Judge — July 12, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Oh; TL couldn't count ’en Boy.—* That's why [can’t count on.” Rough on Rats. “Have you any farmer in Yo “Certainly several kinds. at pizen?” asked an old 1's drug store, yesterday. said the clerk, ‘we have | Waal,” said the granger, © the pla | rats is "bout to carry my barn off, an’ I come || in hyar to get sumthin to drive ‘em away.” “Oh! that’s easy to do,” said a lonfer. “T drove about a thousand rats away from my barn, and you ean do it too, . “All night, stranger, how did vou do it?” “Well, I got a keg of beer and——” “Thunder! ye didn’t fool away enny beer drownin’ rats did ye?” | “No; E didn’t drown them. kog of beer in the barn and—” “Yo war afeerd the old woman drink it, eh? “No; 1 put it in the barn and—” “Put rat pizen in it, eh? Why, you durn fool, what made ye waste so much T put the would beer?” *+ Hold on, old man, I did nothing of the kind.” “ How in thunder did ye make that thar keg of beer kill them thar rats?” “Why, I gave it toa brass band to pla “Sweet Violets” in the haymow, and tl rats skipped out like our soldiers did at Bull Run! Give ita trial, my friend.” “No, I'll be danged ef I du, stranger! Pizen is good enough for rats an’ brass bunds. I'd ruther drink ther beer myselfan? skeer ‘em to death by letun’ ’em smell my breath.”—Paris Beacon. Tue report comes from Washington that Congress 1s not in favor of giving pensiot to all the relations of the soldier. ‘The com- mittee on pensions, it is understood, will draw the line at the step-mother-in-law. This is news that the public probably will read with pretty dry eyes, as the mother-in- law, even with u step to it, seems to be one of the most unpopular institutions in the country, but it is feared that the committee will carry the cheese-paring system of econ- omy which prevails at Washington so far as to leave the grandfathers of the revolutionary soldiers to shift for themselves, ConPrusion worse confounded—pi. A VERY GOOD REASON. “Why you harut canglt any, yon little wretch.” | cent THE JUDGE. The Men with tho Pig. A rew days ago two men, who were after- ward found to be Detroiters, arrived in town about fifty miles to the west of thi leading a pig. It was perhaps big enough and heavy enough to be called a hog, but they termed ita pig, and as they turned it over to the care of the landlord at whose inn they proposee to rest for the night, one of the men explained: ** Be awful careful with that pig fl a new breed just from i We've sold him to a farmer out here for #50 and we don't want anything to happen to him.” The landlord locked the pig up and then began to think and cogitate and suspe When the strangers had gone to bed called in some one of the boys and said: “Tve twigged the racket; them two fel- lows are sharpers, and that’s a guessing pig. ‘To-morrow they ‘will give you a chance to guess at his weight at ten cents a guess, and you'll be cleaned out—only you won't. 4 the fellows sleep we will weigh their pig and beat their game.” he Nobody slept until the pig was take over to the scales and weighed. He pulled down 170 pounds to a hair, and the villagers went home and hunted up their nic dreamed of pigs and scales and. sharpers through the remainder of the night. Next morning the pig was led around in front, and, before starting off on his jour- | ney, one of the owners remarked to the | assembled crowd: “Gentlemen, I’m going to weigh this pig directly. Maybe some of you would like to guess on his weight? I'll take all guesses at ten cents each, and whoever hits it gets fifty ‘his provoked a large and selected stock of winks and smiles, but no oue walked up | until the pig man sid that any one person | could guess us many times as he cared to, provided a dime accompanied euch gues, Then a rush set in. ‘Three or four mer- chants put up fifty guesses each. A justice of the peace took thirty, A lawyer said about twenty would do for him, Before there was any Jet up in the guessing ubout 600 had | been registered und paid for. Every soul | spokesman, # of ‘em guessed at 170 pounds. It was curi- ous what unanimity there was in the guess- ing, but the pig men didn’t seem to notice it. When all had been given a chance the pig was led to the scales, and lo! his weight was ex 174 pounds! “You see, gi whi 170 pounds along about 11 o'clock at nig we feed him about five pounds of corn in the morning before weighing! You for- got to take this matter into consideration ‘Then somebody kicked the landlord, and he kicked the justice, and the justice kicked a merchant, und when the pig men looked back from a distant hill the whole town out kicking itself and throwing empty wal- lets into the river. —Petroit Free Press. the ntlemen,” explained » this animal only weighs ht, Iron Steamboats to the Piers. Tue Steambe right commodation offered by the Iron t Company, and their’ exclusive wd at the Coney Islind and Lon Branch piers, are important considerations during the excursion. s The strict discipline maintained upon all the boats prevents any annoyance to ladies and chil- ason, dren, and the fleet’ of seven large steamers, by means of which extra boats may be run when required, gives i portation on any certainty of tran ind no inconvenience from crowds occasion. The advantage of large and pleasant waiting-rooms at West ‘Twenty-third street and Pier No. apprec ind the fre departure of the boats av at either end of the route, The early morn- ing boat from Long Branch will be pat on in-a few days, and tie commuters to Long Branch will arcive in the city by the Iron Steamboat by catly business hours. What He had Never Seen. Me was an old man, this room, he editor: “Tt your pa “wy lied the editor, « publishing. What is it? *Get Your pencil out. I never rede in a 1 isain, and Tam going on eighty 3 of age. nd as he entered remarked timidly to the you want something to print in if it’s worth All right,” said the editor, jotting it down, ‘that’s a good iter “Vnever saw a telephone.” “Ts that possible? pretty girl. ahead, “And 1 haven't hands for twenty y “Albright. keep on “Twas in my teens when I drank my last of wate “So was the man who writes the fanny agraphs for this paper,” remarked the ditor. ** Proceed.” “I never saw Pinafore, I never saw an open-back shirt, nor a game of base-ball, nor a white elephant, nor a cigarette, nor any fine-cut chewing tobacco, nor a dude, nor a wide-awake newspaper, nor a pug dog, r of low-cut shocs, nor a—” t Cesar, man?” interrupted the astonished editor, ‘twhere in the world have you lived all these seventy odd years?” And the old m: ed sadly, “InSt. Loui 1 azine. Go on. wished years, Stund a little further off and my face and Better 1s water-proof, but seldom air- tight. comicbooks.com