Judge — August 2, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. THE MAN WHO NEVER “LOSES HIS HEAD." THROWS THE PIANOFORTE Their appetites proclaimed no indi- exigencies of life were evi wore no other were absolutely tion of primitive de Juhana, who had been spe to administer to my wants a ked in tones mell fog-horn, full of aduet pathos— er, didjer want ry for the preserva », didjer wanter egg this alleged joke ed with the inost ing to smile, tears bedimmed 1 my lips felt as if I had been el “Purty good, don’tjer reckon?” anxious to have me exp ation of his pan—**eh, isn’t it That ‘ere joke er mine, hey?” “What joke?” I “What joke! see,” I replied; “eggs-traor- I had no sooner committed this henious crime than I felt as mean and degraded as the captain of the Pinafore; and the roof was raised at least two inche: ble impetus of the storm ema by the irresisti- ating from a se “pap” rolled himself on the chic THE HOUSE AFIRE. THE WINDOW AND CARRIES THE FEATHER BED DOWN THE STAIRS, floor, the ran’mam ” threatened to! nip bush and an ancient stalk of Indian | into convulsive hysterics, while her) corn, My attention was now attracted to humerous satelitious progeny were writhing | the * luxuriant arbustum ”—ye gods! a sour | in a promiscuous conglomeration in acorner, | apple-tree struck by lightning careened in emitti uch uproarous screeches of raptur- | melancholy solitude ad the nitive and | ous mirth and hilarity that reminded me of | vivific eucalyptus globulus” was only con- | of a Democratic caucus in Kansas. Midst | epicuous b ence, ” all this deafening cachination I thought I But the **s g, translucent brook ” I suished the braying of a mule, but, on) should probably never have discovered it, in the direction from whence the | had I not that morning eut several trans- sounds emanated, I beheld *gran’pap” | verse slits into my foot-gear of the ** tooth- swaying to and fro and most industriously | pick’ order, to éase a rebellious corn situ- producing those asinine tones. | ated on the nor‘nor’east corner of my dex- Had I been guilty of so a tral pedal extremity. was fortunately outrageous a pun in New York T should | lucky. Becoming conscious of a mysterious, surcly have been proclaimed a bore, but out | Spontancous irrigation in that interesting {here in the deestrics” 1 was immediately | region of my tomy, I carefully scrutin- transformed into a lion! ~ | ized the soil and discovered the * brook; L treated the egg with all the retinement | it astonished me, for it had a decided | possible, which was a decided innovation at | tobacco-juice hue and and an odorifer that bonrd, for one and all watched mo in| ness ammonical and slightly emphreumati- mute astonishment, ‘The “pap” tried to| cal. — I failed to discover the source of this follow my example, but failed most igno-| wonderful stream, but filled a small vial || miniously when he endeavored to scoop the | with the fluid; the chemist who made a || egg from the eup with the blade of his | careful analysis of it in hopes of finding some Knife! I expected him to cut his throat on | valuable and until now unknown chemical several occasions, but fortunately we were | or remedial properties, do that ammonia saved from witnessing that sanguinary per- | predominated, and expressed his opinion formance. that as tilizer it was par excellence. I left the table, and, stepping from the | While searchi the soure porch, I found myself on the “lawn of ex- | terious “piscatorial appurter quisite viridity.” On inspection I found its| torial nature being represented b: constituents to consist of a tangled labyrinth | tadpoles—I of smartweed, fire-plant, radish, dog- | cilities for the stabal a fennel, dandelion, skunk-cabbage, and | nine solipods;” this grand monument of “hogs’-ears;” the latter produced the “ex- | modern architecture was constructed with quisite viridity.” StroMing towards the four posts, surmounted by a mildewed straw majestic arboretum,” I found that to con- | roof, perforated as liberally as a porous sist of twocrooked sun-flower stalks, acat-! p aster. comicbooks.conr