Judge — April 19, 1884 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

a farm ho and the manipul: 14 Didn't Want a Thermometer. «Can I sell you a thermometer to-day?” inquired the young man at the back door of ** What's them?” demanded a hoarse voice from the echoing corridors of alarge kitchen, ‘or of the voice loomed up in his shirt sleeves. * Thermometers? an: ‘What they good fa They indicate the temperature. id “What temperatur ‘The temperature of the where th by are located.” *Reg’late the weather, eh?” ‘No, they don’t exactly regulate the weather, but they indicate it. In other words, they just how hot or cold it is by easy referen a graduated scale ran- ning from 40 d s below zero to far above boily g point.” “Say, confound your pictur, don’t you s‘pose we know when we're cold and when we're overheating ourselve: “Certainly, bat then — “What in thunder do we want of a ther- mometer? Don’t you s’pose ef I was cold now I'd put on my coat. Even if I hadn't got a co: suldn’t I sell a two-year-old and git me one?” “Yes, certainly, but that is not the idea. You know some seasons are hotter and cold than others, and oftentimes it is a satisfac- tion to know how much they y ‘Well, darn your hide, ef I’m too warm— ef enny of us is too warm—can’t we peel ourselves, can’t we chuck off every last rag and goin swimmim’? Come, now, what do yer say to that, eh?” But then there are other uses for a reli- able thermometer. You make butter, do you not Yes sir, we churns onct a day, reg’ We've made butter afore you was weaned.” ex well you may not have noticed it, but butter never comes until the cream has reached a certain temperature. By the ap- plication of these thermometers you can readily ascertain the exact temperature of the cream, and —— ““And let Bob stand around the room idling away time waiting for Jersey cream to heat up. >, sir, it won’t go down, that kind of argument won't. Bob's hired to work, not watch scientific rattletrap, and when the butter don’t come, I say to Bob, ‘ You keep on churning,’ and he shakes her up for all that’s out. You'd better go hum and go to work young man, afore you t too cranky for this world, ‘I shouldn’t surprised to see you around here next summer with some kind of a contrapsion to tell us to go in when it rains. Sure you haven't got something to tell us when it’s sundown? Texas Siftings. ered the youth. atmosphere The Same Old Story. i scream of a woman was heard in a York street house yesterday after- noon, Several men who were passing along rushed pell mell into the house, thinking the woman was being murdered. “What's the matter?” asked the man who entered first. “Oh, oh! hed the woman. “‘ Where is he? Where did he go?” asked he rushed here and there. THE JUDGE. Good Advice. “Ane you sick?” asked the old ph. of his eldest son, who appeared dispirited and ill at ease. “Not exactly,” said the young man, ‘only an eastern house has drawn on me unexpectedly for $400.” ‘* How often have I cautioned you,” said the angry father, ‘not to expose yourself to a draft.”—Jndianapolis Scissors. Knew It Wasn't Him. Miss SensipLe and Miss Smirker were talking together after they unmasked at the fancy “ball the other hight, and were much annoyed by conceited young Bub- ble! who hovered near. At last Miss Smirker said: “*T really wonder who that was who danced with me and squeezed my hand so delight- fully. Bubbleby smiled suggestively. “Oh, know it wasn’t you, Mr. Bubble- by,” said Miss Smirker. ** The young ma I'mean was extremely graceful, and he had— oh, heavenly eyes!” Bubbleby sought the supper room.— Wash- ington Hatchet. Literary. Two young ladies, of literary tastes, in Clifton, were discussing their reading, when one of them remarked: “Thave been engaged with a delightful work for a week past.” “Indeed, what is it?” “Anthony Trollop’s autobiography.” “* Who is the author?” “Really, I don’t know. I have looked over the title page and through the preface, but I can’t find any reference to the author at all. Whoever it is, is a charming writer, and seems to have known the novelist very intimatel, “Tl get it and read it, but it is too pro- voking, isn’t it, that so many delightful authors, of late, are writing anonymously.” Ho Couldn't Wait. EY are not very rigid in court formali- ties in Colorado, so to speak. “T don’t see the prisoner anywhere,” said the judge at the Bone Valley session, as he braced up from a little judicial nap prepara- tory to sentencing a horse thief to death. “Where is he, Mr. Sheriff?” “I'm blessed if I know,” said that func- tionary, who had been absorbed in collecting a horse race bet from the clerk, “Was hea big, red-headed man with a scar on his cheek?” asked the foreman of the jury, who was shuflling cards for another deal. «‘That’s him,” said the sheriff, who had been looking around under the benches without success. “ Why then,” continued the foreman, ‘about half an hour ago he—cards, gentle- men—he asked me to step out and take a drink, and—I see, your raise—and when I showed him Thelda flush, hesaid. ‘S’mother time, then,’ and walked out.” “The devil you say,” thundered his honor; “However, he'll probably be in town again next week to see the circus, and some of you fellows must remind the sheriff to shoot him off hand—save lots of trouble. The court will now adjourn for McGutney’s chicken fight.”"—San Fracisco Post. plained ‘the spokesman of the compar | “Here, waiter, take away these fried oys- ters. They are bad.” ‘I know it, sir, but we have given you two more oysters than you called for to make-up for it.”—Tezas Siftings. “Tt take yez all in if that howlin’ an’ pushin’,” said a policeman to a tumultuous groap of hangers-on at the back entrance of a theatre. ‘‘ Phat air yez doin’, iny how?” ‘* We’re rehearsing,” ex- z don’t shtop “Rayhersin’ for phat?” ‘The new star begins her engagement next Monday, and the manager has hired us to play the excited multitude storming the ticket office.” — Brooklyn Eagle. ‘THE most egotisttical of the United States —‘* Me.”—Lowell Courier. The most re- ligious—** Mass."”"—T'he Hatchet. The poor- est in Health—* Ill.”"—Pretzel’s Weekly. The father of States—* I An ungrammatical State-—“ R. 1.” Marine Territory—‘‘ Utah.” —Boston Commercial Bulletin. Mightier than the sword—*‘ Penn.” Has most nitro- glycorine—" Kan.” Most useful in haying time—* Mo.” ‘The most vivacious—‘ Ga,” Makes the most mistakes and is the most ladylike—‘* Miss.” Best in time of flood— “Ark Mark,” —Harlford Times. ‘iting’ and ‘ait Brugtata, of sent by tail od receipt of 25¢. CE ilinen, Net Aves Philadelphia. Pa, mL SAFPORD ADAMS & CO., 48 Bond ft. N.Y. ALOON-MEN, STUDY YOUR INTERESTS | Tits machine ts en: rely’ automatic, re. quiring bo attention ‘started: heer or other Uquids from the erllar and kre them pure and down to ‘tbe [Sst glean” Fiat Deer te ‘pever known where tt ts used. No live saloon can at ford to be withouttt Te will pay for ia cost tn alabort time. For desertpuive cats logue and’ price, to any address, apply to P_MANUF'G C0.” 215 x Agents want city. Address as above for tulfparticulara Mention Tae Jebak. CRANDALL & CO. THIRD AVE. OLDEST Raby Carriage Factory tn the world, Latest styles i Cane, Rattan, Reed and Wood. CARRIAGES AND SPRINGS, tndorsed by J.B. Brewsi Shrady and others, aa perfect th construction, safe and be SVelocts sUStad neva, Catalogues tbe Opes evenings Sole Agent for Tally bo Sulky. seo THIRD AV Pierrepont, BROOKLYN. D® FOOTE ORIGINAL METHODS OLD EYES Made New withont doc py OF 1 HOME ra.medicine or glasses RUPTURE (ered sioerenticn PHIMOSIS Cored toot cotting: NERVOUS bail ee airs Fe CHRON TC eet ane Tec each) address Dr. E. B. FOOTE, gus, N.Y. City GOLD WATCH FREE! uber of he jome Quast, the wa- MAT rae te phat re Ske as oo "Pubs. ‘of HOM: comicbooks.com