Judge — August 16, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Musical Miseries. A SHARP NOTE. aid, was young,” I wonder whether people sung Those patriotic airs, (or squalls) That emanate from music halls; I wonder if the German band Then blew, unchecked, about the land, And whether organ-grinders then, Annoyed the brethren of the pen. “When music, heavenly “When mus heavenly was young,” 1 wonder if our nation clung To ballads of the sickly school, And whether niggers were the rule, Now Avon's bard was up in arms “Gainst those who loved not music’s charms, I wonder if he ever tried To write when organs were outside Since “ music, heavenly maid, was young,” She must have cast her lot among ‘The married folks! and these we hear, Her noisy offspring are, I fear. I wish they would reduce, by gum! Their minims to a minimum; Bah! Music has become too bold, 's quite a nuisance now, she’s old. My Neighbors. Part L asters, my good friends, mine honest neighbors, will you undo yourselves? "—Macteth T ax sure there never was a human being so surfeited with neigbors as I have been, and they come to me at every crisis in my own career or in theirs, “Undo themselves?” I should think they do, or else some one else undoes them, At any rate they very often come undone. ‘Then, as to writing of neighbors asa class, ou can’t do it. Why, I have them good, bad, and totally indifferent, old and young, fashionable and frumpish, handsome and ugly, intelligent and idiotic, eccentric and commonplace. Bless you, [ know them all, but I am a qniet, easy-going old body. I go through them all with my eyes open and my mouth shut, and perhaps [see and hear as much and more than half the brilliant people I butthey don’t think so. I try toknow yself, but I never want to introduce a friend. Now there aro the Jenkins family. are my nearest neighbors and greatest per- secutors, I have the good or bad fortune to live alone, so I am a fair mark for every- body’s pity and philanthropy. “Poor thing,” they say, ‘ 5 herself, it’s only kind to ask her to join us The Jenkins family are always ‘9 join them, and more than that, they are always quite equal to enforcing their requests. ‘They, one and all, belong to that awful clazs of people, “who will take no denial.” If the Jenkins decree goes forth that on a certain evening, at a certain hour, you are to dine with them, make you come, dead or alive. Cold, heat, sickness, previous engagements, family afllic- tions, press of business—vain excuses, I have pleaded them all a thousand times, but only to prove how futile they were. I never remonstrate now. I go—submit, it is my fate. The Jenkins family are four in num- ber—father, mother, son, and daughter. Father Jenkins has the gout, a villainous temper, a laugh like a hywna in hysteric and a very long sum to his credit at his They aes Democratic CANVAssEs Native—‘ That is Punkville.” D. C.—" How's politics there? Native—‘ Everybody solid for D, C.(with delight)—** You don't say so, Native—* Two—me and dad.” bankers. Mother Jenkins has diamond: domestics on the brain. She is alwa ing out some awful conspiracy amongst her servants, engaging angels to wait on her, and discovering after a week or so, that the are—well, nof angels, Miss Jenkins has mission, I don’t know what it but she distributes tracts, and asks every one she meets, ‘In what state is their soul?” One poung man told her he believed “his was in the State of New York.” She responded angrily that his frivolity would lead him to a far worse ) but it caused her to change her inquiry for the future, and substitute the words: ‘ How poor soul?” “Very tired and tender, and covered with corns,” said a youth just returned from a walking match. She used to go about the street, too, and distribute her tracts in that way. She made made me go with her once, but I never, never was caught so again. She met my old friend Mrs. Godly, who leads the temperance movement. I will do Miss Jenkins the jus- tice to suy she had not the faintest idea of her identity when she presented her with a favorite tract entitled, ‘* You were drunk last Sunday.” Master John Jenkins, otherwise Jakey, was the son and heir. He was. pale, white- haired, lankey youth, with only one idea, and that one was most generally astray. He dabbled in almost everything in turn. He took up sentiment once and did me the honor of falling in love with me. It w very trying, while it lasted. Mother Jen! showed me all the family diamonds, and enlarged on the troubles of housekeeping, and the awful way that the butler fought and find- Cleveland and Hendrick immortal | is your | ‘What place is that down there?” How many voters have you?” | with the cook and flirted with the house- maid. How the-page boy inscribed— ‘Peter Piper is m nd with my pen I write the sane, ‘The pen is bad and so is I, name, L hope to mend before I die. on her newly painted front door. How the lJaundress never did Jakey’s shirts to his mind, and how she hoped and trusted we would be happy. Father Jenkins kept me dining incessantly and drinking unlimited champagne, and laughing himself—poor man—to the verge of an attack of Miss Jenkins presented me with * an find a virtu- ous woman?” bound in’ wsthet reen cloth with gilt sun-flowers on the bac! I felt they would *‘* positively take no denial,” and already began to fear my fate was sealed and that nolens volens L would be made Mrs. Jakey Jenkins, but deliverance was at hand, Jakey took upa new idca, and, of course, dropped the old one. I was forgotten, He became high churchy, was ordained, took a vow of celibacy, and wrote to release me | from a promise, that, I can safely aftirm, I never made. ‘His family pitied me, and actually let me alone for a whole week. Then they began to invite me again, and “take no denials,” if I tried to refuse, it was that I had not strength of mind to meet Jakey. | ‘Poor soul! she feels it sadly, but with his principles John never could have married her. Besides age, quite unsuitable—poor, | dear boy would have sacrificed himself.” and | so on; these were the stage asides I con- stantly heard at dinner parties and ‘at comicbooks.com oS