Judge — July 19, 1884 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

14 THE JUDGE. AN Austin youth, whose income is not quite as extensive as that of Vanderbilt's, got a large ink spot on his c He asked a friend how the stain could be removed, “You get a chemical preparation for twenty-five cents. Just soak the spot with it, and it will come out.” I guess $I had better s the whole . Tecan get four dollars by soaking the coat.”"—Tezas Siftings. Getting Mixed. A GERMAN was recently asked to repeat the following extract from the Bible ** An angel came down from Heaven and took a live coal from off the altar, He attempted to do so, and this terpretation of it : “An injun comed down from New Haven ont, und dook a life colt by der tail of his breeches, und jerked him his collar out.” — Pretzel’s’ Weekly. 3 his in- Good Enough for Boarders. A RaTHeR stout gentleman of Irish ex- traction was slowly walking through the market this morning with a basket on his arm. Oncoming to a stall where a large owl was perched on a bar he stopped, and after inspecting it for a few minutes with a troubled expression on his countenance his face lit up, and with a patronizing air he inguired: “tow much do yer want fur yer broad- faced goosi With a very audible grin the proprietor said: That’s no goose; it’s an owl.” The would-be-customer evidently under- stood him to say that the bird was old, for in a positive tone he said: “Oi don’t care how ould it enough fur the boardthers.” Journal, it’s good Evening The Revolution and the Ticket Agent. A very much excited Revolution rushed up to the ticket-oflice window. “Give me a ticket.” “Where to “ Tha’ 3 a pretty “Well, how do I uestion to ask.” know where you want “Why, counfound your stupidity, don’t you see I’m a Revolution?” “Yes, I do; but how do I know whether you want to go to Mexico or to Cuba.” “Ah, well, excuse me; I hadn’t thought of th Well, give me the ticket to Mexico: I ve just come from Cuba.”—Chicago Nei Thoughtless Mourners. Wisconsin, friends of a seven-foot corpse tried to crowd it into a six-foot coffin, and finding they Oct in the other day, the couldn’t do it sawed the legs off. The neighbors were about to mob the mourners for this method of making a fit, but what right they had todo itis not understood, It certainly wouldn’t do to carry the body tothe grave with the feet hanging out of the end of the coffin, and a Wisconsin foot is not built on a model to double up in any- thing except a ten-acre lot. The saw was handy, there was too much foot, and why not—but why didn’t they think of a new coffin?—Merchant Traveller. ‘A womaN has recently patented. pe. What we most need in this r of our Lord is a man escape. Some woman patent one ?—Chicago If the Republican party can’t get into the White House with a “Jimmie” and a “Jack” it will be, indeed, time that it re- tire from politics. Cincinnati Merchant- Traveler. “Yes,” said the broken down merchant, “T think I have been too fond of drink, but I can’t say that I’m pleased with this last beverage—sheriff’s ale,"—Cincinnati: Satur- day Night. fire leap Will “ Tfow will my love come back to me asks a poetess, Well, it is a mighty hard question to answer in these trying times of & presidential campaign. Ie may come back all right, and then again he may not. You stand a good chance to win either way you bet.—Peck’s Sun. Derine a thunder shower the other night a country commissioner's house was struck by lightning, and while the electric fluid passing in close proximity to the doughty commissioner, he was heard to frantically exclaim: ‘‘Hold on. I'll. re- store it all to a cent.”—Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. “Your paper for the past week has been better than usual,” remarked a subscriber to an editor, ‘* W is the cause?” “ You must be mistaken,” the editor replied. have been ill for the past few da “Ah, that explains it. I knew th thing was the matter.”—Carl Weekly. “Tp you don’t see what you want, it,” is the sign displayed over the bar ina Bradford saloon, And when a man went in and asked payment on a bill that had been ranning for six months he was run ont the front door. He is now of the opinion that saloon keepers are not consistent.—Brad- ford Mail. Ata party a few evenings ago, when the ladies and gentlemen were telling what they would like best, one young lady remarked she would prefer being an opportunity. She was asked: “Why?” by many, and naively replied, “Because the young’ men are so fond of embracing an opportunity.”—Fall River Advance. A country postmaster had an heir born at oneo’clock,a.m. Heafterward remarked to a friend, who was congratulating him, that it was the earliest male he had ever re- ceived, at the same time opening the baby’s mouth. U pon this the friend replied “You ought not to tamper with the mails in that way.”—Boston Times. tt some- Pretzel’s Wry is it that a man, whenever he p a broom lying in the front hallway, always stands stock still and shouts until he is blac in the fuce for the chambermaid to come and | pick it up, instead of picking it up and | placing it where it belongs? But, then, some men have good reason to be afraid of broomstick, however fallen its condition. Chicago Sun. Mr. H.—T most humbly beg your par- don, my dear madam, You have the ad- vantage of me. Although your face is very familiar, I cannot quite place you. Where was it we met?” Mrs. B.—‘* When the | focus of the mental vision, and—” Mr. H. —‘‘ Oh! now I know; we met in Boston.”— Cincinnati Saturday ‘Night. ask for | | vista of recollection is brought within the | Fitted for a Lawyer. The other day a woman attired in bucolic garments, evidently fresh from the ‘* rural districts,” and having a small boy by the hand, entered the office of a prominent law- yer of this city and exclaimed in a business like manner : replied the disciple of Coke and “The lawyer? soYeu,?? ‘Well, this boy is my youngest son, Absalam, and I hey concluded ter make a lawyer out o’ him. My other three are to become farmers but this feller is just fitted for a lawyer an’ so L thought I would bring him to you. “Why, he looks too young to study law, adam. low old i is he?” * Jest seven. ‘Too young, madam, too young. But why do you consider this one more fitted fora lawyer than your jother sons? ** Waal, you see, sir,” answered the woman giving her offspring a grim look, ‘this boy is now jest seven years old, When he was only five he would lie faster than a horse could trot. When he was six he would cheat a blind man out of a cent, and now at the age of seven he will will steal everything he can lay his hands on! The Fault of the Age. A porm by E Wheelet, called “The Fault of the Age,” has been confronting us in our exchanges pretty numerously late ‘lla may be a pretty good poetess, but as fault-finder she don’t amount to shucks, The fault of the age is not so much, as she sugyests, ‘*a mad endeavor,” as the fact that we are all older just now than we ever were before, and a great many of us (nothing per- sonal, Ella) are buying teeth and hair and things to con “the fuult of the age, and we don’t thank Ella for calling attention to the fact, either, On the first birthday of a Chinese male infant he is seated in a large siove with money scales, a foot measure, a pair of shears, a brass mirror, a pencil, ink and hook, and other articles arranged in a circle around him. The object which he handles first is a sure prophecy of his future occu- pation. If such a custom obtains in Ger- many we should say that the first thing Bismark ever did was to kick over a piece of American pork and grab a beer mug. And | if a similar custom prevails in Italy the ma- jority of the male infants of noble birth seize a hand organ and a monkey.—Norris- town Herald. Columbia Bicycles THE POPULAR STEEDS OF TODAY. Send Scent stamp for Mlastrated Catalogue THE POPE MANUFACTURING CO., S71 Washington St, Boston, Mass, Branch House, 12 Warren street, New York PENNYROYAL CHICHESTYR CHEMICAL Co, 2818 Madison Square, Philadelphia, Pa. comicbooks.com