Judge — July 19, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Mrs. O'T. moind wander! (i nivir ight befor ivir reac a answerit Ur. OT, I afther telling ye whin ye interrupted me wid yer bad man- ners an want ov since. Ile’s the false pice and ther divil combined. yOtwiX pol Mrs. OT” him false Mr, OT, ther out ich, . the loighter ov yer heal pits of hair, ther tupid-loike it 2 Will afther telling Taxed, or will ye lit me me moind that it’s little ye know insoide. yees be false, don’t ye see, Brid- y ov ther tallest hair ov his » of his Lwig ov false wool he decorates his bald skull wid, an its false teeth he ate childer wid—an its a howls to ther naybors t and its fals tongue. Do ye ur i luck to yer “JT do. Ajipshuns ay his rigimint makes wid a hand now, Mrs. “Killing ’em, thanks be ter Mrs. fur n't live, an may Iivin make allowan yer deplorable stupidity this momint.” Mrs, OT. ** An did he ate up ther chil- lave ther parints ter starve fur want ov nour addy? ‘Tell me that! Mr. € “He did thatsame thing, Brid- get, but he did it wid ther horrors ov war. It’s little he lift ov ther settlemint but ther ould tomato cans, and the ould shoes an mother-in-law 1 big foighter he is an cut ther Ajipshuns into sich shmall bits that ther British officers found they had nuthin’ but a dessicated rigimint ov human hash ter back ’em up, so they immediately ordered thimsilves back ter Alexandry, an sinta tile- gram to ther Queen informing her royal riverince that they had arrived safe, widout | loss of toime an widout enny army to impede asterly retrate. It’s waiting there y be fur crosses of honor an more What was what f ‘Ther pay in advance, shure, “Fur bating ther false prophet, n't ye jist afther telling an oflicers bate him by a few They rached Alexandry in toime a birds eye view of him walking ther British moiles. ter tal back. rs. OT. “* Wasit Mr. Baker who walked Mr. OT. “Giniril Baker yer mane an divila fu he walk.” Mrs. O'T. “An what is ther foighting all about, cnny way, Padd Mr. OT. © Mowly sh to yees, is it axir question as that afther me r ng me moind ter explain what the diplomats call the great’ problem ke! an ich a donned trustees meeting. ov the Eastern wurruld? Well, well, Mrs O'Toole, its yer noight cap yecs had bett. be locating, fur its no more wurruds ov wi dom will I lit escape me lips from this ou It’s like throwing gum drops to a yaller dog!” F. 8. BINDER, Rebecca at the Well. Josernvs says (Lib. 1, |p. XVI), that Ab am resolved to taki cca, who was gran ghter to his brother Nahor, for a wife to his son Isaac. But the ancient his- torian omits several very important part lars concerning this primitive match-ma affair, Let me elucidate: Now, old man Nahor, who had been a bloated monopolist (without the motto: ‘the public be —,” ete.) in Haran, was pretty well fixed, and when he died he divided his government bonds—Suez, and Eastern Union stock—equally between his grandson Laban and grand-daughter Rebecca. Laban went into the hotel business, and Rebecca alter- nately punished the harp and mixed drinks for the dudes, when there was a_ political convention or base ball game in town. Therefore it was that oid man Abe, who had been a ‘‘lamb” on Fence street, grains, | pork, e thought it would be a good scheme if his son marry the shekelful Rebecca, and afterward help his dad out of the financial mud-puddle. So, loading up his ancient servant, who s Mrs. Boggs’ ingenious scheme to ascertain the hour of Boggs’ arrival home from the gave him the strongest assurance of fidelity (and apropos, who had never been a ban hier), withan assortment of ps ke-poison,” paste-diamonds, and snide jewelry, with which to bribe the servants at Mr. Laban’s hotel, he sent him through | Mesopotam to Haran to betroth Miss | Rebecca. Now, this country, Mesopotamia, | was infested by a sort o’ Jesse James gang, and before he had traveled many days, he 1 and relieved of his entire stock of pre + not even excepting his | cough medicine;” but in their hurry (for they had an engagement ata place called Bluh-Kut) they forgot to take his ring, which was a wish-ring of great powers. When he finally arrived in the suburbs of Haran, where a picnic was in progres saw several young ladies slinging biehr for a couple of dudes with haunch-backed noses; the sight made him very d ing a solitary dyghme in hi bethought him of his wish-ring. Turning it three times, he wished that if Rebecca were among the fair slingers, she would step forward with bacchanalian stride and jinvite him to ‘‘take sumthin’;” but, it |seems, this was Rebecca’s day out, the charm would not work worth a cent, and the poor envoy was promptly handed over to “one of the finest ” and jugged. Tho next morning the judge severely reprimanded him, and commanded him to leave the town inside of two hours. This comicbooks.com