Judge — August 23, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

{ THE JUDGE. My Neighbors. Food peop t ‘To mind their own affairs, —Ou & I nave one neighbor that always quarrels with all the rest. Mrs. Bailey Bickering is her name. She never quarrels with m why she don’t, but she alw: omes to tell me the history of her quarrels with the other neighbors. She has just been in now to tell me the story of her last battle. We have a new neighbor just come, a M Carmine. The Bickerings were not sure if they would call, until some one said she was related to the Carmines of Cartown. Then Mrs. Bickering had out the carriage with the Bickering bears rampant on the panels, and both men servants on the box with the Bickering bears rampant on all their buttons. She put on her new pea-green pompadour satin, and a brand new bonnet, and went in full splendor to call on Mrs. Carmine, but she was not at home. So the magnificent John Thomas presented the waitress with two cards, bearing respectively the names of Mr. Bartholomew Bail Bickering, and Mrs. Bartholomew Bailey Bickering. So far good, but the Bickerings don’t call on every one, they are very exclusive. ‘They are an old family. [ believe it is true that there were Bickerings in Noah’s ark. I am sure there never were three sons and their wives there together without something of the kind, The Bickerings were proud of their family, an and when they learned that our ne hbor was not connected with the Car- mines of Cartown, or with any one else worth knowing, they began to think they had been a little previous, and they half wished the hadn’t called, but Mrs. Bickering was equ to the emergenc Did ever an emergency arise that she not equal to? She took her pen in hand, and wrote as follo' I don’t know Irs. Bartholomew F npliments to Mrs. Cai 1 her call yest ily Bickering pr \ ay having been made under an regarding Mrs. Carmine's fami. nts her nine, to say, th erroncons i ly, she will feel oblig she left yesterday I by the return of the cards Mrs. a peppery and has 8 1 opinion of herself Mr. Carmine, that she has the presumption to think that they are as good, and better than the Bickerings, though they have no mpant bears. So her reply was not couched in terms that tend to smooth matters be- tween her and her big neighbors. It ran as follows: “Mrs. Carmine regrets that shi Mrs. Bartholomew Baily Bickering’s cards, most unfortunate can not return but she referred last night to her ting list, and, not seei such name Mrs. Bickering showed me the note and sat all afternoon with me abusing the Carmines. She went just as near swearing as so great a lady could. She raised up her head, inflated her bust, and walked up and down my little room, lifting her feet verv high. When she left it was too late for me to call on the Carmines, a duty I do not mean to neglect. I respect Mrs. Carmine. She had snubbed the neighbor who snubbs every one else. Mrs. Bickering scorns us all as no | the de <o° wot DO __ MAR p marie a eneceur 2 Cuntis—** Oh, my prophetic soul. one but herself could. If I get a new gown it is the study of my life to try to conceal from Mrs. Bickering how much I paid for it. She don’t like any of my servants, She don’t approve of my living alone. She don’t think that I manage my income well. — She don’t think I have my rooms nicely arranged. She don’t like the stores I deal at, or the set of People Igo amongst. But the roughest time I have with her is when my little nephews and nieces come to spend their holi- days with me. Old maid, as I am, they love to'come to me, and are always, I think, good and happy with me. Mrs. Blokering never was a mother her- self, but for that reason she thinks she knows more about children than any one else. She has a em about children, I have none. I only want them to have a good time. She has theories about their diet, diseases, tem- pers, deportment, disposition, education, and I don’t know what else besides. She wants to have them fed with the Bickering food, kept to the Bickering hours, play the Bickering games, be dosed with the Bicker- ing physic, and chastised with the Bickering rod. “T don’t like Mrs, Bickering, Auntie,” said my little Violet one day. ‘She is like il “Oh! fie Violet,” I replied, “you must not say that.” “But she is, Auntie. I think she goes about like a roaring lion, secking whom she may devour.” But Violet was not ever good when Mrs. Bickering was by. That lady undertook to lecture her one day, and told her no one loved naughty children. But Violet was quite unabashed, and told her that she knew one person that loved naughty children, and that one was the devil. Mrs. Bickering is always very particular to be given her proper place, and due pre- cedence in going down to dinner, etc. She My old employer Fletcher Harper. is one of those people who always have a grievance, I think she would rather do with- out her dinner than without her grievance, but all the same she is very fond of her din- ner, and if a dish to which she is not partial, chances to come to table, she glares at her 3 a personal solemn undertaking to ask the Bickerings to dinner. I did it once, and I never dared to do it again. Mrs. Bickering was ‘‘cuts” with Mr. Vellum, whom I asked to hand her down. Ie offered his arm. She refused to move. Every one else was waiting. I asked in despair, ‘* Who will you have?” ° “Mr. Bently,” she replied, after a swift F ‘ound the room. I made the re- angement, and took Mr. Vellum myself, and tried to soothe his lamated feel- ings. ‘Ie is an elderly man, who looks as if he had had a surprise early in life, and had gone about in a state of astonishment ever ce, ILis eyes are always very wide open, d hié’month vou ly stands ajar. What little hair he has, is usually very erect on the top of a little head as round as a ball. How surprised he did look that evening. Ie did not know he was to be cut, and thought Mrs. Bickering had suddenly taken leave of her senses. She didn’t like my wine, and took pains to tell me so. She sent out for her own John Thomas, with the bears on, to attend on her, as female waiters fussed her, she said. She wondered how any one could eat a morsel in such a pokey little room, and asked me how I could dress a salad with such oil? She said her cook would give me a lesson in my jellies and creams, and that I would really find it an economy, in the long run, to get my ice from a really respectable place. I was so mortified that [ couldn’t sing after dinner, Though I had practiced the ‘* Clang