Judge — January 24, 1885 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. 13 Following Nature. A PATI presents himself in the con- sulting room of a fashionable dentist, with anger on his brow. * You remember making this set of arti- ficial teeth for me?” ‘* Porfectly.” «You said they would be just like natural ones; but they hurt me horribly.” “Precisely. Was not that what your natural ones did, for which I substituted these? Tonly imitated nature,” adds the dentist, with a complacent smirk.—. Exceptions to the Rule. Mr. Minks—‘‘Ah, Miss Deboston, I’m so glad [ met you. I want your testimony in a little dispute [ have just had with my friend Mr. Winks. He says all Boston girls weur eye-glusses, and | it isn’t 60; only a newspaper joke. Miss Deboston—‘‘ I wear them “Of course; but he claims th: girls wear them. It is not true, is it?” “Oh, no. Some poor girls can’t afford them.” —Philadelphia Call, you see.” all Boston No Bibles. “ An!” he said, as the door opened, “but do I address the lady of the house?” “*No, sir,” replied the girl, as her face melted a little am the housekeeper. “Um. She is out then!” “ Yes, sir—gone to the skating rink.” “And the gentleman?” “Tle’s gone off to a raft Um. Any daughter wo of ’em, sir. The eldest, which is Fannie, is across the way learning how to play euchre, and the other, which is Susie, has rigged up as an actress and gone down to have a statuesque phot vh taken.” “UM. No sons?” “ Only one, sir, and this is the hour when he takes his boxing lessons. Did you wish to see anyone in particular?” Well, Lam taking orders for the Cottage amily Bible, as I was in hopes to secure a subscriber. Perhaps you—!” “Oh, it’s no use talking, sir!” she in- terrupted, as the door began to close. ‘My beau brought me in fifteen dime nove t night, and I go to three I'm just catching on to old sledge, and, real- ly, sir, you'd better hit the family next door, I think we have suspended business in your line of goods.”—Detroit Free Press. Henpert’s mama took him to Sunday school the other day, and the lesson being on the depravity of the human heart, the teacher drew a large heart on the black-board by way of illustration. ‘*Mama, id Herbert with a nudge, “will she draw a spade next? ”— | Philadelphia Call. Attractive and Useful. Tue Brown Chemical Co., Baltimore, Md., the owners of the celebrated Brown’s Iron Bitters, have just issued a beautiful Hand Book and Almanac for ladies, and a complete and useful Memorandum Book for men, These publications are attractive, containing a great many valuable and in- teresting things. They are furnished free of charge by druggists’ and country store keepers but should they not have them the Brown Chemical Co. will send either book on receipt of a two cent stamp to pay postage. | and Prof. Huxley | ice that I will.” said Reginald. Tren is mighty—-scarce.—- I Hitehall Times. ** 4 CLOSE call”—* Shut the door.”—Bos- ton Star. Cotp daze—Benumbed with the frost.— Merchant Traveler. He little girl who called the ostrich the bird with the bonnet tail put it about right. — Yonkers Statesman. A Sociale man is one who, when he has ten minutes to spare, goes and bothers some- body who hasn’t.—-Hoston Gazelle. Ir is said that Bism has an eye on Egypt. The other is engaged in. watching the horns of the Reichstag. — Lovell Courier. “Aw Ohio girl eloped with a Chinaman old enough to be her father.” The rage for “old China” doesn’t appear to abate.— Norristown Herald. Some one has written a work on “How to Grow Old.” It strikes us that the beet way to grow old is not to die young.——Philadel- phia Call. Doy’r fret if you cannot go into society. | ‘The oyster is often present at a supper when he would perhaps prefer to be at home in his bed.— Boston Courier. Barnem’s 811,000 giraffe died last week, and three sets of watches were exhausted aiting for the rattle to reach the length of the throat after leaving the lungs,—Hat- chet. WHEN a man tells me that his passions « y strong, I simply advise him to mix them with his morals, which are apt to be very weak. Then, you see, hestrikesa good average.— Brooklyn Eagle. Just as we were getting down totwo cigars in preparation for the regular annual “swear off,” January Rev, Mr. Springer y came ont with cards saying there is nothing like tobacco as a sweetener and equalizer of the temper.—- Taunton tle, “ Lesp me your ear a minute,” remarked Brown to her husband the other eve- yon give it back to me?” he inquired with mock anxiety. ‘* Of course I will, you idiot! Do you suppose I want to start a tannel She got the ear.—New York Graphi Govunop says, ‘* Those who do not like music are diseased.” Heaven help us! for we must be far gone. Miss Pedalnote favored us with some music, the other eve- ning, and people said it was splendid; but it seems that we are diseased and didn’t know it.—Boston Transcript. ‘Tuy were gliding over the glare surface of the ice together, making graceful sweeps with the glittering blades of their ‘* clubs.” “Tl dare you to make the fancy figures on “T’m quite sure, Regy, my boy, that you could beat me handson' at that,” replied Algernon, “The fancy figures I make on the ice, generally depend on the particular plaid pattern there is on my trouser And he immediately illustrated.—Hartford Post. Young or middle aged men suffering from nervous debility, loss of memory, premature old age, as the result of bad habits, should send three letter stamps for illustrated book offering sure meansof cure. Adress World’s Dispensary Medical Association, Buffalo, N.Y. Bluffing a Waiter. As we got into South Carolina we were joined by a judge from Pittsburgh. I forget just what court he was judge of, but he had been traveling South for his health, and had just figured up that he had pa fees to waiter: s mad all the way through. He vowed by his baldness that he wouldn't pay out another red cent, and we encouraged him as hard as we could, When we went to the hotel the landlord gave a big room with three beds in it. A big negro brought the trunks up, and when he was ready to go the judge called to him and began “Colored person, stand up! to aay to you that I sh vice without fees, Now I want Il expect prompt ser- You have brought up my trunk: that’s all right—it was your business to. I shall want water, and I'shall want a fire, and [ shall probably ask you to go on errands, but if you even look fees at me I'll throw you out of the window We were there two days, and the waiter vigilant, humble and willing, but as we le ready to depart the morning of the d, in comes a constable with a warrant to arrest the Judge for threats of personal vio- | lence. It had been sworn out beforea justice ten miles , and the complainant was the negro waiter, It took the two of us to hold the Judge down on his back during the first paroxysm, and when he had cooled off a little the negro slipped into the room and said: ‘White man, stand up! Now I want to say to you dat a five-dollar bill will settle dis yer case jist ua I feel now, butif you goes to call- in’ names or pullin hair or kickin’ I'll stick fur 825! DatJustice am my own brudder, an he’s jist achin’ to send some white man ail fur six months!” We sat on the Judge again for about twenty minutes, at the end of which time he handed over the amount and was pronounced sane. —Er. Hr “1 hate a soft hat.” She—‘* Do | you? You remember the old adage: ‘Like | hates like.’"—Boston Transcript. “The Slough of Dispondency” | in which you are wallowing, on account of | some of those diseases peculiar to you, madam, and which have robbed you of the rosy hue of health, and made life a burden to you, you can easily get out of. Dr. Pierce’s ** Favorite Prescription” will free you from all such troubles, and soon recall the rose- tint of health to your cheek, and the elastic- ity to your step. It is amost perfect specific for all the weaknesses and irregularities peculiar to your se: It cures ulceration, | displacements, ‘internal fever,” bearing: down_sensations, removes the tendency to cancerous affections, and corrects all un- natural discharges. “By druggists. PHYSICIANS and Druggtsts recommend Brown's Irom Hitters as the Hest Fonte, Cumbining Irom wilh pure vec ttable tonics st quick! LT titer rani ie Riood, Ma 4] comicbooks.com