Judge — May 31, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

E JUDGE. THEY MANAGE what ¢: nd the master’s attention was once more occupied with the lesson. I noticed two or three of my neigh- bors casting threatening glances towards m and all a sudden one of them, named “Tu Cummings, radely enou with most unwarrantable violenc —the ¢ cumstances calmly considered—snatched my shed cap out of my hand, and at the time his next neighbor knocked my oks into the middle of the floor, administered a sharp dig inst the shin.bone of my ‘holler out,” a a around my right hand, which (unluckily happening to be firmly clenched) struck him full on the nose. whose exp rienced eye had taken in the situation ata -e, forthwith proceeded to execute jus- 1 would in no wise listen to the am- ple explanation which I was only too ready and anxious ts Jay before him, but proceeded in cold blood to “lick” all three of us. Ah! then I felt keen and bitter anguish and re- gret that Ih not fortified myself in ad- vance, by the aid of the prophylacties afore- mentioned, which I had provided myself with in view of just such a contingency as actaally happen “hour” came to ime to swing an end at length, and the old bell, mounted in the funny little cupola at theend of the building, rang out for teno’clock. All the boys ted to their feet, and in the wild and tamultuous rush which followed I found myself being jostled and elbowed along the hall into another class room In the days to which I refer, there ny interval known as ‘* the five minutes, tween h of the so-called ‘hour nd this first ‘‘ five minute of mine at College will ever be memorable to me, for in them I first learned the true inwardness of ‘ roast- Dozens of eager hands laid hold of nd soon I was down on the floor at the prosecutors. My initiatory mply consisted in lifting me nds und feet, and bumping me ix or eight times. When I was at last released, I elf much out of breath, very d rey * roasting ” up by my I on the floor, with no little violence, ha ad been so carefally oiled and brushed in 3 but rly all ‘ their hair—to put it mildly— unkempt, and evidently despised, ly seen by their array, all aces. In good sooth, the very untidy lot of duys, for the « of young gentlemen, spick and span as if just out o at box, had not in my time, thank goodness, dawned on the old coll With great exertion I managed to break away from my tormentors, who, indeed, ready tired of me, and no sooner had f from them than in » the master, instantly the chaos which had reigned for the past five minutes came to an end, and once more cosmos prevailed; T had put in my first hour as a college boy. soEz. A Political Funeral. \ FUNERAL WHICH DID NOT TAKE PLACE SkIMP was an ambitious young man of Gotham, who had unsuccessfully eked various modes of making a living. So, finally deciding to try the underts king busi- ness, he hired a small shop and the necessary shernalia for making dead customers ae able. Convenient to his coflin em- porium was a corner liquor store, presided over by an amiable couple named Dinny O’Fudge and ‘‘herself,” as his wife was usually called. Dinny, by reason, perhaps, of his custo- mary black eye was recognized” author- ity on politic ording to his own telling, so gr ure of popu- larity on him in his ward, that he had numerous annual escapes from being created “ Aldhurman,” but, to his immortal credit be it universally known, he had never de- graded himself by verbal subterfuges to deny the fact that he is “throyin” to bring Chusther B. Arthur an’ Rashcoe Conklin’ ther afore the nixsht prishidintyil ilick- * nor that “ould Sammy Tilden an’ Puff Wattherson havs minnys the proyvit intherview at his counter noight Dinny isa ‘true green” of verac THINGS BETTER OUT WEST. sticks to his political friends—if they trade with him—with the same adhesive tenacity, that the flies do on his tumble He isa staunch 1 winter when Senator nizing in John Ki Albany Legislature, why ‘he: M hide all the bar decante lest Dinny would smash them into smithereens, in his enthu- ustic joy over ‘* Tom Grady, the little soon who had wind enuff in him to rais divil above at Albiny.” On one occasion after hearing of a ¢ speech by Grady in the legislative cham he became so obstreperou: to kick open sk of sta the odor of that speech—I fish still remains in the O° jood morning, Mrs. Skimp to “herself.” , Och, an’ the same to yersilf , assuming a dolorous how is bishniss wi “Oh, splendid had not buried a si opened shop,” ly’s favo! Boss” answered Skimp, who tiff” since he and [hope you will help me to udvertising me among your this a healthy locality, Mrs. ‘aix ‘thin, it ishint, Fur shure, n block, an’ the ” said she *tis the maizils in fayvur in to’ ethur, s bechewn thim both, thare’s no livin’ at all, atall, but fur docthurs and the loikes iv yersilf.”” Then she gave Dinny a sly wink, after which he sneaked out and whispered to a quartette of corner loungers who came into the store und were introduced to Skimp who treated them to O’Fudge’s best brandy, a ction so lavishly watered to justify being called a temperance beverage. Ah, thin,” put in Dinny, with a tear in “tis our own door th t will hov crape on it soon, too, Oi'm thinkin’, fur baint me third cooshin, Larry, thot lives wid us, up shtairs now, doyin” be inches wid the agee; an’,” he added, slapping Skimp patronizingly on the shoulder, if will box an’ ant Larry, iv ye el 1 a thousind dol- jars fur th » “Ah, an’ tis Larry will have vith a he big funeral thot same chimed in one of the comicbooks.com