Judge — September 20, 1884 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Too Thin. “Ir is astonishing,” remarked Sam Colly at the breakfast table, ‘‘ how extremes meet in this world.” “To what extremes do you refer, Mr. Colly?” asked the widow Flapjack, who was pouring out the coffee. “Well, you, for instance, are very stout, and the coifce is so very thin,”.and he stir- red up the mixture, and smiled in a si sort of a way. “It’s not so thin as your excuse for not ng your board regularly.” m has not said * coffee” since.— Texas Sifthings. Missed it Every Time. “T Have been a citizen of the United States twenty five years,” said Father William, ‘‘and I have voted at every election that has been held since I came of age; J have always voted the full ticket, and yet I | have never voted for president.” “You are old, Father William,” the young man replied, ‘much too old for me, but don’t see how that can be elucidated.” * Because,” said Father William, sadly, “‘T have always voted the democratic ticket, and since 1856 that ticket has never con- tained the name of a president. I have tried to vote for president, but never suc- ceded,” And the young man resolved that he would vote the republican ticket if he had to sit up all night to do it.—Burlington Hawkeye. Where Was He. “‘Wuere was your father last Sunday afternoon?” asked the minister of an un- sophisticated young lady. ** He must have attended some lecture,” replied she innocently. ‘Are you sure? I was not aware that there was a lecture given in town last Sunday.” “There must have been,” said the young lady, ‘‘for I distinctly heard him tell a friend at six o’clock that he had_ paid seventy-five cents for cushioned seats in the rand stand, and that Mr. Somebody’s delivery was just perfect.—Scissors. Chestnuts and Where to Get Them. “On, papa,” said young Willie Great- tieart the other day as he was walking out in the country with his father, ‘“let’s get some chestnuts,” “They are not ripe out here,” respondid Mr- Greatheart, ‘but we might get some in the city.” “ Where?” was the eager inquiry, “At the office of soma paper which ex- changes with the western funny papers. There is always a full crop of chestnuts in western funny papers,” was the reply. And then Mr. Greatheart smiled a big fat smile that puzzled his son so much that he stubbed his toe against a fence-rail.— Hatchet. Now that quinine has become so chea) tha fashionable young men out West thin! it beneath them to shake for it. It is, how- ever, no more than justice demands to say of them that they will shake for almast any- thing else.—Boston Transcript. ‘Tue man who makes wagers may be very wicked, but the one who does not is no better.—Tezas Siftings. Tue violin craze which has recently at- tacked some women was probubly caused by a desire to possess a beau.— Boston Budget. Boston has lost interest in the North Pole. Sullivan says it can be no use to “science.” —Philadelphia Call. Witutam Smaxspeare is running for “ ary of state on the Michigan democratic r ate ticket. Alas, how fallen.—Hartford Post. y man who gives lessons on the fiddle y call himself a “ professor.” A doctor of music is one who tunes pianos.—New Orleans Picayune. Joxes—* What a waspish summer this is.” Smith— Waspish! What a queer term for a summer season.” “Tt exactly describes however.” “Why, how?” “Tt is the hottest at the rear end.”— Philadelphia Call, “Now here is a genuine Havana cigar for you, but it must be smoked with judg- ment ion.” “So you can’t smoke it yourself and that’s the reason you gave it to me. Yow haven't got any judgment of your own I suppose.” Texas Siftings. this summer, oman, after five for divorce be has discove: blood in his veins, A man who has been mrrried five years should have been bled sufficiently to have all the negro blood out of him.—Boston Transcript. How He Wooed And Won. “©O I’m a persistent wooer, I am,” Dalrymple to his friend, the other moruin, “Ts that so?” “Why, Lam wooing all night long, “Well, such devotion ought to have moved any one, and should have brought its did you win Well, yes, after daylight; but you see it didn’t last long, only about an hour.” “Why, how’s that, was she so fickle?” es Well, you see, I had just slid into her arms and clasped her to my heart, which steeped my soul in bliss, when I awoke from my ecstatic dream, for the sun put in an ap- pearance and shattered all my hopes.” “The son? I don’t see what he had to do witht it. If it had been her father I can see how he might have ended the fun. But what did the girl’s brother do?” “Girl! who said anything about a girl? I was wooing sleep, you fool.”—Carl Pret- zels Weekly. A Girl's Self-Sacrifice. “ARABELLA, you do not doubt my love?” «No, Alphonso, why should I?” “Listen then; I have taken a solemn vow and you must aid me in its fullfillment.” «With my life! What is it?” «I have ‘solemnly sworn to eat no ice cream this season, Arabella.” “Ah, Alphonso, you shall not find me lack- ingcourage. I will aid you to keep your vow. I will eat it for both of us,"—Pittsburgh Chronicle. ed that her husband has negro | Teceipt Now say, thoughtful man, do you think it will To keep taking such risks as you run every g secured, cps you insured? yan Accident Policy which J es Mutual makes. you secure, U 1 ‘ou seek, ars a week, y 1 dep Ten Thouss comfort her sorrows Membersh 5 Weekly Indemnity. | $10,000 Inst Weekly Indemnity at correspondin HOW TO BE Write for Circular and Applica when received fill out your application and forward it to the Secretary at New York, on receipt of which a policy will be promptly mailed The United States Mutual Accident Association, Starr Wi AGENTS " a ready market Send f an +19 {oe Taombly Waltting Machine Co., 1 Tre. mont Street, Hemton, Sask ARTISTIC CAMPAIGN BANNERS. per do, 120 fectly transp. ‘and Democratic £97 Samples forwarded at dozen rates with addition of 3 cents for packing. SCOTT ART COMPANY, 176 Broadway, N. ¥. comicbooks.com