Judge — November 15, 1884 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Some News Items Gleaned from our Rural Contemporaries. Mr. Jerre Brack, who w: week by the Reading belle, has returned to the maternal font, so to sp It is said that the honor of the elopement has made such a salutary impression on his mind that he intends to abandon the whipsand ribbons and study forthe ministry, The young lady is strongly condemned by society for aspir- ing beyond her condition, but n alas, she will be compelled to endure the pan “thou art gone foreve Tue gentleman in Concord, who com- mitted suicide last week, because his theory was too lazy to work, has recommitted it and is doing as well as can be suspected. Pror. Gnossroose got into a difficulty yesterday with a gentleman who was driving down Orange Street. Unfortunately the ditticulty narrow that the Professor could not find room for his feet, which, as they hung out of the vehicle, collided with a canal boat and knocked the mule off the tow- path, Weare happy to state that the boat escaped with nothing more serious than a bruised limb. But the condition of the mule is so extremely critical that he has been en- gaged to write the literary criticisms for the Noqnarterly Review. As for the Professor's fect, they seem to hi escaped with un- diminished size. We hope this painful oc- currence will teach gentlemen either to en- large their difficulties or not attempt to get into the m two at a time, orry to learn that our genial friend, has been eloped in the most ava rte manner by the only daughter of our enterprising townsman, Mi Moneygrub, who had re d Mr. Whipps as family cos . 3 must be a great shock to the family of the hman, who have reason to believe that if the gentleman had successfully resisted the advances of Miss Moneygrub he would have had a splen- did chance of being eloped by another heiress of much greater expectations than Miss G Mr. Noopeer, while on his way to his office this morning, lost his presence of mind, As soon as he discovered his loss he turned to look for the missing article, and rossing the North Central track the ress came thundering round the curve. ‘Though warned of the danger, the train could not step from the track in time to avoid a collision, A cow-catcher who must_have been riding on one of the front ngled beyond recognition. Mr. nages consist merely in having en telesi 1 three or four moves into his plug hat. We have often had occasion to advert to the reckless habit which some of the trains on South Central have of getting on the track when occupied by pedestrians. eloped last Democrats are like burglars—opposed to all notions of protection. Axywvy that blind door can be fixed?” hed the owner, of a carpenter. **O yes, [can improve its site.” “Ts his moral character good?” “O yesh, yesh, shudge, he vas all right. —he voted mit Go get married’ and then you will have some one to pull your boots ‘off when you come home tea soaked club,” is an old stage bers. two A. M. from the advice to new mem- “Unete, are you an officer?” “ Why child, what put that idea into your head ?” “Why every time Ma speaks of you, she calls you old General debility.” Damius and The Python. ATAnLE plentiful but greasy, Waiters not plentiful but greasy, Room'lighted by one window and that window in another room up stairs, But no matter, it was gaslight. On opposite sides of the table two. friends Damius and the Python, Thus the Python: “Yes it is easy to say (two beers) that one can save (another yard of that sau age) on eighty dollars a month, but when you've (three more beers) a wife and (some of ise pork-pie) children to support why your (tripe? yes) expenses run up before you know where you are. Now I save (four more beers or make it six while you’re about it) wherever I can see (a slice of that schweitzer) a chance (and half a dozen Litiz pretzels). I believe if I should spend money on (four dozen oysters, fried) luxuries like some of our fellows and didn’t always think of (half an apple pie and a cheese custard) my family first I would feel mean enough to you sec, when a fellow becomes attached to (a bit of limburger) his wife and family, he just feels as though he would be willing for their sake to eat (five dozen raw oysters and and ten pickled eggs) a dinner of cold pota- toes without salt. No, Damins, its no use to try (one of your ten cent cigars), though whereever I can see a chance to save I go for (one of your twenty fives; a freshman couldn’t smoke this on it. But, believe me, Damins, the family expenses run up to (an- other cigar, or say—I'll take the whole box) | hors | frightful figure, so that a fellow really has no chance to save, and rarely has a nickel for his private use—by the way, Damius, did you see my latest meerschaum 2—colora like the rose of Sharon—and only cost me twenty dollars—wonder if yonder chap in the corner would sell his spotted dog, splendid match for Prince—do you know, Damius, Prince will eat nething but the finest porterhouse? old boy these family expenses— Damius was so appalled at the picture the Python drew that he resolved that very night to devote the next ten years of his life to not getting himself a wife and family, ‘THoMASINA sat at the front parlor win- dow. ‘The gentle creature was the pet of the family. “She had a natural longing for | the ideal and similar articles, which had been improved by too much reading of romance. She had just laid aside her boxing-gloves and put on her smoking-c one of those | delicious smoking-caps which the talented to hang (another schooner) myself. But | novelist E. Bully Litonette describes as a rgeous Louis Quincunx filleygreed with chibooks and bonmots and surrounded with priceless bricks deb —when suddenly Jenniken’s carriage rolled by. With a long felt emotion she cried out, Oh Aunt, just look! what a boss match.” ‘ Well,” said the old lady dryly, “if they were both of the same size and color I think they would make a better match.” ‘* Oh,” ejaculated the fair Thomasina, ‘ botheration, what the Dickens and Thackeray do I care about the I was speuking of the coachman,” comicbooks.com