Judge — December 27, 1884 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. The Poetical Market. He came intoan Austin newspaper office, and in a very pompous manner handed the editor a document with the remark: “My friends, to whom I have read this poem, praise it very highly, so I have con- cluded to allow you to publish it fora reason- able remuneration. “T can’t publish your poem, but I can give youa hint how you can make moncy out of it,” replied the editor after he had read over the verses. “T should be much obliged to you. “Those friends of yours who iris your poem so much have got money, have they not?” “*O, yes, some of them are quite wealthy.” “Then you bet them one to ten that there is not a paper in the United States that will publish the poem, without being paid for, and you scoop them for all they are worth. Good morning.”—Tezas Siftings. Thin n Soup. One of the highest olticers in the German army is very particular that his soldiers are properly fed. He is in the habit of making unexpected visits to the barracks and in- specting the food in person. ” On one of these visits he perceived two soldiers carrying a steaming boiler from the kitchen. “Pat itdown. Fetch a spoon,” manded. ‘The astonished soldiers looked other. One of them rushed off, but reappeared in a few moments with a spoon, “T want tosce what kind of soup you get,” said the General, as he dived into the boiler with the spoon, but as soon as he had tasted it, he spat it out, exclaiming: “What sort of devil’s broth is tha It tastes like dish water. What is it, anyhow? That's just what it is, Your Excellency, replied the soldier, ** it’s the water the dishes were washed in.”— Texas Siftings. CONSUMPTION CURE he com- at h fea 2 m port nd crosse:l red lineson only by paid, for 1.00, The best 3 ETT ENO as Ww Chromo Carts and Tennyson's Porms matte ‘ne cent stampa Acme Mp. Cos Iworyton 70 Address Tack & Co. Agusta, Maine, } she has sung | his stingine It is twenty. said that Patti has been in opera eyears. We know, however, that forte.—Philadelphia Call. Aw Italian succeeded in training number of parrots for opera singers. Parrots are born with fine wardrobes, and very little else is required —Philadelphia Call. Tue sign on the door of acity telegraph oftice represents a messenger boy in the act of running. The artist was undoubtedly a person of fertile imagination.—- Boston Courier. * What do you say to Christmas for our wedding day?” She—T say no, sir; you must be simple. Do you think I want to be cheated out of one ect of presents? ”-— Progress. De honey-bee is de miser 0’ insecks, yet results in good ter de human family. De stingy man is de miser o° folks but his stinginess doan do nobody no good. —Arkansaw Traveler. “T Have found out spring’s secret,” says a poet in Harper's. If he refers to some popular mineral spring, he has evidently been fishing in it and hauled outa keg of nails. — Philadelphia Call. Use a little judgment in buying Christ- mas presents, Don’t give your girl a pair of No. 8 boots, or purchase a looking-glass for a blind aunt. dyn Item. “Distrest that man who tells you distrust,” says Ella Wheeler. And we do, Mrs, Wilcox. But, on the other hand, must we trust the man who tells us to trust? Not by a jug full.—Norristown Herald. ** Burtep by installments” is a Philadel- phia idea, Not that they bury aman a piece at a time as friends can afford; they allow a check to be drawn for one coflin handle at a time. This is of great benefit to the poor, who are proud of showy funerals—when somebody e he corpse.—Hartford Post. to “T don’t see,” observed Mrs. Grap, “why, when they are giving away all them offices, they don’t let women hold something.” “They would, my dear, but the woman won’tdoit,” answered her husband. ‘Well, I should like to know, John Grap, what they'll let them hold Ife took his hat, looked to see that the hall door was open, and in trembling accents murmured, “Their tongues, my dear.”—Boston Post. Bos- 1 coil stove made of coal. —Detroit Free Press. And a snow-plow is not made of snow. Awfully funny, isn’t it? —- Bangor Commercial. Neither is a sponge cake made of sponges. Te, he!—Boston Journal of Commerce, Nor a head dress of heads. Ah, ha!—Salem Sun- beam, Nor a chicken salad of chicken They make it of v y— Oil City Derrick. A woop stove is not made of wood. ton Pos. Nor Funny, isn’t i How Women Differ from Men. AT least three men on the average jury are sagree with the rest just to show ot minds of their own; but there is no disagreement among the women | as to the merits of Dr. Pierce's “* Favorite Prescription.” They are all unanimous in pronouncing it the best remedy in the world for all those chronic diseases, weaknesses and complaints peculiar to their sex. It trans- forms the pale, haggard, dispirited woman, into one of sparkling health, and the ring- ing laugh again “reigns supreme” happy household. in the | A Marsiengeap woman claims to have jot returned from an cight-days’ visit to heaven and hell. They didn’t seem to want her in either place.— Boston Transcript. Never expect any kindness from an in- grate. The man who undertook to educate a mule got kicked out of the stable for his pains. Ingrates are just like mules, aud more 80.—Chicago Sun. A oer sings: ‘I miss you, my darling, my darling; The embers burn low on the hearth; * © The midnight chimes out from the minster; and I’m alone.” Why | don’t the blamed fool blow out the gas and go to bed instead of moaning at midnight and inflicting his complaints on newspaper readers?— Norristown Vie rald, Human Calves, * Nine-tenths of the result from human calves being 1 to run at large in society pas- tures, ine-tenths of the chronic or linger ing diseases of to-day originate in impure blood, liver complaint or billiousness, 1 ing in scrofula, consumption (which i scrofula of the lungs), sores, ulcers, skin diseasesand kindred affections. Dr. Pierce’s ** Golden Medical Discovery” cures all these Of Druggists. AN exchange unhappy marriages ACCIDENT INSURANCE AT HALF RATES OF OTHER COMPANIES, Catted States Mutual ACCIDENT Association, 320 Dreatway, Bez. BEST IN THE WORLD. WRITE CHAT. B, PEET, President. FOR CIRCULAR. JAMES R. 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