Judge — July 26, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

alone on the riilway platform at Smith’s Centre, watching the train disap, behind acorn field, A boy with a brimless hat and a celibate suspender directed me to Smith’s Corner, and, following the lane indicated, I soon found myself at the “ rural mansion ” or rather, the zig-zag rail fence surrounding that alleged magnificent, rustic edifice. J found, after a diligent search, that there was no gate by which to enter the ‘luxuri- ant arbustum,” and was about to roll a large stone against the fence, to enable me to climb over into the *‘lawn of the most exquisite vividity,” when a voice that sounded like a cross between acracked cow-bell and a flail in active motion, produced such for- midable atmospheric vibrations that threat- ened total destruction to my ¢ympana, it cried again, “didjer wanter get in heah?” “y I replied, speculating on the sex of the person to whom the wonderful voice belonged. ‘+ Yes, if you will please show me to the gate.” “Gate!” the voice roared with such vehe- mence that five distinct echoes repeaten “ ate, ate, ate, ate, ate. Jehosaphat! can’tjer get in wi’ out er gate? try this. And as I recovered from the firm conviction that a cyclone, accompanied by terrific thun- der and lightning. had struck the vicinity, a bouncing, buxom lass stood before my e! It then dawned upon my bewildered s that what I had taken for a cyclone was only the atmospheric commotion pro- duced by her summersault over the eight- bar fence, and the lightning I saw, only a momentary display of white goods which rivalled that of Macy’s Fait! She smiled broadly at my amazement. “Why dont’jer foller suit, eh?” she asked, but before I could articulate my excuses, she anticipated my reasons, and said, “oh, yes, I ketch on, it’s yer pants!” I we: shioned ‘‘ dude” garments. Lexpressed my admiration of her tact and lightning conception. “Gimme your paw, an’ Pll help to boost yer over.” My tailor is a shrewd business man and endowed with almost supernatural prognos- tication. In his shop, ina very conspicuous place, hangs a sign; it reads thu: There'll be trout Who, upon in store for him, I say, livery, does not pay Thad promised to pay ‘next time,” and his prognostication was {tly fulfilled, for, after reaching the other side of the fence, I found it necessary, in order to retain my re- spectability, to wear my coat in an abnormal region! I waived an’ introduction to the household, who occupied every door and window tocatch a glimpse of the “city-chap,” and took immediate possession of the appart- ment assigned to me by my first acquaint- ance. But, on proceeding up stairs, I heard some one whisper: ‘‘that! why that ‘ere’s the latest style er coat, neow I tell year!” Fortunately Zack soon brought my trunk and shortly thereafter I appeared in the dining-room — “the wmiacvell oft smodere times.” I wore—but never mind what I wore, for | was sadly embarrassed by their undisguised wonder and argus-eyed scrutiny; every individual article of my fashionable attire was admired with the question as to its probable cost—will it wear—will it wash —is it all wool—is it a yard wide, unmistak- ably depicted on their “unsophisticated and unscoured countenances. ‘There happened a remarkable coincidence —my scarf and the eldest daughter’s sash THE JUDGE. INJURED ngrily) —** » maan; 1 was in Indeed, who was it?” Myself.” INNOCENTS. You have been in the water! the water, but 1 You were fishing!” got a boy out who might have were of the same pattern of material! This remained the standing joke of the week. Grandmother, with a frilled cap, remarked that this coincidence was but another proof of the inalterability and irresistability of fate; and to prove that kindred spirits invariably drift toward each other, she quoted:— «There never live a goose But some dh An honest g ‘And claimed her for his 1 All assembled regarded her with silent awe—an awe that the Olympian oracles might envy—and Juliana blushed. (Zo be continued.) GEORGE DEAR. The Electric Light. Berore the introduction of the pine-knot and tallow-candle, by the daring civil-serv- ice reformers of the dark ages, this must have been a cold and dreary world of a long winter’s night, and if the patriarchs were half as scared of the dark as are some of the modern belles, which are not dumb, it is no longer any wonder that they slept with their forefathers. When the electric light made its debut at O’Flanigan’s ball, many high and honorable members of the human race were fearful that, in accordance with the loud predictions of its enthusiastic champions, who wanted to hang their wives upon our outer walls and chimnies and cut up Jack generally, there would be such an overwhelming blaze of light, that darkness would no longer be | visible except in Africa and in the back | counties of civilization, and that the poor gas companies would all be forced to hang their harps upon the pump handle, and sell their pipes for old iron, Some were also afraid, that sleeping would become one of the lost arts, except perhaps to those adven- turous spirits, who can sleep in church and anywhere else, and that we would be obliged to sit up all night and ‘go home with the girls in the morning.” Some were also fearful that the everlasting spring chick- en would not know when to go to roost, and like the setting hen, never grow fat. It was prophesied that it would put moon-light in the shade, and that it would knock the spots out of daylight, after giving it a few points. But notwithstanding the marvelous fact that the electric light has burst upon us like a comet of a hundred horse-power, and although the “electrum light,” as the col- ored citizens call it, has come to st nd brought its knitting, so to speak, most of us I burn the midnight kerosene and “ sleep like a top” is supposed to sleep, while the same dogs still howl at the same moon, and also at the electric light between times, and the respected citizen, as he wraps the drapery of the mosquito net around him, would give his kingdom and his small change for a boot- jack or shot gun. But before the electric light can become a brilliant success and not a burning shame, and occupy a reserved seat on the esteem’ of all law abiding people, there must, in its bright lexicon, be no such word as fizzle. After the ‘Robins nest again” a few times, we suppose that the electric light will be put up in cans like the sweet sugur house corn, and the grocer will keep it on draught, and the hucksters will hawk it about the streets, and if the tariff reformers do nct put too much protection upon it, it will become one of the necessities of life; and the babies will ery for it e night and everybody will wonder how under the sun the world got along without it, comicbooks.com