Judge — March 14, 1885 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

—— ee eee ee rt THE JUDGE. friend Mr. Jackason (a brother of the other Jackason) who has named the animal Phil- istine Bismarck, partly in honor of the great. pastoral poet who wrote “The Lay of the Last Ministry;” the other partly must be intended for an ironical slap at the modern Sampgon, for certain it is that Bismarck scorns to stand on his hind legs with a clay pipe in his mouth like the com- mon run of dogs. Mr. Jackason assures us that what peculiarly distinguishes Bismarck is his great capacity for performing all sorts of anecdotes.” If Mr. Jackason were not such astrict hydrophobist we might feel inclined to doubt this, though we ourself were witness of the curious fact (which naturalists of the old Buffonian school will be slow to credit) that the dog has really become such an ac- complished performer in that line that he can actually wag his tail without unscrewing it! Though, in justice to less fortunate animals, we must observe that this feat would not be-posaible if the dog had not, while stilla pup, acquired the habit of fastening his tail at one end. Which also is probably the rea- son why not even a horse could tramp on his tail without the dog being aware of it. One of the most beautiful, though perhaps not the most useful traits in Bismarck’s character, is his incorruptible fidelity to his master. For example, when Mr. Jackason leaves his coat lie in the fence corner the dog will go through all the pockets till he has noel out the remains of the sandwich and the crumbs of limburger, then witha sagacity almost human, will abandon the garment to itsfate! Tle can recognize his master’s silence even inthe dark; when Mr. Jackason returns from Palmer’s at 2 o’clock in the morning, and sneaks in on the soles of his stockings, Bismarck sits up for him and faithfully goes for his shins, while, if a strange burglar, for for example, enters the house, Bismarck never seems to be aware of his presence. When sent to the meat-market the dog will hang round the butchers’ stalls waitin; patiently for an opening, and will then gral @ sausage, or a shoulder of mutton, and in- stead of selfishly bolting it on the spot, will enerously carry it home to his master’s house and cat itat his leisure under the back stoop. When Mr. Jackason throws him a leg of pig, or anything in that line, Bismarck will devour it on the spot and gratefully howl for more; which shows that if that fatal fourteenth amendment had not left his race in the category of * Indians not taxed,” Bismarck would miake a most valuable ai- dition to our scanty crop of politicians. Though not quarrelsome, Bismarck will rarely brook an insult from a cur less than half his weight. He is not a professed antiquary, but a great relic hunter, havin; the front yard littered with the bones of all the hogs slaughtered on the Jackason premises for the last fifteen years. Though com- paratively young in years, he is hopeful of the result, and even Mr. Jackason believes that if he lives he will ‘attain his majority next April. We ourself were witness of an example of Bismarck’s rare couage, combined with sagacity. A foolhardy duck ventured into the pond back of the house, at a spot where the water could not have been less than six inches in depth. Bismarck no sooner saw the accident, than, braving the fury of the elements, he jumped in, and, seizing the unfortunate fowl firmly by the neck, tri- umphantly rescued it. The duck, wo believe, was dead when Bismarck landed it, but to prevent the bare possibility of its drowning in the future, the sagacious brute ate it with- out delay. INDUSTRY AND 2. HEAD DEVELOPS RAPIDLY. INDISPOSITION. 4. OBLIGED To TRUSS IT UP. That Bismarck appreciates cleanliness and | table manners is shown by the careful way in which he licks his lips aftera meal, and ona hot August day it isa pleasure to see him souse himself in the pond, then roll himself in the dust, and wind up by rubbing himself | against eversbody with whom he is intimate, | before plunging into the cupboard to escape the flies. | Concerning his religious convictions, it is enough to say that Bismarck’s passionate love of sausages shows him to be a devout cannibal. In this connection it should be remarked that Bismarck’s teeth are canine. ‘This peculiarity Prof. Handechwentzle, the great specialist, assures me is a rare thing | indeed, especially in dogs. : It is, however, while dilating on Bismarck’s “touching anecdotes of humanity,” that Mr, Jackason’s benevolent nose justly sparkles with enthusiasm. Young Sapheadly, m nephew, went out accompanied by Bismarc! and a bottle of whiskey, and it seems he he stumbled into the mill-dam and would have drowned if the noble dog, seeing Sap- headly’s danger, hadn’t went for his lunch basket and promptly cleaned it out.—Puts me in mind of a story I heard Ben. read about an incidence up in York state. A chap—what was his name that lived in Ithaca —Ulysses King—went down to Troy, one day, and got on a drunk, and when he came home with his shirt tore, and his eyes bunged up, and his new hat inside out, and his wife and minister and childer didn’t know him, but his dog did, and run and hid under a lumber pile till he seen King go out for another rip. We have said all that is really necessary, yet it would be treating Bismarck like a dog, and ourself like an idiot, if we failed to sam up our hero after the manner of the con- scientious biographer. For this reason it is incumbent on us to call attention to the fact that Bismarck’s views are broad between the eyes, and his grasp of a subject is firm when he has it by the calf of the leg; and that, while he seems to have no very high opinion of our modern poets, he appreciates a warm place to sleep, and resembles Mr. Arthur, in so far as he never really was a candidate for Senator. His humor is broad across the shoulders, and his wit pointed in the tail (owing to the fact that the hair on the re- moter end of that useful organ has been com- pletely rubbed off by the Stern Realities of ife) at the same time that his political tricks are deep inthe instep. His disposition is ferocious, though savage; while his temper, though occasionally mild, is always gentle and quite uniform, except that when he turns his right flank, a closo observer of nature might be able to detect a large reddish green spot, which, without detracting from the uniform whiteness of his color, harmonizes well with his yellow coat of straw. Though, like many “at men, Bismarck is slow in making up bis mind. | He is tenacious of his comicbooks.com