Judge — January 31, 1885 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

IRISHISM Cotorep Woman— PATLANDER and the farthest puint ov the baso line 27 feet, what iz the hipothonuse? Answer; There's a wide diftuns ov opinion ’mong scienists on this point. Some ov ’em mainetane a hipothonuse iz 3 feet ov iron pipin? with aman at the other end_firin’ grape-shot at the feller in the arbor, Others claime it iz the point ov contack between the dorg’s teeth and the boy’s pants, “When the doctors disagree who decides?” The undertaker ov course. Question; What are vul Answer; As if the whole vulgar? ‘Some folks calls which iz mutch the same thi I like whole numbers m: elf, coz ther ain’t anything to carry in yer hed. And if there iz you can hire a feller to carry it for you. (Guess mother iz afraid I will carry some- thing in my head, by the way she looks after it with acomb.) Question; What's the capacity ov a coal- hod containing 2 es? Answer; That depens a good deal on what ther picces are. If ‘twaz 200 pieces of cotton-cloth, the hod would be the size of a house, but if ’twaz pieces ov pie ‘twouldn't hav to be more capations as aimk bottle. (At least if the pieces ov pie wern’t any bigger as the ones I get). Question; Ifa and give his brother the brother have? Answer; None; coz he'd take ’em back an say ho ‘didn’t giv ‘em to him to keep! ar fractions? tov em wazn’t m_ improper, x I take it y should have 4 apples, alf, how many would oN “Didu't 1 tell you it was the other rout 1” “ Fuith, its always the w THE ROAD. rong thing Lalways get right.” | Oh, tha can’t fool me on thi at. a brother too long myself. Question; If the volve, what would occur? Answer; It would stop, ov course! ‘That's evidently the answer to that quer but there’s a bigger and more sudilenty peculiar rezult besides that, whitch the com- mitte havn't got onto, an I won’t inform ‘em, “if it takes all summer.” (General Grant sed that some time ago). Tain’t a normal school, illustrated with stecl-engrav- ins! Question; | 5 milz a hour for Anse ‘That depens on how hez feelin’, I've seen a man what started from a beer- saloon at 8 4. M., an’ bring up inthe station house at midnight and not go fastern 5 miles a weak, Question; It a horse traveled around a track which measured 3000 feet, 15 times, how many feet would he cover? Answer; Course he couldn't cover” only hiz own feet. When the committy begins to bull-doz us with such foolish questions, I think its time to discourage ‘em, and I can say a good deal by sayin’ nothin’. ‘Teacher says I ean go home when this iz | dun. That's a excellent indacement for me to rite 3 more words; ‘ This iz dun.’ I’ve been man travels at the rate ov $ hours, how far will he “CLYDE.” A_ Reminiscence. Inscribed to Such as do pot Care to Recall the Night after Chratznan Come, Jimmy, arouse! for [ hear a strange sound ‘That almost unnerves trembling met A babe's cry Ld know, and yell of cat or hound, But this—this is none of the three! I dread lest it be a surreptitious thief, Who scratches the shutter-bolt clamp, And tries to get in, the mean scamp! "— *O pshaw, it's a cluttering, foolishly spluttering, Cranky old kerosene lamp!” | “O pshaw Jim, O psbaw! Don't you sce my hair start? That has some design to explode here a mine Of dynamite fuse, with a ramp— Say, don't you hear then bang and tamp?” “Hat very eclectical, Lean, belless, musical tramp! it’s an el “But, tell me, what pain is this pain, Jimmy dear, T 's bri z me nigh time's last sands— An awful constriction about my breast here, That feels like immet metal bands? O hard, at the last to relinquish this strife, ‘This busy, yet funny life camp; This pain makes me curl up and stamp *O bosh! it's a rollicking, harmlessly frolicking, Frisky young Christimas-pie cramp! A TURKEY gobbler—the hog at the thanks- giving dinner. ‘Tne trap with which the politician catches the gudgeon—clap trap. Tue line between Democratic certainty and doubt—Mason and Dixon's. Ir the Post Office Department had no head, of course it would have no Hatt-on, Tue crooked S’s, envious of the notoriety of the R’s, are doubling themselves up to ex- arth should cease to re- | plain that Blaine owes his defeat to Saints, | Stalwarts and Shotguns. It was not the upstart R's of Burchard that floored Jim. It was one of the old historic R's. ’Rithmetic did it when it came to the New York count. Tue temperance folk are rejoicing over the phenomenal fact that ‘three thousand and odd” Texans voted the Prohibition ticket. Of course they were odd Texans that did a thing like that, but they may have been mislead by the notion that they were voting for St. Demijohn. Tue object of a President’s Messuge seems to be two-fold (everything one reads of late, seems to have some two-fold about it). The first fold is to tell Congress things which every paper reader knows; and the second fold is to recommend Congress todo things which Congress never does. Tue cats in Kansas are dying of hog- cholera, eaysa La Cygne newspaper. So far, good, Now if the chicken cholera will do as handsomely by the Kansus dogs there will be one state at least in which sleep will be possible, and human life worth living. But what is the La Cygne editor's reputation for veracity? The story may be another of those hig Western lies got up to attract emigration from the Eastern cities. comicbooks.com