good for soup, and fairy tales for children. Cocktails are good for adults, under certain circumstances, but a bobtail is an invariable nuisance. Entails are a sort of bargains between fathers and sons—they are good tails sometimes, but they often entail trouble, when they can be cut off. A love tale is sweet sometimes, but it must not be dragged out too long. Fox tails are often called brushes. A fashionable ape, of the present day, Would not be seen wearing atail. It would be as unsuitable to him us an ounce of brain — he carries a silver tipped cane instead. Rooster’s tails are often stuck out- rance has been waiting on sis long enuff to} learn how to avoid unnecessary expense. He tells her his luv for her is strong and healthy as a mahogany card-table with gilt trimmings, and that he is so jealous of other fellers that he don’t like to have her go amongst ’em; and prefers to spend the long evenings in her dear company, with none present but the big arm chair! (Wish he'd make us a present of a new chair, he’s broke the spine of ours overloading the thing), Perhaps you wonder how I know so much about his conversation, but if you knew what a big space there is behind the lace curtains in our parlor, you’d cease ter marvel, ‘as it were.” When John gets left the thermometer is out in ther river breaking ice. «What part of the vessel do you like the best, Miss Lucretia?” | “‘T like the bows,” she answered naively. THE MODERN OFFICE IMP. py—"' Hain't anybody ter hum?" amie t)—"* Hain't anybody in?” side ladies’ heads, and there are often other tales, even more fly-away, inside. A tailor is a useful sort of bird, bat his bill is often troublesome. Rat tales are too thin, and so are many other tails we hear. Comets have tails, too, but they are too much stuck up for my taste. Demons have tails, too, and they must wear out sometimes, I guess, for in all the gin shops they make a trade of ratailing bad spirits. Most folks have tales, but if they change them now and again they don’t come so much in the way, but some folks come to you with the same tale every day. It’s bet- ter for you to be just gone down town when they call, for they really require to be cur- tailed. Then even when we are on our pa and qs, we are liable to make long tails, which make printers cuss, to say nothing of our ys and Oh! I can’t tell you half the tales I know, and if I could, I guess you would turn tail before I was half through, Why, I have not even mentioned the tail of Mephistopheles yet, the most celebrated tale of all, but if You have a cent or two, I'll toss. Heads, I win; tails, you lose, for I am great at telling tails, though the head part of me is a little weak. This essay began well, but is rather abrupt at the termination, If anydne likes to put a little more tail to it, let them come on, the author is willing. John to Jonathan. Tuanxs, Jonathan! This is indeed Exceedingly fraternal! And shows we are at heart agreed In hate for bate infernal. I did not doubt it—not a mite— But from a brother nation, One's glad of something definite, By way of demonstration. From you especially, the proof Meets with a welcome hearty, Seving that under heaven's wide root ‘s not another party art so promptly warms w—that cannot vary! assination’s reptile swarms Deserve no sanctuary, Hostes humani generis ‘These vipers—vermin purely, Who venomously craw] and biss, Coiled, as they think, securely, Within your coverts; but you'll prove You will not favor that trick; you propose to make them move, Playing the new St. Patrick. Thanks, Jonathan, my heart you cheer, It may yet be my turn, sir, Perhaps my record's not quite clear, But—well, we'll live and learn, sir. Let’s pull together, you and me, And mutually determine That even the Home of Liberty Shan't mean a haunt for vermin! —London Punch, Saran Bernuarpr says the reason she sold her skeleton was that she couldn’t afford to keep two of them.— Brooklyn Times. «Waar is the best covering for the head?” asksacontemporary. If your wife has pulled out all your hair, try a wig.—Newman Independent. IMMENSE crops of mustard are produced in California. It will all be needed for draughts to draw the blood from the heads of the new fledged statesmen— Hartford Post. comicbooks.com