Judge — March 7, 1885 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. An “Often” Character. A MAN I know, it matters not What cognomen he bears, Who's quite o'errun with a huge lot Of impecunious cares. He seldom has a quarter bright— But always a cigar!— And when he has a cent, it light- Ly passes o'er some bar. He borrows money—"* purely biz,"— In small amounts, I wean He ne‘er returns, his conscience is So small ‘tis scarcely seen. He's of this kind, “Old boy! wellmet!” And can good stories tell, He's very popular, and yet Much talked of—and not well! A Colonel lers" true is he, With new ** big schemi “Tsay, now can't you lend a V On thist’ There's millions in it!” h minute; He still has brains, tho’ useless quite Within his present state; For in saloons from morn till night A man grows “out of date!” And when he dies, his friends will say, Vhat dead? Clean o'er the fence? Well, Ideclare! And, by the way, He owed me fifty cents!" Devva. ff THER §. a THANK Heaven I am again on ¢erra firma, and that I am alive to breathe once more my native air, and to tell the tale of my woes and sufferings. Such a voyage as we had coming over, and all the fault of Heraclitus, too. fie sudden- ly made up his mind to leave Paris, and to start post faste for New York. Goodness knows what all the hurry was about. Some political scheme, I suppose, for he is going to be in Washington most of the winter, what there is left of it. Nothing would induce him to postpone his departure for the Eva Mackey Prince Colonna wedding, though I implored him, with tears and lamentations, and he knew I had laid all my plans to be present at the reception, and that I had ordered the love- liest costume imaginable. tart immediately he would, and start immediately he did, and I, his unfortunate wife, was forced to accompany him. Not without my new dress, however. I have at least that to comfort me for all the pleasures I was forced to leave behind, and if I don’t air it at the inauguration, it’ won’t be my fault. Well, as I was saying, his haste and pre- cipitation landed us in London just in time for the Dynamite explosion, and then he must needs take passage for January thirty- first. He couldn’t have selected worse | weather if he’d had it made to order. Before we reached Queenstown the ship | was pitching fearfully, and the third day out { made all necessary preparations for drowning. I was awfully sea-sick, 80 was little Kathleen, and my maid was completely prostrated and of no use at all, I managed | somehow or other to struggle into a lovely rey wrapper, that my Parisian dress-maker ad designed for just such an emergency. The ship lurched and plunged about so that Thad hard work to find my mother of pearl Pree book that matched my robe. Atlast seized from the cabin box what I supposed was the book, and clasping it fervently in my hands I sank back into my berth, saying to myself, in the words of the poet— “Now come he slow or come he fast, Tt is but death that comes at last.” How long I lay there offering up ejaculato- ry prayers, 1 know not. he sea seemed to grow rougher and rougher, and I became sicker and sicker. After a long interval I realized that Hera- clitus had entered the cabin. Ie braced him- self against the wood-work, and commenced rummaging in the box, Then he swore a little, and then, looking in upon me, he | said, ‘ Well; you’re pale enough,” and then all of a sudden he ejaculated, “what upon grave, and use my bones for poker chips. I was a fool not to persist in getting a divorce long ago. Well, all things end, and so did our voy- age, though we were twelve days crossing. Before the storm ceased the water broke into the ladies cabin, and my wrapper and prayer book were both utterly ruined. I can tell you the pavements of New York were pleasant to look upon though. Even Heraclitus acknowledged he was glad to get off the steamer. I don’t know where he kept himeelf on board. I eaw very little of him, and he always smelled of liquor. We are now at the hotel, and can’t have our house till the first of May. I have had lots of calls, and everybody likes my pretty costumes. Heraclitus stamped, and raved, and swore over the troubles at the barge office, but he is always making a fuss about something. I only had twelve trunks, and he said twelve were eleven too many, We shall go to Washington soon, though I don’t know what he expects to get out of the government, for he wasn’t a Cleveland man, Time alone will tell. I know Heraclitus intended to get back in the fall to vote for Blaine, but he was unavoidably detained, and after the news of the election had been received, he said he was glad he had remained on the other side. New York seems dull to me after Paris, where I was oh, so happy. I miss the atten- tion of Baron , though I never men- earth are you clutching at that pack of cards for?” “Cards!” gasped I. “I thought I had my prayer book.” Sure enough, instead of my beautiful prayer book, I was holding and praying over a pack of cards that Hera- clitus had been searching for. Bursting into a heartless and brutal laugh he handed me the prayer book, grabbed his cards, and made his escape from the state room. | I believe he'd play poker on my very tion his name to my husband. I took comfort in the thought that, per- haps, if we remained in Washington, I might like Cleveland, but now since I’ve heard about his dourgeois table manners, I’ve lost all respect for him. I could have stood his little peccadillos, that the papers made such a fuss about, but if the President-elect carries his food to his mouth with his knife, I, for one, will have nothing to do with him. Heraclitus says that the probabilities are WASHING ON Bippy MuLpoon—‘‘Faiz, even the poorest of us have ther same pleasures as ther rich.” WHEELS. comicbooks.com