Judge — March 21, 1885 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. " “GIRLS.” Retroapeetively and prog sssively considered “as it were.” A MAN may live in a palace and drink of sparkling win roll in gold and silver, and yet so day hs fin ‘That life is dull and tasteless;a bubble, an¢ whirl, mind completely when be mashes” a pretty girl! giddy But he changes hi A feller must Noah lot to give names ter all the things in this world, I remarkt to Jim the other da, To what particular thing do you refer, said he. ’Tain’t a thing at all, its a girl I was think- in’ about. Ah, yes, replied mi conceited brother, queer name, of course, but girls are not what tha used to be, and we may add, their present appearance and prospects improvements on the past. When the proprietor of the first menagery ussumed the management of the Ark he came across a peculiar creature in the hay-loft that wore long curls, It seemed to like to girl up in the corner and talk. ‘The conversations were 0 light that they assisted in floating the ark. For want of a better name the creature was christened “Gurl,” and since corrupted to “girl.” But that’s only Jim’s version. Some folks call em angells, and this suits the feller havin’ one ov those romantic dispositions with gold trimmings and solid silver-plated sleeve-buttons, (If the gurl happens to po sess gold trimmings so much ihe better, its even more essential sometimes. ) To yours truly there isn’t anything pat- ented that looks half so bewitchingly sweet (a little ways off,) than this moden miracle, yer can’t even bar out honey, an all bears is supposed to like that. ‘Kiss a gurl and di” iz one ov the (new) proverbs, and bashful man iz more likely ter cave under such cir- cumstances than the female, Bright eyed, wavy-haired collection of pink and white are anufactured for esses and it comes as nachral to receive ‘ein as falling off the roof of a 8 tenement block, A man may besmart an able to get up “ jobs” what are taller and broader in a dishonestly financial vu, than eny ov his nabers, but if he enters into | very wealthy one what was enguged 2 weaks, | interfere with the revolution ov the earth, become a lot of she seems doomed to live on forever and turn | with a wooden leg and one arm can up in grotesque attire each time a newspaper | deeply attached to a woman, what paragrafer runs short ov working materi ection a young man can get away with ood gurls may be subdivided into 2 heds; | What has 2 whole arms (a lar Sullivn,) and the “fair to-middling” and. “just-to-nice. | Whose underpinning iz A 1, warranted for 5 for-enything ” ‘The first mentioned works | Ye on her position in society and is ‘ good” for advertising purpo: he attends divine | worship evry time sho has anew dress, and gets off 2 editions of prayer ter make up for | It burns like a house afire! lost time. This variety thinks more ov ap- “ CLYDE.” pearances than she does her feller, and show | is the biggist word in her dictionar; Gurls whitch are ‘just to ni thing” are good for nothing else. Mi luy iz as deep as the ocean blue, af w And this heart of mine shall ever be trac— It Comes Natural. for eny- They go to church reglar from a sense of duty like Have you ever been up ina palloont ; the feller in the “ Pirates of Penzants,”” and No, I never thought st would be a plena like him tha are about as consistant. ‘Tha | Mt sensation. | “Well, it isn’t. Twent a “Did it make you dizzy? “Of course it did, I'ma blonde.” measure their steps on the streets and wear the other day. I glasses and read Sunda school trax for Tha are never married and seldom with beaux, tho’ I did hear ova Ir is an extremely cold day when the right but circumstances alter cas When the | gets left. feller went courtin’ she opened the conver- sation bi enquiring “if he had _ perused “Bunyon’s Pilgrim's Progress’,” and he tole , for a lady to ‘ show off her he never was troubled with ‘em! She | F sent him home at half past nine and—he staid there, | From among the Bad gurls (so called,) comes the crowd what are allotted to boss mankind and do the hard work at sewing circles. ’Course I don’t mene the /ow class, | to make it go off, she didn’t. but those what are just sufficiently bad to be | human and interestin’—not so good as to It is considered a gr merit, nowa a costume well, our part, we prefer our lady friends to show it on.” Mus. Depiiaty wanted to give a party, but when her city cousin wrote to her th she must have a “great gun” and ‘a lion” Two eminent pugilists were engaged in an out and out prize fight one day, but th were attacked Vy a passing swarm of bee Its my opinion that the heavyest end of | A jocose bystander remarked that there was woman’s work, is lifted bi this variety ov | a desperate battle between the ‘ Hittites” feminine architecture after it grows up. | and the “ Iiveite (The fem. arch., not the work.) | Git,” said one of the bees, ‘* You’re too Gurls are very jolly t the “right | fresh.” kind” are, and I love ’em fearful. Ifan 10 he gitted. 80 ter speak. aengagement with a flirt, (a word synony- mous with gurl,) he’s sure ter get licked in the battle, for if he don’t ring her finger she’ll probably wring his neck, and if he does he regrets the act. He thus becomes a regular Kartoum an’ gets cornered both ways. The poplar varieties ov the genus gurl are the Good and Bad. Among the former is always classed the ‘* Mary” what had a little lam. How she had it (roast or otherwise,) DULL TIMES WITH MOONSHINER, — Cume right along Owen Jayhawk, see what a horrid nose he’s got.” isn’t material. Like the Wandering Jew SHINE! Vell, 1'll sell you de nose; anyding to help de pessness.” comicbooks.com