Judge — January 24, 1885 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

COOL, CALM AND COLLEC Hesuanp (in very thick voice}—"* [t+ Wire—" 1 the TED. dear.” aust stay “Jef. Joslyn’s” Marvelous Trans- formation. Tmave never been a fighting characte: Even when I was a dyspeptic little youth of only eight summers, | used tocalmly allow a great big twenty-one year old brother who weighed, after dinner, one hundred and ninety-four pounds by the hay-scales, to smash me in the atedly with his calloused fist, or let k the half-soles off from his brogans y posteriorium,— without rising in my just wrath and thrash- ing the life out of him boys would have done. No! I would always have some urgent matters to talk over with Mother, just about the time my brother was through amusing himself with my form, and I would cast a look of withering contempt upon him, and, with a feeling of pity for him regarding his quarrelsome instincts, would immediately go about my busin leaving him tosuffer the inward pangs of a guilty conscience, in- stead of smartings of an outward castigation at my hands. And so it has been all during my life; I e never yearned for pugilistic honor delighted in brawls of any description. W hy. I am so tender-hearted that I have invariably been phenomenally careful not to get into the smallest discussion with acham- THE JUDGE. pion rer, and would take any amount of rudeness from one of that class rather than attempt to chastise him, and perhaps pull his hair or scratch his cuticle with my fi nails, in my excitement, which | would r gret afterwards, Incredible as it may seem, since I arrived at manhood, I have actually been known— when out walking with a friend after dark and some ruffian of a foot-pad sneaked up behind us and struck my companion with a elung-shot and then jumped on his prostrate form with a knife to cut his throat—to rapid- ly hurry away and leave them struggling on the grou in order to put myself out of the temptation of slapping my frie it right in the face, and thereby unwished-for reputation as a brusier. So sensitive have I been on the subject of blows, that I would often smother the Icast inclination to “hit” an opium-pipe, or strike” a seedy acquaintance (whom I knew to be dead-broke) for the loan of a hundred dollars. ‘act! Yes, my whole being has ever revolted inst melees and shindys of a knock-down, or Madison Square Garden nature. o not know that I can say to convince my readers th sarily mild and ‘inoffensive; aut physical make-up is that of acon of 7 being composed of full ‘ amity, and -arce 000.001 part bellig that my leg-power for ‘get away” pro- clivities, has predominated by ‘a large majority over my arm muscle for “ staying” qualities; and that, taken altogethei Twould always have preferred to *‘ cat than fight any day; my stent man arts BUT;— when half a dozen sore-eyed, club-footed, flannel-mouted, “ Mugwump” pilgrims came chuckling up to me in a body the other morn- ing, and tantalizingly remarked: “Say Jef! you ought to have had better sense than to go and throw your vote away on Jim, Blaine and the Republican party, this y — THAT was the time my lamb-like, but loyal Radical system underwent a complete change, and in my righteous indignation at those traitorous ‘Dudes and Pharisees,” I became in one second a slugger from Slugdom!—a roaring lion searching for human gore!—a Gatling —a submarine torpedo!—and a rip- yelone of holy terror! !!—-and staving don’t yer fergit i For evidence thereof, drop around to those sguided ‘* Independents’ ” idence, and aul tlie Doctors ho are patching up their broken bones, readjusting displaced dia- phragms, furnishing new glass eyes, wax noses, sections of wind-pipe etc.,—for more minute particulars. Bloodthirstily ete., “J. J.” NV. B (Later). Ihave just been acquit- ted in Court, on the charge of ‘Assault with intent to kill,”and am now open for matches with Alf. Greenticld—the **Nebraska giant,” or any other heavy-weight boxer—sixty-five per-cent of the receipts to go to the winner, and thirty-five per-cent to the loser. (“ Me nd Sullivan” have adopted these standard rates, and won't meet second-class fighters on any other terms). First come, first served! Half Hours with the Angels. by a Reporter. it 1 had a dream that was so odd and queer, curly locks stood straight on end with fear! Me-thought that in my dream I stood before the Golien Gate And looked on every side in vain for dear old Peter's pate. That when I woke, m “Peter! Peter! Peter!” I cried with might and main, 1g back to his post again; “T've been marshaling the cherubs, and list‘ning to them si he murmured, ** but iu didn't ee i And quick the saint came runt Excuse me, please,” He welcomed me sedately, till be caught sight of Then asked me what I wanted, with a very frigid I modestly responded, glancing side-ways at his key “Tama Jwpce reporter, let me pass in please. Saint Peter opened wide the gate, and sweetly said: “Walk in; To keep a JupGE reporter out would surcly be a sin.” I thanked the Saint politely, and entered with good grace; = a ————=Z comicbooks.com