Judge — January 31, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. furnace-door under the boilers was burst open, and a buman form dashed forth wrapped in flames holding aloft a charred (all that was left of the cremated an), but recovered sufficiently to ex- claim: “ For God's sake! who is that?” * B. Blobba, the detective! Sardinio Pea- nutti has been ‘tracked to doom,’ and with srched-np, but still. recognizable f his’n as evidence that the t last, “ 1 for apprehension—* dead or alive! !1]"—was the bl »paritio' The above phonix-like exploit may seem improbable to some, but, gentle reader, the simon-pure, weekly y” detective, must n man of many accomplishments, ill now give the snap away, and show h things are easy when you know how Jone ‘on past, before our Service, he had been hero joined the Sec | known as that wonderful individual, billed on circus and museum posters as ‘ Fire- Proof Bolobski, the Russian Salamander; Dances on Red-Hot Sheet-Iron, Swallows Molten Lead, Handles Blazing Pitch, and | Inhales Scalding Steam, with Impunit ‘Thus you will sce | am a veracious writer, and that “ Truth is stranger than Fiction.” I belong to the church, and would not tell ali i. ¢. for the small pittance of five dol- lars which I get for each article I publish in Tue Jcepce. (But I could furnish, if | applied to by any of my perusers, a bang-up quality of A. 1. ornamental prevarication, with mother-of-pearl settings and uscan finish, for about seven dollarsand fifty cents). MAN proposeth. Girl rejecteth. Man |shooteth. Reporter rejoiceth. Moral; all's well that ends well. Wy love at first sight is not a lasting article. Because it is tant de suite. The caramel lingereth not in the mouth, where- as the quid endureth almost for a day. No sooner did the report come out that Blaine had dropped his fivel suit than hun- dreds of people were ready to fling it in his face. And that’s the difference Mr. B. be- tween dropping your libel suit and dropping your pocket book. Tue Rev. Spurgeon Howlwell had _pre- pared a most opportune and thunderful ser- mon on the sacrilegious wickedness of our reprobate cousins over the water, who, he ood, were ‘‘calling aloud for the destroying and down-pulling of the Lord’s house—eh, brethren!” Unluckily for his congregation, a demon of the well-read species got hold of the preacher and convinced him that the threatened House of Lords was not what he, in his holdings forth, was in the habit of calling a tabernacle and a sanctuary, but was a mere worldly structure, the palatial | residence, namely, of the notorious Lord of the firm of Lord, Gord, Ward and Co., ‘Brokers, Bankers and Swindlers, BUSINESS STAGNATION. Bor—‘ tat be La doing? Doing nuffin ; a feller can't afford ter go from house to house an’ git hard times slung at his head without the victuals !”” A Dirge. EATH THE FLOOD. BEN Crtutep and cold, I see thee lying, ‘Neath the river's icy flood, And in sorrow Tam si While scarce moves my sluggish blood. And I see your white face looking Upward from the whiter sands, And I see the river sedges ‘Tangled in your pulseless bands, O! what misery now is mine, O! what agony and woe, But I sob as sobs the north wind, For your loss no soul can know. Tt was yesterday that with thee O'er the river's breast T flew, When of sudden you slipped from me, And with broken ice fell through, 0! to think it makes me shiver, That your face no more Vl se Thou that now lies ‘neath the rive My old watch that costa“ V We had a ritten xamnashun inter arith- metic last weak, an’ I’ve just got my papers back. Tt was quite a job to change the 30 per and erase all the unnecessary things she rote in red ink, but I did it, and pa was very mutch plezed. (So was I)! ‘The followin’ are the interrogashun points an’ the answers I rote to ’em. Question; (1). Given, an enclosure 400 feet long, and 200 feet wide. How many feet around the field? (2). Ifa cow should consume 3 square yards of grass per day, how long could she live on that which the enclosure afforded? Answer; In the first place the anser ter both queschuns would depend on the nature on’ bringin’ up ov the kow. Ifa good, healty kow, what hadn’t a religus trainin’ should tri to exercise a feller round that meddo, I emagin ‘twould seem ‘bout 13 miles across ther narroest end; but if ’twaz dark, an’ he waz comin’ thro’ there with his best girl, "twouldn’t be moren 200 feet short measure. “Tf the kow consumes 3 square yard”. sticks evry da, he wouldn’t be ‘roand” moren a week; that’s more hard as feedin’ a horse ontoshavins, Then again if ’twas one ov thoz kind ov annamulz what fire up their hind-legs when tha see a milk-pale, and snort round like a locomotiv enjin evry time you point yer finger at ‘em, I think she’d live forever. I never heard ov one dyin’, they’r just like humans; some men travel round like a High-Hener in a minajery, snarling and growling ’till their voice iz lost into the bowels ov the erth. Question; If a grape-arbor iz 20 feet hi, ee comicbooks.co