Judge — April 19, 1884 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

wretch in all my existence as your mamma's little boy.” “Imperence yerself, Miss be so kind and condescending ber your place in society. My mamma al- ways says that I ought’ent to associate with folks what keeps their lace curtains up all summer.” “Now, children. why don’t you ce quarreling. Don’t you know it is very ful to harbor such thoughts? Now, be good andtellme. Pa 8 you all know, was— ‘a “Oh, ho,” ‘Tommy Dinkiemeyer, “Tye got a m Look here what goggle-ey He he nded me which had been s “Deer Tommy Agreeble to a in your sweet (oh sweet) leter, I take the liberty to meet you goin to school tom-morrow and will now close by one million hundred kisses. Yours every true FLORELLA. out Tommy mith. Please 3 to remem- 4 dirty piece of paper, on rawled the following: All right, gog,” called I'll see yer later.” “Well, children,” said I, closing my book in despair. ‘I want you all to learn each a nice little verse out of the Bible to recite next Sunday, and the one of you who picks out the nicest verse and says it the best, will receive a nice little picture-card.” “Miss Brown,” said Henry Smith who had just come in, “my ma wants you tocome around and look at the ‘All right, dear,” I said sweetly. PENELOPE BROWN. Cut Out of Whole Cloth. “Or all the Biblical characters,” said Mr. Shinrack, putting aside the scriptures and addressing his interesting family, ‘1 most admire David. Aside from being a grea ruler he was a poet and a singer of great sweetness,” “He was something like Andrew John- son,” replied the son, a young man whose areer on the college playground has been spoken of in the highest terms. “Why like Andrew Johnson father. “* Because he was a tailor.” “What, David a tailo: “Yes, for the Bible says so. “The Bibl 's nothing of the kind.” “Oh, yes; for don’t you know that when Saul went into the cave David cut his gar- ment?” After a few moments’ silence the father said to his wife: **There is “an old horse- pistol somewhere up stairs. Wish you'd bring it down.”—Arkansaw Traveler. Rough on Reporters. A BEAUTIFUL young lady, elegantly dressed and worth $100,000, “appeared in the Tombs Police Court, New York, last week as a wit- ness, She much interested in the famous old court and gazed earnestly at six young men sitting in a box. Even’asshe gazed she shuddered, and a little moan broke from her lips. Pre Are those hardened looking young men prisoners?” she asked. “Oh, no, ma’am,” replied the justice, greatly shocked, “those are reporters for the morning papers.” The young lady said she would like to go and look at the dungeons immediately.— Burlington Hawkeye. | what he can be recovered. | that. THE JUDGE. The Druggist—A Vault Story. Drorren into a drug store the other Sun- day. A drug store is about the only place you can drop into on y to havea quiet retired talk without being fired out. It’s a place where everybody bores everybody else. Good place to tell startling stories, Spring inety-days puns, and tell your experi he remedies are all at hand, and there’s no danger of a fellow getting so far gone but Now there ain’t a drug store in Decatur that don’t sell some- thing else besides drugs. Sometimes it’s books, sometimes fiddles, sometimes bat carriages, old stocks of toys, cigars, and whis key—but that’s a drug of cours There was the druggist, two counter-sitters and a young banker inthestore. They were talking of the $27,000 robbery of the vaults of the C., B. & Q. railway at Ch The druggist scemed to think that thieves could so study the habits and everyday programme of business men and their help that the thief could make the fake and lay it on to the cashier, or the clerks, or something like ‘The young banker was satisfied that the robbery took place from within. How- ever, he got off the subject a little bit and related a little vault story. ‘Told them how he'd acted very carelessly in his bank once. He once was examining the currency inside the vault, and having a desire to sucking qualities a rest, he laid hi a ledge close at hand. ‘The examination being over he locks the safe. ‘The cigar was within, "Iwas a time lock arrangement Then he described the anguish he experienced that night. ‘The safe could not be opened till the time lock said so. It was horrible. The men have gotten off the counter and started for the door. The druggist asked them not to rush off so frantically, but they would go, as much as the druggist wanted them to stay. I ventured to state that cigars didn’t catch very casy anyhow, As near as I could remember I never saw but one boy who could get a blaze from a lighted cigar. I thanked the proprietor for my s offered the second insertion on re terms, and I made my exit. Druggists are dreamy-looking people, and they will eat opium sometimes, but God knows the druggist makes the heart of the old farmer glad by giving him an almanac when he comes to town.—Decatur Review. How to Secure Customers. “THAT man will hereafter be a good cus- tomer of mine,” said the saloon-keeper as a business-looking man went out of the saloon as if he had a pressing engagement. “Who is he?” “T don’t know. Never saw him before.” ‘* What makes you think he will ever come in here again?” «Because I gave him a plugged half dol- lar in change, The first time he tries to pass it it will be rejected. Then he will come back here to exchange it for another one. I'll beg his pardon, say something about getting stuck with them once in a while when there isa rush of business, ask him to take a drink, chat with him while he crooks his elbow, tell him a funny story, and he'll go away thinking I am an awful nice fellow. After that he'll never go by without coming in. I’ve made half a dozen good customers with that half dollar alrea ‘There’s tricks in all trades but ours. Man: the more of these fellows that man will give me.” ‘As he spoke he pulled open the money 13 drawer and took therefrom the bill stranger had yiven him. He looked closely, admiringly, doubtingly, and with undisguised disgust “No, bi I'm wron that half dollar back. —Detroit Free Press. the at it then He'll never brin The bill is wus! Politics in Wyoming. “ Mother, m “Yes my charming ¢ Be sure you get a big y T go out to vote?” shiter ank note ua ought ter. — Whitehall: Times. For voting as y He Didn't Steal It. “War did yer git dat fine piece ob pool- try, Brover Jobnsing?” inquired Parson Longface, the colored preacher, to Deacon Johnson, with whom he was taking dinner. “Ober at Farmer Ploughshar’s, sir,” re- plied the dusky d his lips. “T truss’ der Lord yer didn’t steal it, Brover Johnsing!” continued the parson, beginning to feel sick at the stomach at the thought of eating stolen chicken. No, no, parson; dat ain't ro burd. “Well, how did yer git it “Well, I’se gwine to tell ver, as’ evenin’ I was passin’ Far - ’s when I seed his chicken-coop door open. I jes’ goes to an’ T shuts der door; and I sez ter myse! If, ‘Johnsing, un’ yer orter be paid for plump hen. it what yer just devoured, par After this explanation ine preacher’ science seemed to feel easier, and he | around ing s though he thou there might be some more fowl in the cinity.— Yonkers Statesman. stolen ter har it, deacon, but A Very Brief Honeymoon. Cots .aday or so after my fi ion,” Milwiukee justice of the peace, ‘that a neatly-dressed couple came into my office and requested me to marry them. "I did so, and the groom in- formed me that he had no money, but that he would pay me as soon as he earned some, They went away, and I thought that would be the last of it; but sure enough the fol- lowing Monday morning the groom came into my office and handed me one dollar. 1 took it without any comment, and then asked him how he liked being married. He was overjoyed with his wife, and their honeymoon'so far has been of ‘unspeakable bli He left the office still sounding the praises of his bride. About 2 o'clock that afternoon the same 1 burst into my office, but his happy look was gone. * ce, he gasped, ‘what was my wife’s nam I was Sstonished and began’ questioning him, when he said: ‘I don’t know my wife’s name, and she has run off with another man while I was here paying you the $1; and I want to find out her name so that I can tell the police.’—Milwaukee Sentinel, on a Thursd “You long,” she said escort slid into h ring-up of the sc should not have in icy tone: staid away so as her theatre t ten-minutes after the ond act. “Oh! Er— Excuse me—I met my old friend Tom in the foyer 'and”—‘Was Jerry there too?” wae her artless interruption as she turned her attention to the stage.— Boston Post. comicbooks.com