Judge — January 3, 1885 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

dresses fit ’em more, and to inflate foot balz that boys uze as a exkuse fer kickin’ each other ’s shinz. I never see any fun in nokin alot ‘er air round a medder anyhow. It ’ the fellers more quicker as it doz wind sometimes takes onter itself “‘vizible form,” whitch can be seen by the naked I, coz I remember farther’s sayin’ a while ago that Ben, Butler “ blowed ” a good deal, and nothin’ but wind blow: ‘cept whistles, an’ he’d make a funny lookin’ whistle! Specially if the campain picturz flatter him as I understan’ they do. ‘This remins me, as our minister wood say, of a konundrum:—what iz the diffrence be- tween the lower part of a winder, and the atmosfere? Answer; One iz a winder seat an’ the other is the wind—yer see i Jim says that’s so ezy a hoss could gess it, and then he got enstrucktive an expland that wind air in motion,” kordin to ther diction I no that ain’t alwaz so, coz I was notisin’ Freddie Fuller’s hed, (whot sets in front oy me to school), an’ orl ov a suddin I sor his “ (hair in motion” an’ twazn’t the wind either. So Webster waz mi no “bout Freddie’s hed. Teacher said that pun was worse as any ov his, but he'd let it go this time, if I wouldn’t do it agin. I nu he'd forgit in a hour, so I promist. I fine it a good y to git along with every- body; to agree with ’em all the time, ’an then go do as yer want ter. took or else he didn’t “© CLYDE.” NEW YEAR'S CALLS. The Hat That Washington Wore. Wasutnoton’s Hat! At the very word our own hat doffs itself in the most patriotic reverence and politeness. We have gazed with considerable envy upon the latest styles in crowns now worn by the restless heads of the old world, and wis! ed we had two-thirds of their appraisement in money, but what are they all, when we consider it with calmness, to the hat that Washington wore? They are uncomfortable on a hot day; acrown is a bad thing to leave on a hotel hat rack; they are not likely to endure always; the pawnbroker has got many a one of them; the hotel clerk may one day wear on his hard-hearted shirt- bosom their choicest gems; they are often prone to get upon the wrong heads, and they often fall off; but there is ungemmed sim- pusit y inthe true Republican crown, honored by all, respected by kings, the hat that THE JUDGE. al Washington wore; and, unlike many akingly crown, that hat was never knocked off of th heroic head that inhabited it by any fore! hand. What a flood of fancies spring from tha suming hat as we ardently gaze upon i Jmperors and kings order crowns made after their own costly and claborate designs to fit their dignity, but when Washington’s wife told him that he sadly needed a new hat—he never bet on an election—he went to the store and selected this one, ready-made, and he was not particular about the style. It was the largest one in the house, but too small for his great h The hatter stretched it, and after paying more than it was worth, Washington pulled it as far down as he could over his head, left the old one, and wore this home. You know how a man walks down street with a new He was only human. rybody, of course, looked at it, and he wished he had allowed some man to wear it awhile, till he got better used to it. His head felt like it was out of place, he felt a little that way himself, though he tried to walk unconscious of the fact. At the corner of the street the stretch which the rascally hatter gave it, went back; it crawled higher on his head, and a Tory gust of wind took it off his head just as both hands got there where it wasn’t. Washington was alw on a capture, he was the same on a hat-sure; he started but far be it from us to give him away in this race, or to intimate how he would put his hand down on it when it wasn’t just there, or set his foot upon the place where it had just been previously. We will not even allude to these to make the picture stand forever in reliable history, and bring on litigation. When he got home, accompanying the hat, his wife—you know how it is yourselves, put up her hands and said—. But notwithstand- ing all this he kept the hat, whether it didn’t fit him or he didn’t fit the hat, and the hat was adopted into the family, and on the lin- ing was written “ G. W. His Hat,” thus be- coming a relic and a thing of history. Of course, at the close of the next public dinner he remembered exactly the place where he had forgotten to put it to be safe, and it was gone. It was only a hat, but then it was a hat, and the honor of the din- ner began to fade away when he looked on the only off hat left. But the man returned with it in time. Ie never stood in a crowd and had them to ask him to set it up on it, and nobody ever took it off his head to try it on, even if they did ask the price of it, and to have it mashed over his eyes in election times he was not theman. But after he had worn it up-town hindside before, and found it out, he had about the same kind of feel- ings that we usually have; and when his friend, Thomas Jefferson, sat down on it at a public meeting—well, it was soon over and didn’t last long, and they were just as good friends as ever; and we cannot blame him if he did get mad every time he hung it up in his hall and found’ it on the floor, and say it would fall down if it was nailed; and it seldom blew off his head unless it had state pers in it. This hat kept the weather off of the greatest head that America had ever pro- duced; Washington was at the head of the nation, and the hat was at the head of Wash- ington, who never was guilty of wearing it, like most of you wear a new hat, poised jauntily on your left car, and at church when it was sitting quietly on the floor, and a stranger entered th yew and stepped—but let us s this hat ort nothing of it; though he valued ighly, and never liked to see it hed lowly, This bat has beeen lifted to the highest ladies in the land in that civility which he ly knew, and he has not hesitated to put it under his arm to dance a minuet with the courtliest dames, Even to put it on weseem covered with greatness. Would we knew all that went on inside this hat in that busy brain at work for the welfare of his country. There is no man left to wear it. ‘Time m: e the fur off, but it will never be able to remove the glory which clusters around it. It was very dusty when we saw it. AL W. DELLAW, AN AFTER-DINY My Mary. “Ta, ha! Hah, hah, hah, ha-a!” laughed I, My particular friend, whose name is Mary, asked me what on earth I was langh- ing at. My particu friend never sces joke, and is, besides, rather cross sometimes. She asked the above question with the evi- dent intention of snubbing me, but 1] was not to be put down so, therefore I replied with increased hilarity: “At Tue JubGE; such a good joke, just listen. Ain’t this funny?” And I read her out one of the most excru- ciatingly side-splitting pieces of wit that it was ever my good fortune to come across. But it would notdo, Mary never moved a muscle. “But the joke,” she said. ‘* 1 want to hear the joke.” At first I felt annoyed, but after a mo- ment’s reflection my better nature conquered, All that was best and tenderest in me boiled right up to the surface. 1 was all heart, all sympathy. I felt nothing but deep sorrow for my poor friend’s infirmity. I sighed. I took her hand in mine and said, in a voice that quivered with ill-suppressed emotion: “ My poor dear, has it always been so with you? Could you never, at any time, how- ever far distant, could you never see a joke “No!” she answered in a sad and solemn voice. ‘*No, never! Even in my childish days, when they tried riddles and conun- drums on me, they were of no use. I re- member, on more than one occasion, sitting apart, with a strange, desolate feeling, while the rest of my family were convulsed with merriment over, “ Why docs a miller wear a white hat?” and other conundrums that I am sure were equally clever and amusing. I own I never could be amused by the mil- ler’s very natural desire to have his head covered.” She paused at last, and I tried to explain to her the good old joke of the miller and his hat, but she scarce'y seemed to hear, much less to heed ine—it was too evident | she could not take it in “Ts there no remedy?” she asked, “No comicbooks.com