Judge — August 30, 1884 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

SSS | | | ee 6 Cleveland's White Slave. Suggested by reading a letter from a horse-car man to tbe X.Y. Sun." Tawa New York horse-car man, My car runs near the famed Broadway, And by the company’s hard plan I toil sixteen long hours a day, The friends of labor passed a bill This unjust tyranny to brave, But, by the stroke of Cleveland's pen, Istill am kept a poor white slave. What, the All day I toil these sixteen hours— nd far into the i health and vital powers, But Cleveland's quill pen sealed its fate, So Iam still a poor white slave. dents hold mt divine, Some so called Indep That Cleveland is 1 But this [ know, wh He is an cnemy of mine. So when beside the polls I stand, The sacred ri To vote ‘gainst him whose heart and hand Declared I still should be a slave. TUOMAS F. PORTER ver his mould, ht 1 will not wave, My Vacation. I nap scarcely re-attired myself when | Juliana burst into my room and invited me to go ‘ter meetin” with her; “I'll meetjer in the pawlah,” she said, as she disappeared without “bobbing up serenely.” When I entered the * pawlyh,” I found her attired in her ** goter meetin” garments, and sing- ing ‘Tidings of Comfort and Joy,” ala Billy Rice. Talk about your Parisian fashions! Jethrew! she could double discount them all and throw in twenty points like fun, Contrary to the usual custom of classic writers, I begin to describe her festive attire from the bottom instead of the top, for I hold that in describing any object the most prom- inent features should receive the first atten- tion of the historian; now, seeing that her pedal extremities were decidedly predomi- nating in length, breadth, calibre, and cir- cumference—aye, emphatically Chicagoan— I begin there. Instead of Mirage Francaise she had evidently used stove polish, for her cowhide foot-gear hal a peculiar metallic lustre, and reflected with mirror-like faith- fulness the zig-zag business of her skirt and things. The material of her dress looked like the cloth Ohio cheese is wrapped in, and had more colors than Joseph’s coat,” and flounces as numerous as the scales on a Del- aware shad. Around her waist she wore the celebrated sash which had produced the po- etic effusion of “‘grandmam,” while ae bodice, crossed and recrossed by twisted red, white, and blue ribbons that looked like miniature barber-poles, set off her bust, as classic as Hebe’s, to enrapturing advantage. She had produced some Michael Angelo strokes on her cheeks with Venetian red and chalk; on her head jauntily rested a coal- scuttle concern my mother used to call a “Shaker.” Oh! ye dudes, how you must envy me! Me, who was about to escort this gushing dudine ‘‘ter meetin’!” Arrived at the church all eyes were turned upon me, and I fear for once the entire con- THE JUDGE. Mrs. INGor (to prospective No. are you looking out there?” Proresson (much agitated)—— grogetion neglected the salvation of their souls to satisfy their open-mouthed curiosity. ‘The parson, having e Juliana introduced me. “Ah, Mr. Dear,” he pied me, approached; aid with a sancti- ‘The acoustics of the edifice were not_per- fect, ‘A glass?” I said, ‘‘certainly, I never refuse that sort o’ offer. A little sugar, please.” *T'mean a class of boys. I replied that I was very much of Bob Ingersoll’s opinion, as far ‘us religion concerned, but all’ my excuses availed me naught, and I was forced to stand before a number of shock-headed youngsters and interpret ‘‘the word.” I need not remark that this was a novel situation for me, and as I noticed that all ears were opened to hear me elucidate, and the parson’s word fell upon sterile soil, my embarrassment became greater and greater. I read the lesson. “And when they arrived at the pine- apple—” “What!” cried the parson, “‘pine-apple! pinacle, you mean.” “No, sir,” I replied, my embarrassment being complete. **No; how do you know that Eve didn’t gobble up a lot of juicy pine- apples when ——” “Oh, oh!” cried the parson; scoffer! a wolf in sheep’s clothing! out, put him out!” But before this threat was put into execu- tion, I had dashed over a lot of chairs, upset a bevy of ancient spinsters, and reached the door. On the other side of a cornfield I saw a freight train, and I made a rush for the caboose, followed by tne entire congregation who shouted with indignation and their @sopbagi. ‘The train started and I was saved from the wrath of the outraged Smith Centerers. what! a Put him A CHEERFUL )—"“1 am : | Let me show you the urns containing the ashes of my former husbands, Professor. monious smile, ‘how happy Iam to see you | amongst my floc! I am sure you will oblige me by taking a class?” | been unfair] PROSPEC rejoiced that you advocate cremation. Why Oh, is there—is there no fire-escape on this building?” Ah, Juliana, me lass! your ‘* grandmam ” as a prophetess was not a succe: I'm wor- rying along without your ey s beacon lights, without your form, producing partial paralysis and spinal meningitis, without our hearts beating as one, and without your hands to smoothe my pillow, spoil the hash, and spanking our babies with shingles and thin; But you, me Juliana, no doubt art married and making slap-jacks and pap for a brood of your own, wiping their noses—ah, me emotions suffocate me!” No more S’Missouri summer-resorts in mine, pleas Gronge Dear. *** Live and let live’ is my motto,” was the mufiled remark of the whole-souled Philadelphia gastronome—as the live oyster- crabs were wriggling in his mouth, Henpricks complains of having ly beaten eight years ago. ‘The worthy old gentleman will Jiave no cause for that complaint this time. — He will be the most fairly walloped individual who ever ran for an office. Mr. Satp the eloquent orator for the encourage- ment of the young struggler: ‘*he had no- body to give him a start, yet rose rapidly by his own unaided efforts.” This must hate been the famous engineer who was hoisted by his own petard. Inpvustiovs base-ball men can earn ten thousand and upwards, a year. Hear that, young country idler? Forsake the enticin; plow. Throw down the alluring shovel an the enchanting hoe. Give up the sedactive cart, the attractive wheelbarrow, and the tempting hay-fork. Renounceall these lures and gawds, and go into the base-ball indus- try in earnest. comicbooks.com