Judge — February 7, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

6 THE JUDGE. severed, alternately gliding on my pedal and then on my ear or base of my spine, u til [ finally shot up bumbert and upset them in an indescribable mass all upon my attenuated and bruised-up body! ! That settled me! Mrs, Joslyn showed up then, and T was carted off home ona stretcher, while, if I ever attempt to fill my help-meet’s ear again with a single story as regards my former prowess in anything or endeavor to ventilate my superior wisdom in any manner, if one reference by her to my inglorious skatorial rl at the Rink don’t make me simmer down at once, she has my full permission now (as she patches me up with court-pla ete.,) toclub me with a stick of core “till she hecomes “all out of breethe! Therefore, | expect to bea hen-pecked hus- band from this day forth: Job never was afflicted with roller-skating If he had been, he would have “thrown up the sponge” a beaten. man in the beginning, instead of patiently waiting to successfully run the gauntlet of boils and other festive visitations, which the Good Book tells us he did do! uuss-words to inspire— and wounds most dire— for breaking pates,— T recommend those roller-skates ! JUST LIKE THE MEN. Sisten—"' Why do you think Mrs. Begfull is so aufully po Brorr * Confound it, didn't she say she had to let out all her dresses!” | THE HUMOR OF THE POLICE COURTS. his wares, he was elated. Without unneces- sary delay he waited on Justice Yffud, His task was not an casy one. Justice YfTud justly regarded himself as the Ther- 3 of the police bench, and it was by no to convince him that his jokes would bear improving upon, Besides, Jus- tice Yifud was a thrifty r nd our funny prices struck h gh. “But you see, juc id our funny man, ‘‘ you have so many cases to adjudicate upon, 80 many chances of getting off jo! that you must at times run short. See here, now; here’s a batch of regular drunks, with a different joke for each one, at sixty cents a pi “Sixty cents; that’s a good deal for a joke that I can get off in as many seconds.” “Yes, but it will be printed next day in all the papers. ‘The fame of it will be un- 1 Come, I'll make a reduction for a 1 You can h: these twenty for ten dollars. Just think of it, Twen drunks brought before you in one mornin; and you have a fresh joke pat for each o of them—and all for ten dollars; why, it is worth double the money. “ Itis a good idea,” admitted Judge Yitu “Why, you will be the wonder and envy of your colleagues—the ornament of the bench.” “T'll give you five dollars for the lot,” said the justice, melting. ANYTHING TO KEEP THE BABY QUIET. UR funny man has talentsso wide and so comprehensive that he cannot find full scope for their exercise even in the columns of . He burns to furnish jokes, not for the million alone, but for the sixty million, and he is ever on the alert for op- portunities to extend his sphere of useful- ness. And he is particular about the quali- ty of the jests meted out in every quarter of this broad land. He hates a poor joke, and a pointless repartee vexes his soul within him. He is also a keen hand at a bargain, So, having read the police-court reports in the daily papers, he came to the conclusion that the police justices needed reforming in their sense of humor, and scenting at the same time a new and unexploited market for “Make it seven-fifty two extra jokes on wife “Til do it,” said the judge. ‘The jokes and currency changed hands. “Tere are an assorted lot on vagrants; you can have those cheap; and here ure & Tew ver vitticisms adapted to assault and batter: “Wm llow thrifty magistrate. “Well, you can have those, one with the other, fora quarter a piece.” ‘These pick- pocket jokes naturally come higher.” Well, to make a long story short, our fun- ny man disposed of his wares and went awa richer by some thirty dollars of the court’s money. The secret hitherto has been well kept, but our funny man, having lately dis- ed of a fresh invoice, could not resist the nptation of looking upon the beer when it 3 mellow, and gave the whole snap away. The public can now understand and account for the unusual supply of magisterial jokes which have adorned the police court reports in the papers of late. ‘These jokes have been of a much improved quality, and have been universally appreciated. ‘That is, almost universally. ers did not seem to enjoy generally failed to app But as the prisoners, as a rule, are on the Island, that does not so much matter, and I'll throw in beaters.” much?” inquired the The prison- them much, and jate the point, THING, PERFECT SUCCESS, comicbooks.corf