Judge — April 5, 1884 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

this little article. Bless my heart, I have just sat down on a flying squirrel that was in my coat pocket! What shall I do? Poor little beast, it will never fly again, and I, what shall I do to face the aflicted family? I must make out a case of circumstantial evidence against the cat, Squirrel expiring in my arms, cat rushing out of the room yes, that will do, only I must not say I s the cat doing it, for that would be telling alie, and would be setting a bad example to my, my, my children—yes, that is it. I forgot which of the little animals wife says I must not set a bad example to, but I have it now. . * . There, I have done it, and if you had seen them all with brooms and pokers go for the eat, you would not blame me for not telling. Moral.—If your family affects pets, or even if it don’t, never, never leave "yourself without acat. It kills the rats and mice; it has nine lives, and is very useful—well, in other ways. Cullud Man's Corn"-er. RY “OLD mIcKORY “Better go fru de swamp to sce yer gal dan to go ‘cross de feels and get cotched by de dorg.” “Doan at midnite tem ob de strong. ““Neber smite your fellow-crechewer on de mouf; if he smotes yer, de best way for yer to do am to ambu Member one thing: if yer wood sabe yerself in eny per- tickler, run like a sheard lamb.” “Doan stay ‘way from de church on de ‘Lor’s Day’ ’cause som’body said dar ware good fishun in de crik. If yer hear dee rimarks, go ‘way from the ‘riginater, ‘cause de temtashun mite be too pourrful fer yer good resolushun: “Lub your nabor.” If it am impossible to lub him, den lub If; den Spoke- speere’s old saying, “Lub’s Labor Lost will hab to be strung on an nudder ke “Doan steal your nabor’s chickens; for de man who will steal his nabor’s chicker am liable to steal his wheelbarrer likewise, for to cart de chickens away in. Dis joak am limitid; if yer boun’ for to to take de chickens, labe him his wheelbarrer for ‘con- shins’ sake.” “‘ Neber carry a rayzor; ‘cause it must be ken into de mind dat a rayzor am keener arper dan de biggest * banko steerer” in de lan’, an’ gine: lly. *Doan’ sen’ yer chillen in yer n watermillion pach for ter git "t when a cullad pusson am sent into a water- million pach for ter test der in’vidual ’ones- ty, yer mote as well fro. him in de riber, wid Nis han’s an’ feet tide, an’ ’speck him to keep his presence ob mine.” “If yer eber steal yer nabor’s hoe, doan x him for de loan ob it de nex’ da: axing ob him what he can’t gib, an’? not logical.” stan’ under your nabor’s winder and ‘ sing for de nervus sy race am ginerally ‘ceded not go Fame. Fuarrenn by all, his fri With wealth and In the sweet prid ndship sought, famous name; of his heart, he thought He would have undying fame. Proudly he nursed the thot He died, and the funeral o'e A little month had bar And his ame was bh t; at last y passed, rd no more. THE JUDGE. How Artemus Ward Once Lectured. Tu are yet living in Pottsville, P: several gentlemen who never hear the name of Artemus Ward without asmiling recollec- tion of a pleasant night spent with that droll genius. Tn the winter of one of the earlier years of the war, Artemus Ward was adver- tised to deliver his famous lecture on the Mormons in the town hall at Pottsville. Much curiosity was excited by the announce- ment of his coming, and there was every reason to expect that the hall would be crowded on the evening of the lecture. But one of the fiercest snow storms that ever visited the town raged without intermission all day, and the night was wildly stormy when the lecturer was driven to the hall. He found waiting for him only five men, who defied the storm, Advancing to the stage, and beckoning with the tinger as if to pgle individual, Artemus said, in an or- dinary conversational tone: ‘‘Come up closer.” Not knowing precisely what to do, the audience of five compromised with their emb; sment by doing nothing. Artemus 1 his tone to that of one who wishes nd -said: come up closer and be sociable; T want to speak to you about a little matter I have thought of.” Having succeeded in getting his audience to move up near to the stage, the humorist said: “IT move that we do not have any lecture here this evening, and I propose instead that we adjourn to the restaurant beneath and have a good time.” Ife then put the motion, voted on it him- self and declared it carried, and, to give no opportunity for an appeal to the chair, at once led the way to the restaurant. ‘There he introduced himself to his intended audi- tors, and spent several hours in their com- pany, richly compensating them for pointment in the matter of the lecture by the wit and humor of the stories and anec- dotes without number that he told. And that is how Artemus Ward lectured in Potts- ville. to coax A pay or two ago one of the self-sacri ing gentlemen who have given up their lives to the cause of temperance met a little girl emerging from an alley in one of the y populated quarters of the town, ‘and to hide a cracked pitcher with her thin “Ah, my child, in a fat and comforts know it’s all , Wrong “Yes sir,” whispered the child, around for a policeman. “ And your father drinks, T suppose?” “Yes sir,” "replied the child, grasping her money more tightly. “And your mother too?” “Yes sir. “And you are going to buy liquor for them now, I see. I—” sir. I’m going for yea you please take this man away? He wants me to open my hand and then he'll grab the money! And, finding herself free, the young one shot up the street like a bullet, leaving the philanthropist to make such ex- planations as he might to the incredulous policeman who held him by the collar.— Drake's Travelers’ Magazine. lanthropist, “don’t you looking Mrs. Carviste has already returned 750 calls, and yet the croakers keep on howling that this congress hasn’t done anything.— Boston Post. At the Gate. “And where were you just now, M Where you been so long? ‘The moon is up, and all the birds Ifave sung their evening song. I saw you loitering down the path, So lonely and so late, Beyond the well and lilac bush, And hanging on the gate.” I love to hear the birds, mother, And see the rising moon; And oh! the summer air i Beneath the sky of June. My cow is milked, my hens are cooped, ‘And washed are cup and plate; So I just wandered out awhile ‘Yo hang upon the gate. Mabel, weet ‘The gate is by the road, And idle folks go by; Nor should a maiden brook the glance Of every stranger eye. Beside, I thought I saw a cap— I'm sure you had a mate; So tell me who with you, my child, Was hanging on the gate.” Now, you know just as well, mother, “Pwas only Harry He spoke such words to me to-night, I knew not what to say. And, mother, oh, for your dear sake I only bade him wait And might I run and tell him now? He's hanging on the gate.” A Fine Wash. “Mrs, Firzpatirtc: ye have out this mornin Thrue for ye, Mrs. Muldoon; an’a foine wash it should be, sure, wid the Dinnisons all shtrang up on the line, boorders an’ all, “* An’ do ye wash the Dinnisons now?” “Tvery wan av thim, so Oi do!” “An’are they a clane lot, Mrs. pathrick?” “Clane is it, Mrs. Muldoon? Ye'd niver ask it ef ye’d luk at the knookles an’ the wash boord, an’ ef ye’d sherutinize me emo- tions whin I’m batin’ the gravel outen the duds av the young haythen, it'd moind ye av the toime yer Paddy breakin’ shtone in the pinitinshery, so it wud!” it’s a foine wash Fitz- “ Ane you as happy now as_you were be- fore you married?’” asked Mrs, Yeast of young Mrs, Crimsonbeak. «Yes, indeed,” replied the lady; ‘and a great deal happier.” «That's strange,” suggested the philan- thropist’s wife. Kot at all strange,” came from the young married woman. ** You see, before I was married I used to spend half my time wor- rying about what dress I should wear when Daniel called.” «But don’t you try just as hard to look well when your husband returns home at night?” interrupted Mrs. Yeast. Well, you see, went on the bride of two summers, ‘I don’t worry any about it now, as I have only one dress to my name.”— Yon- kers Gazette. —Do take some Mr. Blood, for they —Harvard Lampoon. Rerav Hospirauiry, more of the vegetables, go tothe pigs anyway. Care Witt Kitt 4 Cat.—The care must be exercised in taking aim. It is extremely difficult, however, to hitone in the dark with a bottle. —New Orleans Picayune. comicbooks.com