Judge — June 28, 1884 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Scrowagor’s Remarkability. ALATE number of the Dogtown Gripper contains a most interesting account of a rural phenomenon, the present Mr. Scrow- ager, remarkable, it seems, for many things, but chiefly for his great remarkability. ‘This account we have been kindly permitted to steal from the Gripper and send to Tue JvuoGe. MACKHOWLY, ANOTHER octogenarian has not passed Though dowward of seventy, he is hale and vigorous as many a man of three-score and ten. It ma profitable for readers to compare the simple, rustic habits of Mr. Scrowager with the swellish style in which most of us are living our lives Ex r example, he never smoked a cigar- factory, or a gas-pipe, and never chewed tobacco dealers. hie never ate a glass of beer, or drank a drop of poker. ver had his stockings shined on the street, or use boot-jack to take off his hat. "He never committed a suicide, and never bet on a mill-race. Ie never dunned a creditor, and was never on by a coroner. ‘Though he often went to see he never stood on a euchre deck, or boxed the ears of a compass. Ile never walked intoa procession, nor never spanked any of his grandfathers. He has lived all his life on the same planet, and never passed a night outside of the skin in which he was born. He never asked for a sickness and never refused one. He is fond of his joke, but never spoiled it by letting it have its own He is so careful of his words that is a matter of common belief that he er hurt the feelings of an Ohio politician, or called a blush to the cheek of a Chicago drummer. He is so frugal in diet that he carefully abstains from all animal food, such as hay, grass, oats, and swill— living chiefly on beef and pork. When he comes to town he seldom has anything for lunch but a little salt. and pepper flavored with oysters. When he cats corn-bread he avoids t! and husk. In eating apples he throws away the limbs and trunk of the tree—this he does on principle for he has never been troubled with a fit of digestion. He can fall’ asleep in the evening without being called, and can get soundly awake in the morning even when all the shutters are banging and all the cats from five miles around are fighting in the backyard. He is so robust that even in the coldest weather of last winter he never once wore an over- coat next the skin; and with the snow eighteen inches deep he has actually been known to go barefoot to bed. nat his present advanced age he can ride a horse almost bareback, when stripped to his shirt. His senses are so well preserved that he can still tell the date without looking at a watch, and has no occasion to carry a stem-winding almanac or to wear an observatory. In politics he has always been so consistent that he was never known to scratch a rail- road ticket; and never missed an election (except on one occasion when he ran for office). He goes in for pleasures, not men; and believes in putting the tight man in the tight place. Should he get mixed up in an election row, he scrupulously avoids the police, believing that on such occasions the officer should seek the man, not the man the officer. In the miscellaneous moral department his views are singularly level. ‘Though aman of peace he never backed intoa fight. He believes it wrong to spare the satan, and never loses THE JUDGE. Ny An wily Wenn 4h HIS EXCUSE FOR THE ACT. Prirst—“ Pat, 1 understand you are going to be married again.” DiscontenteD Wivower—‘ Vis, yer ri Prioest—* Bul your wife Discos Wivower— as she iver will be?” an opportunity of whipping him around the stump. He has great sympathy with the rich and is ever ready to relieve them of their lot. When appealed to for charitable help no man is quicker to put his hand in his pocket and to keep it there. No man probably (in proportion to his wealth) was reer so liberal in giving advice. Gambling with him is such a serious business that he takes no pleasure in it. On the temperance question his views have always been moderate and both-sided. Though he has_ never signed the pledge he is in favor of total absence when a collection is to be taken up. When asked to set it up he is not afraid to assert his temperance principl » When asked to take something he knows that to refuse would only add insult to thirst and never refuses accordingly. Mr. Scrowager’s art is always in the right place, but he never runs it into the ground; for example, though he has a decided taste for painting, he is never so absurd as to in- dulge his taste by licking the freshly painted | doors; and though he hasan excellent ear for | music he never uses it for whistling in | church, | To Mr. Scrowager’s strict observance of ! ence.” Pat, has only been dead two weeks.” “Vis, yer riv-rence; but shure ain't she as dead now the laws of health he owes much of his physical and mental vigor, no doubt, but it must not be forgotten that he comes of a long-lived-family—especially on his grand- mother-in- side. If the old lady had been born fifty years earlier and were living to-day, she would be not less than one-hun- dred and fifteen years old! Whether Mr. Scrowager will ever arrive at the age this venerable patriarchess might have vine’ depends of course on—on whether he g there, but be this as it may, he will neve fail to be remarkuble for his remarkability. MACKHOWLY. s r “ Soon the ball will of s, and we understand it is on the cards that if the old ticket should be put into the field, the ball will open with the « Copenhagen Waltz” —the ancient couple leading off. Tue time was—the man got ona bust and lost his balance. ‘Tne time is—the bank gets ona bust and the man loses his balance. Tne shabbiest dive of the lot—the Khe- dive. comicbooks.com