Judge — July 12, 1884 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. Why a Mormon Missionary Wanted to Reach Boston Quickly. “Give mea ticket for Boston. Quick!” excitedly exclaimed a wild-eyed man to the ticket agent at the Grand Central Depot. “What's your hurry, sir?” asked agent. * Oh, don’t ask me! explain!” ‘The train doesn’t leave for half an hour the I haven't time to yet. Ixn’t there one that lea “No, sir, Any friend of yours dying? Great Scott, no!” What's your hurry?” “Why, I’ve just read in this paper that there are 18,000 more women than men in Boston,” “Well, what of that?” = Why, you see, im a ary, and “Good morning shouted the slamming down the window. — Drake's eler’s Magazine. s right away Mormon mission- gent, Trav- Panic Times. S came tearing down Long- enue. Pam in his eye. a panicky bout his legs. In his hand a copy of the Chronicle-Smiler, Runs into a stock- holder in Undersea National Bank, to whom: “See here, mister; do you know what the papers are saying about your president? Disten to this: ‘In the present state of financial disaster, it must be a souree of un- mixed satisfaction to the people of this com- munity ty reflect that in the president of the Undersea National we have a gentlen whose character stands high, whose repu tion is without a spot, whose integrity is unquestioned.” vw what T want to know, is the Smiler’s sentiments on old G-smoothly corre oe Stock holder—* Perfectly correct, and—” “That settles it; why them’s the ve words the papers used on young Soaper just before he run off with the county fuils. | ‘This aint no time to stand round und fool Nine o'clock, sharp, ‘ill sev the Just cent of my deposit checked our of your concern, Why, thunderation, if [ wouldn't sooner ave a dynamite mine under a bank than such a doggoned dead beat as that for pre ident. “Patoen,” said airge of the para college magazine man, wasn’t he? “© Yes,” “He w wasn’t he "Yes, he was corpulent “Corpulence sounds big spelled with four letters, can't it? "; “No, it can’t. Have you lost all your senses?” —~—! “S5~— : Oh yes, itean. What's the matter with obet?” ‘The father will bring suit against the col- lege for dwarfing his son’s mind.—Arkan- saw Traveler. young man who had sh department of a Istall was avery fat what you might call corpulent, One advantage of living in Brooklyn in summer is that Coney Island is much nearer to the City of Churches than it is to New York. The people in East Brooklyn have ag pleasant a way of reaching the Island as any, namely, by the curs of the Brooklyn, Flatbush and Coney Island Railway, which they can take at Bedford avenue. It is a first-class road and commands its full share of summer travel. Their Various Methods. GosmooruLy ran off with the stamps, but didn’t drown himself—man of unblemished reputation, ** Yes; that’s of course.” Gosmoothly mysteriohsly disappeared and left no trace, or cush behind him—man of that’s of courser.” Goholy lighted out for Canada and took everything along but the deficit—great_phi- lanthropist. “Yes: that’s of coursest, but——” con- tinned this philos bserver of mankind, “what ents mo up all over, and is enough toshuke the rockiest faith in human nature, and bring salt tears into the cyes of a coco: nut, is the fact that my friend Captain zarde should, at his time of life, turn such « new leaf as this. In all the urs that I have known the Cap, he never ised horse race, or a chicken fight, or a pounding match: never backed out of a drink ore friendly game of poke: ae there was the least show of getting a chance to cheat; and alwaps carried the reputation of being a consistent every day loafer. Now that such a tried man like that should be guilty of looseness in money matsers is a sign that the times are so infernally out of joint, as my friend Stratford Williams would say, that we can’t hope to set ‘em right, not even if we should all of us mend our ways and acquire the dynamite habit.” “A FELLOW never loses anything by sym- pathizing with the distre: remarked Bass. ‘There was a chap I met out in the count year. Ife was actually suffer: i for fc . As luck would have it, 1 sthing to eat with me, and what as worse, T hadn't a cent in my pocket But I wanted te do something for him, and so L swapped jack-knives with him; and it turned out that 1 got a first-rate bargain. for my knife was a miserable old iron-bladed affair that wasn’t worth the wear and tear of a fellow’s pocket. I tell you a man never does a generous act but he gets rewarded for it in some way, sooner or later.”— Hos- ton Transcript. Orenaton—** What do you mean, Mr. Coupon, by treating meas you have? Broker—* Why what's the matter, my dear Mr. Lamb?” © Operater—* 1 told you 1 wanted to buy X.Y. & Z. preferred, and you must poutid down the price.” Broker— Yes.” Operator—* ‘And you gave me to understand that you would.” You eaid you'd bear it in mind. ~ But, instead of that, they tell me you have been doing all you could to talk itup.” Broker—* What of that? 1 only promised to bear itin mind, Whew it came to talk, you know, I naturally was on the bull side, as [ had a few thousand sha: I wanted to dispose of."— Boston Transcript. Born—* Why, hello, Die carrying an umbrella for? to rain.” Dick—“*I know it, but you see I am rather short of funds and have to keep on wearing my winter hat.” “But what hus that to do with carrying an umbrella!” Dick—*"'The umbrella gives people the impression that I thought it would rain and left my new straw hat home on purpose.”— Phila, Call. k, what are you It is not going THE corn crop—a crow’s Schoolboy Reminiscences. Is the literature class one day, the revita- tion w frequently interrupted by a blast from the nose of our pereeptor, who had a bad cold in her head, and in the midst of this we were required to give a quotation from ‘some living poet.’” stumbled through until it came to one fellow, who arose and hesitated a moment. then appar- ently inspired by a re: igh, which at that moment filled the . he recited the refrain from ‘Tennyson's © Gagle Call—” Blow, bugle, blow Let un Blow, buy! Dying, dyin Nving. Th's young ¢ the rooni by immediately left the *bugler.” nitlemen Invitation We had eggs for breakfast one n and the fellow who sat next to me had ery hard one, which he was hammering on parse stone ware plate, in a deavor to break. Looking uy solemnly recited Break, break, break On this cold gray st orning, vain ene and catching my eye, he ne, Oi see! (Holding out the still unbroken egg for in- spection, and then going on to finish the verse). And Twoutd that my t ‘The thoughts that arise in me He afterward said that he would try and utter these thoughts, only he didn’t want to be punished for using profane language. could utter Why He Never Married. “Twoxpen why Samuel J. Tilden never married 2" asked Mrs, Smith of ner hus- hand, “Did he never receive a leap-year proposal 2” “Oh, yes.” suid Mr. Smith. Mr. den has received numerous proposals.” «T wonder why he never accepted any of them, then 2” “Because, dear, said Mr, Smith, coolly, “they never Wd understand his letters, All of his Live letters were just like his last letter of declinat Til- uldn’t tell from the word- ing of his letter whether he meant te accept or whether he was giving a recipe to. make soup.”— Paris Beacon, Playing Politics. Jounxy Rov gave a backyard party the other di ley Smaliface was one of the honor 8. in fact, he was one of the aides-de-camp for the occa sion. Things didn't go just to suit hin, however, when supper was called, and the wrong fellow hought, was put at the head of the fhen he sulked off and nee.” are you going Wasn't everything fair pe Roundhead. “Ye. everything was fair, but I'm going to goand help Jimmy Tuilbov's gang to smash up ull your furniture.” —/artford Post. -WuHeN two green mnes tackle base ball the spectators laugh so much that they d too feeble to walk home, and the members of the nines are in the sume condition, al- though they den’t laugh so heartily as they have been Known to do.—Sustun Globe. DUEAD to do about it? aske comicbooks.com