Judge — February 28, 1885 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

|] FINANCIAL BRAYING. Wrich will ‘The words almost paralized her, but the next instant he hove in sight. Yes, there he was, the perfidious monster —encircling the waist and holding the hand of a shameless huzzy, the two gliding over the floor together as gracefully as if they’d been born on roller skates. And the girl! Good heavens it was a shop- girl, one that had frequently sold her ribbons nd yelled for cash in a Sixth Avenue store. When Mrs. Dynamite recognized her hus- band’s companion. she hesitated no longer. She would show Mr, Dynamite that two in the same family could’skate. To be sure | she'd never tried’a pair of skates, but it looked y enongh, and if the old fool could do it, could, Quickly she hired a pair of rollers, and quickly they were strapped upon her feet. She removed her veil, but not her water- || proof, braced up against a pillar forsupport, | and laid out a plan ef action. She would wait till the couple came around in, and as they neared her, she would skate up to them and confront them with their pertidy—and she did. As they approached, she struck out bra’ and fell sprawling at their very feet. Dyna- mite tripped over her, got entangled in the waier-proet, and, of course, went down with the ri When they picked Mrs. Dynamite up, she was insensible, and when Mr. Dynamite eaw her face, he wished he could change places with her. He got her home somehow, laid her on the bed, and sent for the doctor, and ever since Mrs. Dynamite has been nursing her wrath, a sprained ankle, and broken nose. She goes about on a crutch, nd Mr. Dynamite doesn’t visit the skating || rink—evenings. |] He takes his innings there afternoons, while his wife thinks he’s at busine ‘The shop-girl goes too, for Mrs. D. wrote a note tothe proprietor of the store where she was employed, got her discharged, and now old Dynamite pays her board, and she skates afternoons with him, and evenings with | another acilor. Little 1 the shop-girl | ! Tommy doesn’t know what makes his mother so cross, and he doesn’t see why | box sked her to b Mr. Dynam she should his ears when he only y him a pair of roller skat alone knows the secret sor- silence most just row of her soul, and he keep: discreetly. . CUTTER. jant’s Inaage- ent “ Jodge.” oven aw ‘To increase the milk supply—water the cows. “CLEVELAND is always as good as his word, Since he has given his word to the Civil Service people that he will not let down the bars for the whole hungry crowd to rush in, the hungry crowd is trying to hope that he will be better than his word. A payMaster in the U. Army left his post on Christmas day without and with tive thousand dollars government funds in his possession, and went and got on a tre- mendous drunk, and when he he had sobered up, came on to Washington and paid over the money, every dollar of it, to the proper department. Such is the stark-naked outline of a story which seems to us to contain moral enough if cut up fine, tostuff out many a yard of sausage for Sunday school and temperance society consumption. But is the story true? That the Major had public money in his possession when he left his post without leave, goes without saying. That he ever turned up and paid over the money at Washington is, of cour: no sane American will believe, unless you grant him that the Major did it while still under | nothing more to say about this case, the influence of liquor. The E. Philadelphia C. which reports the case, indignantly wants to know what the Government means by em- ploying such people. And truly, itis an aw ful state of affairs when any official, intrusted with other people’s money, runs away from his post, yet fails to make away with the funds. As the paymaster was confessedly on a bender, this failure to steal the money, was, course, nocrime, but it was a serious blunder, and we vote unanimously to cashier the Major for uncashierly conduct, The Weary Pedestrian. A WeaRY traveller stopped to rest Near Smithson’s residence He bent his tired leg Up barbed wire nth fence I beard a wild uncarthly yell, And noticed at a glance t several barbs on Smithson’s fence Were sticking in his Now that weary traveller walks In fearful agony And when he wan He leans agai st ta tr ke a rest Uscre Axprew Jackson—** Didn't I always tell you that my nephew Bill had the real game Jackson spirit in him; though while he was round here he seemed to be nothing but a loafer anda gambler. And now do you know he turned out a regular hero Neighbor(who has his doubts) what is he doing now?” * Well you would hardly b saw a letter from San Antonio the writes that Bill is down in’ Texas fighting the tiger night and day—who you know, is a far uglier customer than the grizzly. Yes sir, give ‘em a change of scene and the Jackson blood will tell every time. * Indeed, M UISTRATE (with dignity) , You must understand that st umbrella is as much an offence stealing a pocket-book. I aware that other views prevail in quarters, and th pnsequence is that no man’s umbrella is safe It was o the other day that mine was taken, up at the Carter House. No; the case Inst you ms clear enough, and you will ¢ to tind bail for your appearance at the April s or be locked up. Prisoner—** But my umbrella was stole, too, hain’t La right to take it back wherever I find it?” “ Of course, to de No, wling garnst m well me prisone an the ns but that has nothing whatever with the c: t you.” ow, then, old we'll see about that—eapp ose you hand over that umbrella with the dog-head handle standin’ agin your cheer that you stole from me at the Carter House day before yesterday. “What do you mean, vou scoundrel, to ad- dress such langua age tot Why this um- of | brella that you claim, I merely exch—took when mine was stolen—in place of it— n would—not another word 1’ ny soner, or But he didn’t, for the Prisoner proved his property on the s, and the—well, the ne Which ensued was that the Magistrate s J to get out of it by breaking up the sitting and “adjourning the court Sad the crowd over to Palmer's, where he continued pretty much all night setting up the oysters | and liquor for the prisoner and his friends, and his friends’ friends. ‘There is really but how dismiss it without mentioning that the ¥ trate rose the morrow morn a sadder and a wiser man. How few would believe that the phrase was our own property? Most people would take it for granted that we had stolen it. Will have nothing to do with it on such terms, but will add, while putting on our overcoat, that honest people who steal um- brellas—and the umbrella who knows his owner—and innocent glass houses guilty of throwing stones—and Palmer is blest when | judex damnatur. comicbooks.com