Judge — May 3, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Tus—“ JT “Oh, Party IN ATTEN DANT—' I’ve got a son to hum, who hain’t got no bad habits, an’ is as chipper an’ peart as a kitten. He is nigh onto to twelve years old come this spring, and ’turns the scales at one hundred and twelve pound ‘without his stockings.’ We aint been a doin’ of any thing lately, an’ I jidge he’s tired of idle- ness, “cause it aint his nater, Mr. Wilkes, do say it myself. So Vil let him drop round an” sec ou. He's just the boy fur yer advertise; an? that’s as true as I’m a livin’ an’ breath- in’ sinner.” Then suddenly checking himself, he said, apologetically “Good-day, sir; I haint had no idee how long I’ve ben a keepin’ of yer, an’ a tress- passin’ on yer valerble time. Good-day And off he shambled down the street, greatly to my relief, as I firmly believe that arrulous old rogue would have talked me to death had I encouraged him for a moment in his absurd and disconnected gabble. ‘Three days clapsed without bring: ing mea single applicant. On the fourth, however, the precocious youth of illustrious grandsire lineage, came in on me just as I was dressing for breakfast. I indicated the stove, told him that I was willing to pay him fifty cents a week for his services, and inquired his given name. Whereupon he replied with that promptitude and decision which enabled me to comprehend at once the nature of theanimal I had to deal with— he was not a bashful boy. He said: “Why, ‘Tom Jones, to be sure! Thank heaven! I mentally ejaculated, he has neither the appearance of his father nor peculiar method of expression. ‘Named after your grandfather, Squire Jones?” I suggested, turning upon him and pinching his ear by way of emphasis. He smirked. a sent, at once attacking my open grate with a savage ferocity of determina- tion, which has no parallel in my experience of curious youngsters. I was charmed ; I was enraptured at his alacrity. I said, “Your industry is highly commendable.” He made uo reply, but moved about the room with lightning-like rapidity. Now he has boarded the stove, shovel in hand, and with a twist of the wrist, and fling of the heel, he has thrown the ashes all over the an’ that’s the gospel truth, tho’ J didn’t ring for whisky T thought yer wuz one 0 T wanted a towel!” dem drummers, sah.” floor. His work is completed in less time than it takes to say ** ae I said, “Tom” (for I shall call him by that name hereafter), ‘you beat the Dutch, and I trust we shall become capital friends in the course of time; for,” said I, ‘thrifty people placed in humble circumstances, never fail to ma reat men, and when you become senator, you can procure from the government an appropriation of sixty thou- sand dollars toeducate B. Ingersoll, thereby not only doing myself but the entire world a great favor.” Why not give me a quarter to purchase book on etiquette for J. Cook, Tom, posing with one elbow on and gazing absently at the fire. “I judge, he continued, ‘‘ his manners are none of the best, from what the governor said about his encounter with the minister of the Second Congregational Church at Keene, when” — “Young man,” I exclaimed, in ane thoritative voice, ‘I command you to be silent. You are, perhaps, not aware of the fact that you are circulating a vile against one of carth’s greatest men (in his own estimation), J. Cook,” I vocifer- ated, has the manners of a French dancin: master—at least, so I am told, for I never saw the monk—man, ld say.” Sir,” said Tom, with melodramatic ex ance of gesticulation, “though my father 1s of humble origin, I should infinitely prefer to see him dead, than to be- lieve him capable of telling a fals “Possibly, young man,” said I, not understand that my breakfast bell has just rung, and although I greatly admire your flow of language, yet I bear no points of resemblance to Dr. ‘Tanner whatsoever; and some other time you may relate your family experience to me, if you insist upon that infliction. But, for the present, good- day, and call to-morrow at half-past eight.” Had I disconcerted him? "Sue had been my design. Be th i he said’ was, “I beg your pardon, Mr. Wilkes, no offense intended,” and made his exit with apparent indifference, which, although it slightly disconcerted, did not nevertheless prevent me from participating in the traditional luxury of a boarding- house breakfast, which breakfast had been ”* suggested the stove, slander pu do delayed fifteen minutes on account of my non-attendance. Now, between you and me, kind reader, my landlady is the most un- feminine female it has ever been my misfor- tune tomect. Reared in the wilds of north- ern Vermont on a small farm, and born of impecunious parents, she learned at an early age to rely upon her own resources, and emigrated after the death of her parents to ne, N. H., where she became famous, or infamous, as the sole conductress of a boarding-house, noted for its Centennial pies and sensational puddings. She is possessed of herculean stature, is exceedingly ugly and meddlesome of disposition, and when angry prowleth abroad and seeketh whom she may | slay with her tongue; therefore what wonder that the first words which greeted me on taking my ut the festive Board were, “1 have,” Mr. Wilkes, “just had the pleasure of viewing in person, that piece of monumental brass who came to build your fire this morn- and which you are pleased to term a Would you believe tt,” she proceeded to say, with suppressed rage, “ when I asked him humorously enough whether he had really intended to tear my house down or not, he said, the insolent wretch, ‘Shut up your mouth, and give your tongue a sliegh-ride,” and’ran out slamming the door and roaring with laughter.” Having thoroughly warmed up to the subject, her wrath became ungov- ernable, and she burst forth with a torrent of abusive langnage against the unfortunate ‘Tom, in which she proclaimed her intention of precipitating the “ugly know-nothing ” out of the house should he ever re-appear on the scene of action. Reluctantly I yielded, but finally consented to ‘Tom's dismissal, Jand tucking my napkin under my chin, | silently laid siege to a solitary mutton-chop which chance or the cook had thrown in my way, doubtless with sanguinary intentions. It is Saturday morning, and cold enough trow, to freeze over the lower regions. No, | on second consideration, I will not draw so long a bow, but shall simply say, cold enough for all practical purposes. ‘Tom is fumbling away at the grate and has just thrown the | latest edition of the London Ilustrated News | intokindlethe fire. ‘'Tom,” said I, sitting up and rubbing my eyes drowsily, “I have a piece of very unpleasant news to impart to you ‘Tom flung himself round witha jerk, and stood in ang ittitude ofattention. lcon- tinued, ‘‘ Through your negligence to be com- plaisant to my landla ady, Miss Sam son, you have forfeited your situation, and through her I am obliged to dismiss you for imperti- nence,” and pls acing fifty cents in his hand, I dismissed him; and that was the last of Tom. But ‘Tom has a successor—I am sorry to say—a grinning imbecile, recommended and liked by my landlady and kicked down three flights of stairs by me every morning to get up an appetite for breakfast. “ Red lights and quick curtain.” 3. it ak O, sp. ; thou bringest flower: And babblin and balmy air, With bursting buds and song of birds, And pastures green for lowing herds. Thou bringest lawn tennis for play, And the censorions croquet; But most poetical of all, ‘Thou bringest marbles and base ball. Thou bringest one thing more, and that’s A monstrous crop of new spring hats; Yet more than all, my sad soul leans ‘To tender dandelion greens. —Haverhill Gazette. Letters of acceptance—y-e-s, comicbooks.com