Judge — November 29, 1884 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. THAT just postponed that the street. My Rector, of Holy Moses because my Rector Church, called, and, in relation to my candi- another year. dacy for vestryman, suid that he thought “i had better hold over until next year.” Many of the ladies. came and wept with my wife, and advised her to get a divorce. But as a red nose is not legal grounds in Ne' York State, my dear wife remained faithful to the last (of the campaign). During those “days of darkness” there were no bouquets picked from our garden; they were nos & CORNICULA, The Upsetting Sin. | “Brepore,” exhorted the Rev, Buck- washer Struggles previous to giving the benediction to his congregation, who were bent on making a colored night of it at a wedding spree,“ breddren, when Sent Poll in his ’pistol to de Columbians, warn us agin’ de sin wich do most easy upset us, it manifest dat de ’postle hab his eye on wiskey. Bewar’ den, wile you is enjoyin’ on de fried chickens and de sassages, and de biskets, de warious gifts of Providence—bewar’ de upsettin’ sin.” Even my children bothered me by s “nosir” continually. I applied to the osol- ogists, but their nostrums were of no avail. My also-former friend Doctor Pi ingly said, “1 think you have a little corn on your nose.” Timmediately called for his bill and dismissed him with a few well chosen remark: If I went to a concert perhaps they would sing. ‘Comin’ thro’ the Rye,” and all would turn to me every time * Rye” came out. Now my duties in conducting the canvass for my friend, Bill Sheridan, in a strongly Democratic whiskey ward, required me to “treat” every workingman, and sce them all “ander my nose.” On Election-night, the good work bei ended (as well as my cash), I stopped drink- ing entirely. ‘Three days afterward, when the returns were all in, my nose was ready for the canvass for vestryman, which will be | extinguishing floods by submerging them an aggressive one. Bill was elected. with water, and saving a house on fire by T say the canvass for vestryman “ will be” | kicking it out of doors. on laugh- Aut patriotic Americans will rally round the fact that when our brave coachman takes the field the foreign Count counts for noth- ing. Tue anxious minded good man who tried to gag Bob Ingersoll by the help of the courts is now trying to smother him with tra "Tis likely that Robert the Terrible will escape again. In these latter days, when there be so. many Gallioson the bench, it is an up-hill business to raise a posse comitatus for the apprehension of ‘these Godless Roberts, By the way, couldn’t the afore- id anxious minded invent us a plan for New York, as a place of residence, is the finest cit: the Univers This eulogium is sometimes commenced with the ement. that it is so casy to yet away from, or ter for excursions. ow, we claim that all its attractions, and every means of enjoyment are contained within itself, Passing over the cheapness and excellence of its theatres, operas, races, and amusements, we that, climatically considered, it has inducements not elsewhere held out. No matter from what country you hail, you can here be ac- comodated with your own weather and climate on the spot. All you to do is to wait patiently till your own sort of weather comes along, then it for all it is worth. If you were in the city born, you have an in- finite variety of weather to choose from. If you come from Greenland you can be frozen, if from Arabia roasted. If you are an Ital- ian and want malaria—if German, and lager beer is necessary to your comfort, you can be supplied on the shortest notice. The only one who can not be suited is our friend John Bull, who cannot get his nafive fog, or colorable imitation thereof. If at ny time one of his nationality should com- n, if not actually grumble, depend upon it, the ab: of fox causes it, you know, so sympathize with him, It isa merciful interposition of Providence that the New York winds are thus tempered to the differ- ent shorn Jam even should any unshorn lambs arrive, they can be fleeced here as well as here else, In‘summer think how pleasant it is after | simmering for six or eight hours during the day, to sit on the stoop feeding mosquitoes and waiting for a cool breeze to come along. It always docs come, if you wait long enough. ‘Then look how cheap ice is, for a paltry dol- lar or two you can get a ton of it, delivered in icicles at your own door. _ It is the same price if delivered at any one else’s door—only im that case the other fellow pays for it, un- less his credit be exceedingly good, when he needn’t pay for it atall, but gaily waltz off to Canada where he tice for nothing and nothing but ic As a pleasure city New York is perfect, as a temporary residence unequalled—whereas what with’ the pistol of the illicit burglar, and the club of the friendly policeman, the layful pneumonia and the deadly boarding- house hash, the beauty of Greenwood and Cypress Hill, and the insinuating attack of time, it pos unusual attractions as a final place of settlement, and frequently con- vinces people of the most roaming disposition to adopt it as their final home, are most fearfully and wonderfully aid Karl Shirts, while looking at the skeleton of a monkey in the museum, Sunov.p Belva, discouraged by the result, pees after the manner of men, to desert her party and go over to the enemy, a ribald press will be only too ready to say that she has turned her—petticoat, AN Ohio Republican of the practical breed, who in the late campaign wanted to get at the bottom facts, asked a convention —or was it a flock(?) of Ohio wool-growers what it was that they really wanted,—free trade, or protection. ‘The chairman—or wi it the —bell-wether( promptly answered “ba-a-,” ‘This answer, the pract!- cal politician naturally regarded as a power- ful endorsement of his own theories. comicbooks.com