Judge — December 6, 1884 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Just drop around to Jones's place, And view his caskets o'er;— ‘Then make your choice, before you ‘flunk’ And start for Jordan's shore! See? the originality of the idea of leaving one’s measure for his ‘wooden overcoat’ be- fore ‘passing in his checks’, will take with the Pistareen reade nd the undertaker’s advance orders will cause him to en: whole page of adver and thereby swell your coffers with golden drachmas and roubles! Now, my Rajah of Editors, I have an endless variety of patented rhyming notices similar to the above—adapted to all branches of business—which I will sell to you for a mere considering their Intrinsic worth, and if you have one-half the sagacity and enterprise that those intelligent features of yours would seem to indicate, you will close a bargain with me for the Pistareen’s exclusive right to use them, ke-wicker t ! T have chirped x spar an lightning! my carol, and now await your high cockal- orum’s pleasure.” The Managing Editor nervously toyed with a two-pound iron paper-weight with one band, and took a firm grip on the shears vith the other, and inquired of his loqucious itor und alleged poet: “How much do you want for the s privileges connected with your schen . a royalty of a free subscription of the paper, as long as we make use thereof? “What? No sir-ce I'll take a control- ling interest in the shares of the Pistareen, —the position of Political Editor at a salary of two hundred dollars per month, with the expenses of an European trip paid for me every year,— vertising specialties, and not a cent les The heavy paper-weight came down on his luckless cranium at the same instant as the sharp shear-points sank deep in his vitals, and, as the grim Managing Editor stooped down and feloniously extracted the bundle of “Copyrighted Advertising Verses” from his victim’s inside pocket, he laughed in fiendish glee; then, spurn‘ag the dead poet with his aristocratic foot, he ordered: “What ho, without! (enter the “devil,” and one jour. printer). ©: carrion away and donate it to the dissecting- room of some Medical College! (sotto voce) Aha! I will now enrich the Pistareen with this great idea, without being obliged to ‘divy’ with its author! !” office rt this MA! uat mat The Reason Why. Not [never was a fellow To spoon, you know; T never want to mash the girls— I tell them so; I do not care to wink at them, ‘o smile or sigh, To kiss them, or to press their hands. Do you know why? I'm nothing of I must confess; I do not care for dyed hair, Don’t care for dress; I never sport a masher hat Or sky-blue tic, Or plaids that J could walk out through; Do you know why? Jude neither, I don't suppose I'm handso: But still L pass; When I look every morr Into my glass I see a bottle ni And ¢ Yet the 1s Do ye The ¢ blin s all ade kuow why? eye; c= work me tasty slippers at I can't wear, They send me presents—photographs And locks of hair; They beg me to drop in and call When I pass by, And keep their sweetest smiles for mo— Do you know why? ‘Tis not for my attractive self These beauties car They like m A millio There's nothing half so beautiful, ‘The sweet gitls cry, Asa man with heaps of money— So that’s just why. just because Lam Even the temperance lawyers have bar | bills. A CHAIN | She made a fuss be | co: | stole the res! in | check for &3 WITHOUT A DOO. Journal of Young Sawbone’s Bride. Dee, Ist unk H ful, horrid woman that rented one of our rooms, has departed. Why, I never heard of anybody as impertinent as she was, and she wanted everything she could think of. ause there wasn’t Cannel Jered six towels a day, and then said they were not fine enough, Well, they cost twelve dollars a dozen. She spilled shoe blacking on three of them and ast they disappeared when en that that dread- for her grat she did. I just couldn’t stand her at all, and. Mary declared she'd leave if the woman didn’t, So I went and told Edward I'd rather live a tenement house myself than to have such a creature around. When I told bim this he looked glum, and said she might as well go he supposed. It didn’t make much difference avyway for he didn’t see how we were going to pay the rent and mect our other expenses, whatever way we fixed it. then Mama came in all smiling and happy—and when I saw her, and thought how easily she and Papa got along, and how happy I used to be at home, I just threw my- self into her arms and burst out crying. “Whatever is the matter,” she exclaimed. “ Are you not happy?” ‘Then, as Edward turned on his heel and left, looking daggers at me, I told her every- thing. Yes, everything, including the brown paper parcel and the baby. That night at dinner Edward was as cross two sticks, While we were eating, a note ame from Papaand, on opening it, I founda 0. Edward looked somewhat relieved when I handed it over to him and he cooly put it in his pocket. I am quite sure it ought to have my name on the back of it before it can be cashed, He didn’t even say thank you to me. My head aches awfully too, for after Mama left, that terrible lodger came down and said unless she could have an eider down blanket on her bed, she would leave. I calmly told her I guessed she’d have to go comicbooks.com