Judge — October 11, 1884 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Rate Discrimination. ara)—‘* What will you STRANGER (at Nia : ‘across the Suspension drive me man—* Wel Who are you?” Stranger can that mak Hackman— that depends. Who am I What difference Well, if your are an ordinary tour my price is but if you area American bank hier, [ want half.”— Philadelphia Call, Gilhooly’s Discovery. Tiere were some fresh rolls on the table at the boarding house of widow Flapjack, on Austin avenue. Gilhooly took one and n “Well,” said he, drawing a deep breath, he longer I live the more I find out.” “What discovery have you made ked Mrs, Flapjack nervously. “The rolls are new, are they not? Jertainly they are I have madea discovery. Did you know, Mrs. Flapjack, that the cockroach had a talent for theatricals?” “No, indeed, I did not. this morning. “Tam not joking a bit. Here is a cock- roach that has put in ans pearance in an entirely new roll,” as he held the ins for the inspection of the boarder: Siiftings. You funny Wild Bill Talks to the Quaker Indian Commissioner. “Go on with thy account of the thunder id the Qu man. as I telling you,” said Wild Bill, placeing his pistol in “his pocket and looking the Quaker Indian Commissioner ‘aight in the fi like a truthful man, “1 say as I was telling you, I seen clouds making to north’ard and { knowed it was going to settle in for thick weather. I told’ my son to look out, and in less than half an hour there broke the doggondish storm I ever seed. Kant Why, gentlemen, it rained so hard into the muzzle of my gun that it busted the darned thingat the breach! Y sir. And the water began to rise around u: te ‘alk about your floods down South! W hy, gentlemen, the w.ter rose so rapidly in my house that it flowed up the chimn nd | streamed 300 fect up in the botir ways that trip, up and down! “Do we understand thee is relating fs within the scope of thine own experience? demanded the clergyman, with Nis mouth wide open. “Partially mine and partially my son’s,” answered the truthful Bill. Ife watched ched it come down! But 5 : of how it rained when I tell you that we put out a barrel without any heads into it, and it rained into the bung- hole of the barrel faster than it could run out at both ends!” “ Which of you inquired the clergyman. “We each watched it together, my son and me,” returned Wild Bill, “ till my son got too near the barrel and was drowned. Excuse these tears gentlemen, but I can never tell about the storm without crying. “Verily the truth is sometimes stranger than fiction,” said the clergyman, “ Verily Eli Perkins. We got it aw that, thee or thy son?” Will Be a Politician. A LITTLe boy and girl playing in the yard. The little girl finds an apple under the tree, and with an exclamation of delight, begins to bite it. “Hold on,” The ec said the boy. Throw it y Iway is comin’, and if you eat t apple you will be took sick, an’ you can’t talk, an’ the doctor will come an’ give you some bad medicine an’ then you will itching it up begins to eat it. * Don’t,” the girl cries, ** Won't it kill 00, too? ‘No,” said the boy, munching the fruit, won't kill boys. Its only after little Boys don’t have colway.” ‘That youngster will be a great politician, —Arkansas Traveler. “it gir A Dull Drug Clerk. morni ‘el e at wrin, tore in South Boston. As he opened the door his Mon- golian face wore an appearance of deep meditation, which soon gave way to a smile which every son of China can assume when occasion requires. ‘* Me wantee—a—me for- gottee ne—a—you knowee—flifty-two.” And, thinking the explanation perfectly clear and satisfactory, his smile opened into a broad grin, “You've got me de pounder of Jpressespeos chair. ‘I glo blind!” yelled the Chinaman, thoroughly aroused. Then looking in the direction of the cold sheet-iron stove, which was taking a vacation preparatory to service in a colder season, he rushed madly toward it and seized a poker. Fearing that'something dreadful about to happen, the drug clerk jumped to his fect, and, with eyes starting from their sockets, cried loudly “Here! Drop that poker—quick! ” “Ah!” exclaimed the chinaman, letting fall from his hand the crooked iron rod, and smiling the happiest of smiles, ‘Ah! Ploker! Me forgottee the name. Ploker— flifty-two.” “Oh, I know now,” said the clerk, scowl- ing at himself for his dullness, Why couldn’t you have said playing cards in the place? Who's going to know what you mean by ‘ploker,’ and ‘glo you,’ and ‘slee you,’ and all that? You can’t xpect Ameri- cans to understand about Chinese games, can you? These are playing cards, C-arred-s!” ,, Clards?” Stated the Chinaman, with another broad grin, and as he paid for the package and broke the seal. “Clards—I glo you flifty-two better.”—Ev. cried the com- , dropping into a “You say New England girls have beau- tifal hands, e! in San Antone, Te: hand than any New England girl; four aces to my four queens; skinned me out of $5000; don’t talk to me about pretty hands,” re- marked a resident of the Hill, who went to the sunny clime for his health.—Brooklyn Times. , that had a prettier + * © © Rupture, piles, tumors, fistulas and all diseases of lower bowel (except can- cer), radically cured, Address, Worlds Dis- pensary Medical Association, Buffalo, N. Y and enclose two(3ct.) stamps for book. Cards | Humph, saw a nigger down | Delights of Country Life. “Now, then, farmer,” s the city, after he had made arrangements for the board of himself and family for a fort- night, and paid the bill in advance. ‘I suppose w 1 live in clover while we are here —plenty of good country butter, and all that, eh?” «0, yes, sir,” No danger of starving, eh?” “OQ, no, sir; the peddlers from the city come this way tw week with vegetables, fruit, and such; the milk train stops and leaves a can every day, and the Putter, cheese, and eggs man comes round every Saturday as regular as clock work. You needn’ t fear but you'll have plenty to eat. —Somerville Journal. the denizen of A Tramp's Victory Y esTERDAY when atramp stopped a lawyer wold street and begged for a dime to get his dinner, the lawyer replied: “Why on earth don’t you get out into the country?” “What fur?” «Get you a piece of land and go to farm- ing.” ‘* My dear sir,” said the tramp, ‘if I had the land, which I can’t get, I’d know no more about farming than you do of sailing a ship. You are a smart man—ten times as smart as I am—but can you tell me when to ant corn?” “ Why—ahem—why, urse.”” But the month?” “Well—ahem—I suppose it’s along after the snow goes off. “And about ro in the spring, of ion of crops?” —I never heard of any. “ And what is sub-soiling “Sub-soiling? Why, it’s something con- nected with farming. “And how much wheat do you sow to the acre?” ‘The lawyer couldn’t remember whether it was twenty or forty bushels, but dodged the ase by observing: “The great trouble with this country is that we have too many consume! “ Then how is it that breadstuffs, groceries and clothing are down, and so many fac- tories shutting up? Tavn’t we really pro- ducedtoo much? inquired the tramp. “But as I remarked,” continued the lawyer, as he shifted around, “ this country can never hope to improve until we have protec! tion.” “Then how comes it that the lumber busi+ ness, already so heavily protected, is as flat ‘ou shut up!” hotly exclaimed the y he handed over a quarter and moved off. “As I remarked in my opening address we are living beyond our means.” “Well, dunno,” replied the tramp as he pocketed the mon “IT propose to make this ’ere pay for three meals and a bed, and I don’t see how you can figger any finer.”— Ex. “How is your husband to-day Jones?” “He is very ill indeed.” * than he was?” ‘Oh, yes; the nurse is beyond the reach of the doctors now “T’'m glad to hear it.” ‘What? What! “V’m glad to hear it. ow, if you can only keep him beyond their reach, I think he will get well rapidly.”—Merchant Traveler. Mrs, he comicbooks.com