Judge — May 3, 1884 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Live Commercial Traveler. Sueriee Wieerys, of Dallas, Texas, made it a prominent pare of his business to ferret out and punish commercial travelers who traveled in Texas without a license; but one morning he met his match, a genuine Yankee drummer. “What have you gottosell? Anything? asked the sheriff, as he met the Connecti- cut man on the street. ‘Oh, yes, I’m selling medicine— medicine. Selling Rattail’s Ready and it’s the best thing in the world. You ought to try a bottle. It will cure your ague, cure rheumatism, cure anything.” “And you will sell me a case?” artinly, sir; glad to.” Then the sheriff bought a case. Anything more?” asked the drummer. “Yes, sir; I want to see your license for selling goods in Texas. ‘That is my duty as the high sheriff of Dallas County.” | The drummer showed him a document, | fixed up good and strong, in black and white. | The sheriff looked at it and pronounced it all right.” Then, turning to the commer- | cial traveler, he said “1 don’t know, now that I’ve bought this stuff, that I shall ever want it. I reckon that I may as well sell it to youagain, What will you give for it?” “Oh, don’t know, that the darned stuif is any use to me, but seeing it’s you, sheriff, I'll give you a dolla ar for the lot, if you raly don’t want it.” The sheriff delivered back the medicine at four dollars discount from his own purchase and received his ¢ “Now,” said the drummer, “I’ve got a question or two to ask you. Hev you got a drummer's license abotit your trousers any- where?” “No; I haven't any use for the myself,” replied the sheriff. Hain’t eh? Wal, I guess we'll see about that pretty darn soon. If I understand the law, it’s a clean case that you've been tradin’ with me, and hawkin’ and peddlin’ Rattail’s Ready Relief on the highway, and I shall inform on you—darn’d ef I don’t neow!” When the nkee reached the court house, he made his complaint, and the sheriff w fined eight dollars, for selling goods without a license. ‘The sheriff was heard afterward to say that “you might as well try to hold a greased eel asa live Yankee.”—Eli Perkins. Relief, article A Mythtery. Owe day the gods were making men, and after they had turned out seven oreight good healthy, active fellows, Jupiter, who was bossing the job, turned to the crowd and said: “We've run out of brains, and can’t make any more men to-day. _ I’ve got a little piece left here, but it isn’t big enough to make a man.” It was an inconceivably small object, that the god showed them—perhaps as large as a pin head, or the hind legs of a Colorado beetle. ‘ Well,” he said, ‘‘ what shall I do with it?” and he held up a little piece of brain. “Guess, you'll have to make a dude of it,” observed one of the gods carelessly. “It’s not big enough for a horse, and too big. for a mule, so you can’t make much out of it “All right,” sighed Jupiter, “a dude it is. But it’sa pity to waste so much good brain where it won’t do any good anyhow.” And that’s how we came to have dudes.— Williamsport Breakfast Table. | has missed the THE JUDGE. : S$ SIR,” said ‘the politician to the cau- nipulator, ** the offic ek the man and not the man the oftice.” ‘Ex actly,” answered the c. m. But in this case, when the office starts out to seck the man “Yes, sir,” “I want you to x it so that I will be the first man that it will find.”—Somerville Journal. “WELL, how’s trade sked one Cincin- | nati florist of another. ent “Dead,” was the reply; “I haven’t sold a bouquet in a week.” or I,” responded the other. ‘And here there are thirty or forty murderers in jail. ‘This mob business is a terrible thing. —Philadelphia Call Ir is now developed that before they « nounced their intention of presenting h with %100,000 worth of money, Mr. Carl Schurz’s friends exacted from him a solemn promise that he would not accept the gift. | It is furthermore stated that they had to talk with him nearly three weeks ‘before they could get him to agree to make the promise. We firmly believe the eminent foreigner grandest opportunity of his life.—Chicayo News. Epitor— , your honor, Tam not but I should like to be excused from jury duty all the same, Judge—“ For what reason?” Editor—‘‘I have avery important article to write for the next issue of the paper.” Judge—* Very important is it? May I ask what is the subject?” — Editor— «The jury system.” Ah, and what ground do you take?” Ei hat all the evils of the system would be removed if reputable zens would consent to serve.”—Philadel- phia Call. ky SoME of our contemporaries are mourning ‘ause a slugging match or a dog fight cts more attention and liberal financial patronage in this country than Italian ope Watt, we don’t know as there is any occasion for sorrow over the matter. We have only heard Italian Opera once or twice this win- ter, and if all the rest of it is like the sample we heard, we rather admire the superior in- telligence and good taste which leads the American people to prefer the rat pit.— Burlington Hawkeye. Wittram WaLLace, who lives at skill in Schoharie county, N. Y., re- members when General Washington patted her on the head nearly a century ago. The father of his country was then stopping a the Schuyler mansion in Cobleskill. Mr Wallace is 104 years old. She goes it very mild. If she chose, she might remember that George was madly in love with her and gave her a silver bracelet which she lost, and there'd be nobody about mio could posi- tively contradict her.— Boston Post. One of the longest German aris which has cheered us recently occurred in a report, that happily proved false, of the death of Dr. Lange. It stated that one of his chief claims to scholarly admiration was his book entitled ‘Theolegischehomiletische Bible- werk.” There are by actual count just twenty-four letters in the first word of his title. " We have not read the contents of the book, for the very title seems to us to be by itself satisfying. Ever since that book which came out long ago, ‘Green asa Lemon is He,” titles have told so much that little more has appeared to be neces A Lovisk KELLoG0 Is to receive $1200 for sloxing in Paris—@i0 a night! No wonder she ts 1n love gh Syrup, the great remedy for coughs and Id she do without ft, if she sbould be attacked ness. Colds, for what w: suddenly by boas Ought to Divide Fare. “*Say, Shorty,” id ar conductor, ks, Who used to run a ot the g. b. the company.” “What was the matter? “Why, he took seventy fares on the up trip, and only reported thirt Seems to me he was rather greedy.” “Yes, Bilks were too much of a hog, an’ that don’t pay in the long run, ‘cause it makes the company dissatisfied. I don’t think it right to do anything onreasonable. You see, the company furnishes the hosse an’ the cars, and then pays the conductor an’ the driver, besides the necessary repairs an’ losses. A man oughter act square an’ he won't get left. Bilks oughter done the fair thing by the company an’ give ’em half, any- way,” and then he collected five fares from passengers and rang three on the indicator with the conscienciousness of an honest man, —Tezas Siftings passenger to a become of on this line? other day from the The Value of a Knowledge of Good Grammar. We do not wish to place the desirability of succeeding in carrying out burglaries be- fore the minds of thé young, but it may be worth while to mention that success in any field is rendered easier by a knowledge of the rules of grammatical construction. his is illustrated by the following anecdote: An old lady, nearly blind, heard a noise in the upper part of her house, and on call- ing up stairs she was answered by a strange voice, saying, ‘It’s me, mother,” Having brought up’ her children to use proper language, the old lady knew at once that there was a strange man in the house, and quickly effected her ¢ cape to a neigh: bor’s, although she suffered some violence at the hands of the bogus son. Burglars in that city will hereafter prot add an English grammar to their ‘kits food Cheer. bl “ Cuts.’ Is producing new plays, “ ening of speeches or scenes nearly alv have to be made, for no matter how expe enced or able may have been the direction of a play nothing but an actual performance before an audience will reveal the weak or tiresome pa Frequently the altera- tions are of a radical nature, though it is not often they far as that suggested by the famous English wit and dramatist, Henry J. Byron. ‘This gentleman was present at the first performance of one of his plays. The first act had gone very slowly, and during the wait between that and the second, a great noise of sawing was audible behind the cur- tain. “What's all that sawing, Byron? a friend who shared his box. “1 don't know,” replied the dejected au- thor; ‘‘ but I think they are cutting out the next act.” cuts,” or short- ges. ” asked Columbia Bi Is what every Toy wants, and what every Man ought to have Send Scent stamp fi new elegantly Iustra. ted page € gue and Price List THE POPE MANUFACTURING CO., }) IMPROVED ROOT BEER Package. 25¢, Makes 5 of a detic wholesome beverage. or sent Uy mall ‘Ave, Philadelphia, Pa. HIRES" receipt of 28¢, C.E comicbooks.com