Judge — February 7, 1885 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Mahony! ‘Tuere was a young man named Mahony, Who climbed up a little balcony; He “burgled” the plate, And up he went straight, To serve for that little felony. To remedy bald heads—cut ’em off. A carry-all—the schoolboy’s pocket. A hard wall to climb—the caterwaul, A “stuck” up affair—a candy-pull. A seasonable suggestion—pepper, sir? Rare articles—(raw)—oasis in a desert. ‘o-forte. A mann fort to storm—-the pia A praw-Bac for monkeys—a cat’s paw. A lazy man’s paradise—the police depart- ment. A mitey good thing with apple-pie—old cheese. Tue four seasons—vinegar, pepper, mus- tard and salt. JouNson, who is rather addicted tosmug- gling, offers Smith ar, saying, with @ signi i“ old man, it has never paid any duty Good reason why,” is the cheerful’ response, “it has never been out of the country.” Tue tree was there, the branch was will ing, the rope had its noose ready for busi- ness. ‘Then Judge Lynch asked (merely as a matter of fun you know), ‘ Prisoner have you anything to say in your defe You have full liberty to speak, but cut it short.” Prisoner—** Gentlemen, I plead insanity.” (Dreadfal laughter in the congregation, and the beginning of a rush). Judge Lynch—* Insanity! well may I never tip another—but hold on, boys. ; man so dodrotted insane as to try the in- sanity dodge on this court must be insane. Let the d--d idiot go. A New York drummer, who used to boast that he had mashed all the hotel girls of the Middle Atlantic States, returned the other day from a western trip, with quite re- versed opinions about the sex. In fact he confided to a brother drummer that his feel- ings “had been trampled on most cruel,” and were in a state but little removed from that of a bull-frog smashed by an elephant. Then the brother drummer, who had been there himself, understood at once that the gentle being who had trampled on his friend? feelings was a Chicago girl. Director Green (nothing suspecting)— “By the way, Brown, where is the cashier? I haven’t seen anything of him to-day.” Director Brown (who knows all about it) —‘‘ Well, I believe he changed his quarters last night.” Director Green (who now suspects a screw loose)—‘‘ Changed his quarters? What the dickens does that mean?” Director Brown (who has already dis- covered the loose screw and takes the situa- tion gaily)—‘‘I suppose somebody has been telling him that our United States coins won’t pass in Canada.” HIS) STATUS Tom Tusnt Joux Jon Tom Tun. A New Polar Expedition. | Ip there are any doubts in regard to the | North Pole they are now in danger of being solved. Brown proposes to unveil that object | by the aid 8f an expedition which he is now fitting out, and forever settle the question in | the minds of all the savans of Savannah, or other seaports, and will start as early in the coming spring as possible—when it is warm enough for his crew to work on deck, and not take cold. He will select the crew with great care, and take only those who can stand the rigora of the climate there, and the pole is often surrounded with bad weather, such as we wouldn’t have anything to do with here, only in the red-hot season. Brown says he never went in search of even a fishing pole, or the election polls, but bad weather set in. Men joining the expedition must answer satisfactorily the following questions: Are you used to having cold meals at your boarding honse, and how many does it take? Can you keep warm arguing politics on a cold day? | How much real Arctic, Nova Zembla cold- | ness have,you been in the habit of receiving | from your girl without growling?” Can'you ever get over taking your drinks hot? or do you call for ice in it? | How far into the winter aro you in the habit of going with your summer suit on? | How often in the winter has your landlady | told you that you should have an extra blanket, and forgot all about it? ‘Are you used to having your blood run | cold when you sce your girl walking with that other fellow? How long on acold night can you stand at tho door taking leave of your girl, whom | you do not expect to see for another moon— | (next night? Are you a Tannerite, and what kind of an appetite do you carry along with you? | id you ever tell your girl you loved her ON SKATES. ppowN—* There's one thing I can’t do on skates.” —"* What's that?” powx—* Stand up on them.” | so much you could eat her up, and did you | ever do it? Where you pay the least are yon in the | habit of growling about your victuals the most? How late into the cold season do you allow | your overcoat to remain in pawn? Ilow long between meals can you go with- out eating a square meal? How long, on a cold night, can you skate with your girl when another fellow is wait- ing to take her home? Did you ever go over the Northern Pacific Railroad? Are you accustomed to s: ain’t it”? Are you used to keeping your mouth shut, and can you talk through your nose « How Tong do you think’ you can s from your girl, or your wife, or your eredi- tors? Can you stand the high old times you will have in the high latitudes? . Are you principally occupied in living off the old man, and growling about the vic- tuals? Is it generally an extremely cold day when you get left? ° How much ice-cream do you eat along | with your girl, during the season when your money blows around loose? As all other expeditions are generally starved at the last, have you any objections to being starved at the first, and keeping the victuals to the last? __ When your girl says “It snow use of talk- ing,” are you in the habit of feeling your blood run cold? . Have you ever euffered with cold in the head, and how much room have you there to accommodate a good sized one? How low in society can a thermometer get before you cease to have anything to do with it, or anybody else? Do you tempt, how is your temper, what is “it’s cold, comicbooks.com