Judge — September 27, 1884 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. A Kind-Hearted Man. “Tr is eruel to keep that dog closely muzzled this warm weather,” said a New York gentleman to a boy leading a small dog; “the owner of that dog must be a cruel man,” “Oh, no, sir, he is the kindest-hearted man in the world. He keeps the dog muzzled to prevent him from biting.” “From biting children, I suppose.” “Oh, no, from biting the fh that almost worry the life out of the poor animal.”—Tezas Siftings. Old Style Religion Suits Her. “Wuat do the papers mean? ” asked a good old lady at the south end. ‘I sce they say that all the ministers are coming out for Cleveland or Blaine. Is it any kind of a new religion or faith they have got up?” : “\No; it simply means they are taking one side or the other in politics, and has no reference to religious belief at all.” “Tthink they'd better drop politics and | makes them | attend to church affai It forget their Creator. I haven’t heard of one coming out for the Lord since the days of Moody and Sankey.”—Boston Globe. He Didn't Collect the Bill, Tuere is a woman residing on Croghan street who has been owing a down-town firm a matter of $14 for three or four years past. One collector after another has worked every sort of game to get hands on the money, but in vain. To one the widow was ‘“‘up the lakes;” to another ‘gone South for her consumption;” to a third “would pay next week,” and soft talk or threats failed to reduce the amount by one single cent. The other day a collector, noted for his cast-iron cheek and silver- plated perseverance, took the bill with the understanding that he was to have half for collecting. Me gained admittance to the house under pretence that he was a census taker, and he discovered the widow and an old bureau at the top step. The widow was behind the bureau,being evidently about to “ tote” it down Airs. “What do you want?” she asked. “ Ahem—well—I called, madam, to—to “To what?* “ About a—a little bill, madam.” Can’t pay it this week.” “But, madam, the bill has stood for several—" “Can't pay it, I say, and I’m getting aw- If fal tired holding this bureau! adam, the billis for $14. Ify pay me half to-day I would call next Can’t hold it more than a more!” she interrupted. “While our house aims to deal in the most lib- She let go of the bureau, and his first jump landed him in the hall. He was about a second ahead of the furniture as he shot out of the open front door, but it caught up with him on the steps and took a heel off his boot and rolled him over on the grass. He thought the burean would stop there, butt it didn’t. It pursued him down to the . bumping his back at every jump, and he thought he was a half a mile away before the knobs and casters quit whizzing past his ears,—Detroit Free Press. a could minute A Natural Mistake. Youn@ Husband—* How thoughtful you are of my comfort, love. 1 little knew what a treasure I was getting.” Bride—“I certainly am trying to be a good wife, dear, but to what do you particu- larly refer?” To that circ! had cut for me.’ “Marble?” “Yes; when I said we needed a stepping- stone out in front on account of the height of the carriage, I had no idea you would relieve me of the trouble of getting it.” stepping-stone? ” “Yes; you left it on the sideboard to sur- prise me, didn't you, love? But I saw it, and the gardner and I carried it out and put | ilar block of marble you it in position; but it was very dangerous to | allow the quarrymen to place suc weight on the sideboard. broken it.”” “Circular stepping-stone, — ‘marble’— ‘sideboard’—<‘ great weight’—Oh, you horri brute, that was my first iced cake.”—Phila- delphia Call. a great It might have A Short Road to Opulence. | quantance in my lif you are out of work?” “And have no money?” Not a cent.” **And haven't tasted food for two da * Not a mouthful.” “And no show ahead? * Not ashow.” What a numskull of a man you are! Here, take this list of chaps who are seck- ing city and county nominations this fall | and strike ’em for a dollar apiece, and buy a new suit of clothes and a diamond pin and go to some first-class hotel!”—Detroit Free Press. The Suicide. A citizes who had lost all confidence in mankind and who no longer cared to live in a world where Jay Gould rune all the rail- jumped himself into the river and gave the Coroner a job. When the adminis- trators came to look over his papers they cried in chorus: ‘What a fool! He was getting 15 per cent. on his money, and by giving his wiles Bill of Sale of his personal property he had everything fixed qo beat his creditor Morat:—It is that sort of men who com- plain the loudest about the world’s chicanery and ingratitude, and it’s a wonder he didn’t hang o1.—Detroit Free Press. Tue Salvation Army is foraging around in Switzerland yet. “There is still some danger of its going to Berne.—Paris Beacon. A Cuicaco scenic artist has been insen- sible for several days, and report says he seems to be suffering from ‘a severe shock of some kind.” Accidently saw one of his pictures by daylight, perhaps.— Philadelphia Call. Any Small Boy, with a Stick, can kill a tiger,—if the tiger happens to be found when only a little cub. So consump- tion, that deadliest and most feared of diseases, in this country, can assuredly be conquered and destroyed if Dr. Pierce’s “Golden Medical Discovery ” be employed early. A coLoRED man at Newport wears a $10,- 000 diamond shirt stud, It is not yet known whether he is waiter or runsa roller coaster. —Brooklyn Times. “HWetto, Ed, you fat rascal, how's tricks?” The hotel clerk looked up aston- ishd to hear a stranger address him in th manne! “You don’t know me, eh?” ** No, can’t say that I do, but I don’t like to have strangers quite so familiar on short ac- quaintance.” “Why, Ed, you don’t pre- know your old friend, do you?” ‘Hot Day! G Shake, old man. It’s so long I didn’t recognize you. Stop wish and call me what you ever was so glad to renew an‘a y life.” Mot Day beamed such a warm smile that the seasiders took their ulsters off.—Brooklyn Times, Tpligies like. “ONLY.” “Only” a scrap of peel in the street, But it threw the gentleman off his feet. “Only But it spra turn on a cobble stone, an ankle and fractured a bone. “Only” a brick from the seaffold on high, But it cracked the skull of a passer by “Only "a slip while decending the stair, But on crutches he goes to his table fure. “Only” five dollars membership fee— Bat it p An Wh to be one of the members, you see. ccident Policy's just the thin h Fifty Dollai On the U. 8. Mutual Acc To any disabled ani a week will bring, lent plan, Who is wise in Tothe office, Thrce Huudred and Twenty Broadway Membership Fee, $ for % Indemnity Indemnity Write for Circular and Application Blank, and when received fill out your application, inclose $5 and forward it to the Secretary at New York, on ipt of which a policy will be promptly OU. Annual Cost 100 Accident: Insurance $10,000 In pout $12 Weekly Weekly The United States Mutual Accident Association, 320 BROADWAY, NEW YORK. CHAS. B. PEET, (of Rogers, Peet & Co.,) Pres't. R. PITCHER, Secretary. wantto win at cards, send for the HEL A‘sure thing. Will BROWN, Salem, N. HL comicbooks.com