Judge — March 22, 1884 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. THAT BOY. No. Ny, Tue Bap Boy or to-pay—* What does the white squaw want of Schuylkill Jack?” — | added sarcastically; and bridling up in an ominous manuer. “Yes, yes, my dear,” said Mr. S. in adepre- catory to nd perceiving that his wife gave unmistake fan impend- ing explosion, he hi ate herand by adding, » I quite with you in think- ing that this Profe iliemann must be a most wonderful n as a discoverer nk with Christopher Colum- ce Newton, old Diogenes, who ed ar. honest man, or tried to—but if he succeeded I guess he was the only one who ever did, before or since—and all the rest of ’em. i such wonderful dis ies of the past,” continued Mr. Spilkins, a sly smile and humorous twinkle of the eye, ‘he might be able to future. He might, for instance, discover when the Washington monument will be completed; enough money will be raised to pay for the pedestal to the Bartholdi statue; when a genuine civil servic form will be sincerely adopted by both parties; who will be our next president; and when the tariff will be finally and permanently adjusted upon a busis entirely satisfactory to all concerned; but perhaps this would be too much even for him, But, seri dear, if you will read that paragraph ‘care- fully, you will perceive that it is intended only for a joke.” OWh 1 Mrs. Spilkins indig- nantly, “ nean to tell me that it is nothing but a dirty newspaper lie “ Tardly that, my ¢ ots y it was meant for a joke,” replied her husband. “Well,” cried Mrs. as if horrified by the discovery, “I will never believe what read in the newspaper: an't appreciate lies, if that’s what you pilkins,” imed his wife, in a ly virtuous tone; ‘and I don’t want you to bring such papers into the house;” and, as if to impress ber husband with the fate that would overtake all such newspapers that might have to fall into her hands in the future, she seized the mendacious and offend- ding sheet and threw it indignantly into the fire, while her husband, with an inward sigh and a look of patient and long-suffering resignation upon his face, silently employed the next few minutes in pounding into small pices the remnants of the paper through the ba f ate With the poker, helping to ase Mrs. Spilkins’s outraged moral 8 T. Ou. Pettibone as a Horse Trader. a great admirer would go into raptures | splendid animal and equally so over count nag. The fact of the Pettibone is no judg all of ‘hoss flesh; and the one weakness of the genial old chap is that he won’t acknowledge his failure. He is the owner of a horse; and such a horse! ‘This particular animal has been handed down from generation to generation until hi has been entirely lost among the de He is a jumper; this may seem strange to the average reader. Surely the horse has arrived at the maturity of the mellowy golden, and ought to know better than to practice the friskiness of a bonhome d colt with sorrel mane and burdock tail. After the Major had stood it long he could, urried down the ancient nag’s coat with the wire barn broom, hitched him before the jumper and sallied forth upon the war pike with blood in his eye. He is looking for a trade. The man who looks for a dicker in ‘ hoss flesh’ don’t have to search far befere he finds a party who is bent upon just such another mission, The professional horse trader is a strange freak of nature. Asa fabricator he can give the veteran circus clown big odds, home under the wire with to spare. «No; don’t know as he cares to trade. Satisfied with the animal he’s got. Don’t understand much ’bout ‘hosses’ anyhow— still, might talk the thing over, and— Well, it was just such a fellow as the fore- gone whom Major Pettibone met. The stranger's horse seemed to be a likely animal and—if he (Major) wanted to give twenty dollars boot why—he might swop. ‘The Major laughed slyly behind the other’s back as he unbuckled the traces and made the trade. His old nag wasn’t worth twenty dollars; he’s very sure he has made a good bargain. “Treat the old ‘hoss’ good, stranger; he’s been in the family a long—I dozen lengths me: | th-imble | kicker and paid twenty doll met | the whip. | the reins, very red of face. | The je | | | and come | | went home. n the family will long to know that he’s in good han cried the Major; stranger drove off. The Major tickled his new horse with the whip, and he thought a cyclone had struck him when he felt the pieces of dashboard rattling about his head. ‘A kicker, by I’ve gone and traded off an nnocent jumper for a pesky, d 3 to | Must there; so—easy f the Major cogitated as he urged the new horse along. re he had gone a mile he another man who—‘ Didn't care to rade. Satisfied with his an an¢ lidn’t know much “bout a ‘hoss,’ etc. The *s beast looked a good piece of horse > Major traded. His new horse d off well enough and—then he stopped. First the Major touched him with The horse scratched his off car with his off hind hoof a ¥ an inch, Then the Maj slapped the reins upon the animal’s back. ‘0 good. The beast wouldn't step off in the Te: The Major got out and took the the horse by the bit and—after considerable urging got the horse to lead. ‘The horse made a spring, and as the jumper flew by the Major also made a spring and suceeded i pturing the seat where he sat holding Then—the nag he Major tried all the 8 had heard of, which were used to make a balky horse go. ‘I'he horse grew st; he took’ root; he wouldn’t stir a peg. Major was now mi First, twenty dollars to boot for a kicker; now—a balky horse. Ife was ready to hug himself with disgust. He would give the world just to the old jumping nag back. get around a jumper; but a wicked, nimal is only good for soap grease. the Major was there sweating and muttering impr tlemanly foot passenger came Ile equainted with the Major's offered the Major one hun- dred and fifty dollars for harne jumper and « His offer was snapped at. fe presented a check upon a well-kno bank for two hundred dollar ded over the fifty dollar check and stepped back to ger get the balky an cusy mat small stone to ast to the tip of the car g charmed beast sped like the wind. Kk through the dust the weary Major trudged. He would have just time to get the check ashed at the village bank. Ile went to the cashier and presented the check. The ashier smiled, oved it back and said: No good; not worth the paper it is written upon.” A’ sore-hearted man, a disgusted man, a man ready to sell himself for a cent, The Major is ready to fight at the drop of the hat with any man who dares to mention ‘hoss trader,’ even to this day. this “ugly get rid of s0—¢1 Whoa! now dilemma, horse, ¢ the » to go. generous That M8, KELLER, Tur bloom on the grape that a touch will dispel ‘The dance of a zephyr o'er moss-bank and dell; The breath of a rosebud, the glint of a star, The echo of music when heard from afar; The ethereal mildness that comes in the spring; The mellow solemnity autumn doth bring; Are all unsubstantial, evanescent, subdued,— And so are the legs of the a dude. Norristown Herald. STANDARD Goop: lk and bunting. comicbooks.com