Judge — June 14, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. EFFECT OF Bippy.—** What are you doing wid the Par. closing may be their doors, there's a panic hlown away 1 don't know coming. and aged jokes about beating the carpet, and the shopkeeper you bought it of, and taking down the stove, and moving, and the other standard t es for spring humor in the cold, dark tomb of oblivion for another year. And then ye pri ional humorist sitteth down at his desk, and looketh as sad as though he had been nominated for office by ireenback party, and runneth his fingers hair, if he has any, and jotteth down bright, fresh jokes about the merry, merry summer tim: Firstly, he singeth a tender interlude to ye tropical organ-grinder, and remarketh that the child of sunny Italy is abroad in the land, chrough and breadth thereof, from N. City, and that the prevailin ar will be ** Baby Mine” inste ‘andfather’s Clock,” us heretofore. Then ye humorist sendeth ont for a fresh ream of paper and calleth upon his readers to hark to the soothing cantata of the velvet-coated ‘Thomasino cat, as he voiceth strange, sweet yearnings to his loved Marie on the wood- shed roof, and getteth bootjacked into eterni- ty the next moment with painful miscella- neousness. After that ye humorist uttereth a few upon opalescent July skies and freckle remedies. And then—he Clutcheth a brand-new subject by the back of the neck and jumpeth upon it with both feet, And announceth to the expectant public that the mosquito has awakened from the ny languor of his winter sleep and is ng poe the trail of the mountain tou- rist. And this openeth up the usual remark that it is a good time to visit your b: country-relations; all of which leadeth up to a fiendish dissertation upon summer retreats; and he whoopeth her up upon the boating and the fresh eggs and sweet wondereth why the eream should be speckled like unto the countenance of the % d with the sanguinary sun- bonnet and calico polonaise, who serveth i and he twittereth about the strawberries, and the grit which aboundeth thereon; and continueth on until he bas worked off the usual combinations of summer humor, while the guileless public looketh on with hope- less, habitual apathy, and wist not why it should be so, and hungereth for something more recent than the prevalent summer humor. “T'm going to close up the door. THE PANIC. Pat?” T hear all the big houses down town are Prof. Wiggins is right after all, and we hammer, (Ctreutar } Grand Theoretical and Impracticable Conservatory of Music. FACULTY. Gamut Wrestling Mapas De Baxoen athletic artiste is a hard hitter, and ient in all the newest methods of scaling, and punishing the key- and Piano Gymnastics. Tuts is profi boxin; board. “lassical, German pounding $2.00a round. Light and wsthetic note tossing, concert pitch, 50 cents an octave. Chord crashing, and trilling, by sleight of hand (new method) taught in half an hour. Voice Builder and Repairer. 8 OR ALLEGRETTO. This first class workman will engage to build a harmonious and serviceable voice in from three to six months, according to ma- terial and size. ‘Thus, a pleasing fireside voice (female) some two or three months; heavy and durable soprano for public use, some five or six months. Persons wi to have their voices‘modernized or re can have one, two and three stories added to their register, also foundations laid to any depth. Missing notes supplied at the rate of: Chest notes $10.00 a dozen, Head notes $8.00 a dozen. Broken or cracked mended with Cement.” voices satisfactorily Allegretto’s patent ‘ Voice Voire Decoration and Culture. Proresson SQoaLtint talented artist will guarantee to beautify, and tastefully decorate all voices ubmitted to his care. He will supply rich, dado tones ornamented with stacatti, in all the fashionable shades and variations, at 82.00 foot. Voice embroidery, suitable for disguising purposes, of the best timber, in tremolo or falsetto designs, from %5.00 a yard and up, according to compass. Opera ‘oes in passionate and dramatic tint: ic-a-brac in Wagnerian ware, be- r decorations used in the most celebrated European and American schools, Brasses, under Charge of Mr. Clasher. Chorus of mixed voices ascending major and minor scales, between the hours of nine This nin the morning, seven and eight in the evening. Parties wishing to make the ascent must come equipped with a brass- lined throat and extensive wind-power. Other departments under equally dis- tinguished professors. Prices to suit tho times. Curtain Lectures. Aw Illinois farmer recently traded his dog for another man’s wife. Such love as that almost surpasseth understanding: Austrian brides are allowed twelve dozen stockin Surely no Austrian bridegroom can complain of his wife’s cold feet. “ Man,” an anatomist, “ changes en- tirely every seven years.” Cheer up, lad! Some of your husbands may be temperance reformers yet. A Brooklyn woman wants a divorce from her husband because “he is not nobby enough.” She should e married aliving skeleton. still popular. If you don't ve this just notice how the men bang doors when they come and find the whole family house-cleaning. “Where the heart is there’s hom That's why a good many men and women don’t live at home these but board out with their wives and husbands. Henry Irving having sailed for England, the greatest actor now in this country is the man whocan come home at 3 a. M., and make his wife believe it is only 11 P.M. Mr. Talmage advises married people to avoid first quarrels. As Mr. Talmage sug- gests no other scheme for finding out which is boss, the first quarrels are likely to go on. —Chicago News. Just the Same. ‘Two old friends met on a Clark-street car the other day for the first time in ten years. After the customary shaking of hands, etc., one of them said to the other: “What are you doing now? “Me! Why I'ma lawyer. doing?” “Oh, I’m a thief, too,” Carl Pretzel’s Weekly. What are you was the reply.— Why He Left the Platform. “Wary did you stop | ance?” addres: cturing on temper- asked the Governor of Arkansas, ing a well known reformer. you see, I went up into the Dry Fork neighborhood and did my best, but the distilleries were too thick.” “Audience got drunk, T suppose?” 7 “No, not particularly.” - Why did you stop, then?” es “Well you see, J got drunk.”— saw Traveler, Arkan- An Extravagant Young Man. “YOUNG MAN,” said an employer to a clerk, ‘the ashier informs me that you draw your salary a day or so before it is due “Yes, sir,” replied the clerk, ‘ my pay is 80 small, that I cannot make it meet my ex- penses.” «* How much lary do you get?” hree dollars a week, sir. “Well, you should practice economy; it is the eed to wealth. The great trouble with you young men nowadays is, you want to lead a four dollar life on a three ‘dollar sala- ry! "—Philadelphia Call. comicbooks.com