Judge — June 7, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

12 THE JUDGE. wos an unlucky job for me whin I heerd the wurd assimblyman, an’ seys I, “Yer honor, uw th? charge,” seys I, ‘as ’twos a seys I, although me nose showed that there wos no mistake ab for this m : .” seys he, “and you're | discharged, an’ I'll see that th’ matther brought to th’ notis of th’ comm seys his honor the Judge. short an’ th’ long of it wos that th’ assimblyman walked out scott free afther disturbin’ th’ pace an’ sthriking meself, won o’ th’ foinest, whil I wos aftherwords foined tin days pay be th’ commisshuners for me furst expay- | rence, an’twill be a long time agin afore I arrest an assimblyman or a sinnathor or even an Aldherman ayther, if I know meseif, no | matther how they conduc’ thimselves. Me nixt_ expayrence wos wid a poor, dhrunken Oirishman who had a dhrop too much in, but wid all his dhrankenness didn’t | cut up half as many capers as th’ assimbly- | man or do any damage to annyone but him- | sel’, Bein’ afeerd that p’raps he was an assimblyman in disgize, I advised him to go home quitely, whin he told me that he had | no home to goto. I thin tuk him to th’ stashun fur a night’s lodgin’ an safe keepin’, in me gud nathur, an’ who, as luk wud have it, shuld be there whin we wint in but th’ | same laddheen 0’ a Judge who discharged th’ assimblyman and got me foined. An’ seys he to me, ‘‘ Phat charge have yees agin this man, offiser?” So I up an” explaned th’ matther, as I've told you above. ‘Tin dollars or tin days fur bein’ dhrunk this hour of night,” seys his honor turning to the poor Oirishman, An’ wid that I had to take him to acell, an’ he wos sint to th’ Oiland th’ nixt day fur th’ term 0” his sintince, though I aftherwards found out that he had a woife an’ six childher behoind him in a starvin’ cundishun, an I wos sorry to th’ hart for meddlin’ wid him at all, but laving him go his way. Pon me sowl I’d a most be a pecler in th’ ould dart wid nothin’ to do but chasin’ pigs an’ goats an’ hins an’ geese, an’ watchin’ th’ Fineens an’ skirmishers an’ din- nymithers. And sich, Bridget, is sum of me expay- rence, so far, as won o’ th’ foinest in the wurruld. In me nixt letther I’ll have more to tell yees, fur bethune th’ politishuns an’ th’ polis judges an’ other things, I’m not shure of meeself a minnit, day or night, an’ have found out that all is not goold that glitthers, afther all. But still th’ posish is betther nor working on th’ big poipes, an’ I may becum aroundsman won o’ these days, and a cuptin in th’ longrun. Your faithful lover ’till death, Cornetius O'FLANAGAN, Pathrolman. To Miss Bripcet O'Hara, Townland of Ballynacrank Parish of Kilnamacluskey, Ould Oirel: Over the garden wall—caterwaul. it Free Press has a regular ALL Sorts.” ‘That would be a dreadfully poor printing office—all “sorts.” AND now it is reported that Darwin’s “‘anthropoid apes” are going back on the Darwinian theory. They didn’t much ob- ject to the descent of man, but the evolution of the dude, they think, is coming it too strong. Besee ore POT ar EZ Mae SSL SATS SoA LA A PATHETIC TeMPERANCE Le took a drink of spirits. " My First Night in New York. I nap never been in New York before, and, as I was tired and travel-stained, I con- cluded to postpone sight-seeing until the next day; therefore entering the first hotel that presented itself, I was soon snug in bed | and sleeping the sleep of the righteous. My sonorous voice (key: B flat), assisted by a larynxical tenor and a nasal falsetto, soon awakened the dormant flies and board- ers, producing quivering echoes from the fuz in the corners where the enterprising chambermaid was trying to start an entomo- logical museum or spontaneous combustion. Higher and higher it soared among the race notes on the ledger lines, now making autiful staccato skips like snare-drum ac- companiments, then running brilliant arpeg- gio chords, bringing up a masterly crescendo fortissimo baritone, while crebrous bass- drum bangs brought ina fitting metronomic regulator Just as I passed safely through a maginificent Alleluiah Alemande and started a piu allegro trill in Patti’s high F, I be- came semi-conscious of the fact that through agencies which rivalled my own humble efforts a bass-drum accompaniment asserted itself; which sank into ignominious insig- nificance, and, with one tremendous cras that sounded like an impromptu earthquake, STATEMENT. urER.—" My friends, kind friends; it is thirty years since I Thirty years, my friends; thirty long and weary years.” | Iwas hurled from the celestial realms into the stern realities of this vale of tears, and snores, and the consciousness that some one was practising horizontal pile-driving against | my chamber door. | Hello!” I cried. “Hello there!” came from the corridor. ‘*Have you a libretto of ‘Fra Diavolo? | Diable! “No snoring permitted in this ho- tel.” | I cogitated. ‘*No snoring permitted in this hotel ”"—this hotel—zat hotel? Now | [ wonder what’s the name of this hotel, any- | how? I wonder—why didn’t I ascertain be- fore retiring?—this hotel—what can it be? Now I’m curious to know—jiminy! I must | find out—the-er Niagara? No; that isn’t | it—the Southern—the Glenham—Fifth Av- enue? No, not that either—the American the Black Horse—no, no; that’s kept b: Democrat—the-a-er—it don’t look like the Adair either—the Railro—five minutes more and I'll go crazy—by Jupiter, this is a pickle | for a fact! Here se been sleeping in a | house whose name is—jiminy crickets!—the Branswick—no — blastification!—how’m I going to find out anyhow? Let me see—by | gosh! I’ve got it! I’ll snore s’more, and then that chap'll come back and perhaps he'll givo it away; haw, ha, ha, haw—that’s it— comicbooks.com