Judge — October 6, 1883 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. From penurious We count and re With many a throb of p ‘Too thankful if the sum Can defy the winter coming, And send us from our Uncle's doors With “ Benjamins” agai SNJAMIN’S DAY. Pennsylvania—An oil monopol adelphia lawyer, A white 1 step, and a starved coal miner. Rhode Island—A Newport surf and a clam-bike. South Carolina—The answer given by the vernor to the remark made by His Excel- lency of North Carolina, | Tennessce—A_ mule. whisky and | twenty-seven p ‘ | ‘Tex A bowie knife. A revolver, and an interesting case of Jim jams. Virginia—One of the F. F. V's. The mother of a President; and the only (thank, heaven) Mahone! | Vermont—Chester A. Arthur. Wisconsin—A keg of Milwaukee und a} Dutchman to drink it. | West Virginia—A Railroad man. John | Brown’s body and a great Future. From each of the Territories, a claim to be admitted into the Union. ble door- Mrs. Squizzle at Home. EXTRACT FROM JOU! I’m gittin tuckered out with that man Squizzle; in fact I've arrived at that. stait where fourbearants ceasis to be a vertue. My threts don’t take hold on him as the; used:to, but how kould I expect it. Dise don’t even tackle to him; tho he is in the same dweling it lets him terribly alone and fastens its fangs onto Sally Mari and I. Yes, the very ole lord has bin in our midst and marked’ us for his own. Chicken-pox. is nuthin to kompare to it. I didn’t kare very mutch for myself, for Squizzle will live to the age of Methusaler—the Squiazlezes all do—and I shall never be in the market again, but poor dear, I did feel her so dented up and discolored. tor only laft when I told him I was afra’ Sally “Mari’s komplexion was ruined ‘uthin of the kind, my dere madam, ezhe. ‘You jest git a punkin from the field that the frost has softened and put it on her fase, and you'll find that in the kourse of two or three weeks she'll kum out as fare asa lily.” I got the punkin so plit it, and, after makin holes for the eyes and nose, put half on Sally Mari’s face and t’other f on min I thought if it would make her fare as a lily - T y. A Phil- Wir the waning of September, We remember, we remember, How last April all our overcoats In lavender were laid; And in long and sad processions We regain our “loaned” posseasions— For the autumn is the heyday Of the gay pawn-broking trade. there was no rea me fare too. Jabez came posting in just as we got the punkin on our fases. ‘* What pon airth are you two doin—n jack-o-lunterns of yourselves?” he asked. ~ [didn’t answer him, for the punk my mouth and [kouldn’t; so I just banged the dore in his fase without answerin him. He knew what that ment, and retired to the pertater patch back of the house and went to work agin. I hante got over his’ meanness in lettin Jerusha Jawbitt git the best of me. Ide sot my heart on that blue bonit and he new it. It was a real geniwine imputation from Madam Duha, Paris. You could rede it in guilt letters on the inside of the krown lining, so there was no humbug about it. It was 3 utiful fit. Tordered it sent home. , [was over to brother Blab’s private orfice in the midst of a diskussion regarding the morril atmosphere of the town, when word came that I was wanted home. The blue bonit had arrived. ‘There was a time when Squizzle wouldn’t have dared put his eyes jside my band-bo: but he’s in a deplorable state of insurrection now. He had opened that band-box, hawled out that bonit, made remarks about it, sent | it back with the bill unpaid, accompanied | with konsiderable sass. Te even went so far as to say h’d fixed things so I wouldn’t e enter the milliner’s shop again, but never was mortil man more mistaken. Sally Mari met me with teres in her eyes, and in the langwidge of the poet told me what her had dun. It read thus: He stamped and took an oath or two. Here’s my opinion on it: That man deserves a gibet who won't buy his wife a bonit. ly Mari,” says I, ‘I must raze the myself to pay for it, for that bonit I | must have.” ‘ Mother,” she sez, “you'r | rite.” Squizzle didn’t sleep much that nite, y bet. He thought I’d got bonit on the brain. | T gave hima of my mind four hours long by the klock. ‘Hadn't you better stop long enough to git breth,” says he “you mite choke, you kno.” | Presious little you’d kare if I did,” sez I. mortgage the turkey tails and gese that’s goin to be picked for Thanks- | givin, and I'll pay for that bonit with the | proceeds, and you kant help yourself. I'll on why it shouldent make n was over tell you another thing I’m agoin to do; I'm a-goin to the Fair of the American Institu- tion. I’ve got two squashes that beat the universe and a turkey gobbler that ways thirty-five pounds, and they are goin with me. Sally Mari is goin too with her patch- work quilt. You needn’t think you can sneak off by yourself this time. If President Arthur is there 's goin to ask him to rite his name inthe centre of her quilt. The life of singleness that he ledes weighs on him, Twant nuthin else that upset his stumick out at the Fishing Banks reckon, poor fellow.” A apy in Toronto recently started to laugh at some amusing incident, and after keeping it up for some time she attempted to stop and couldn’t, If she had only pos- sessed presence of mind enough to have gone and got a copy of Punch it would have been effective, but she didn’t, and had to call in a doctor. Dr. WitLis announces the fact that “‘mothers-in-law are not laughed at in Per- sia.” Same here. He must be a bold, bad man, without any hair, who would laugh at his mother-in-law. Tue members of Congress will not be blamed by the people for giving them cheaper postage, so they can congratulate themselves on the saving of one cent-sure, Wuey a poet prepares a long-winded poem, docs he measure it by the gas-metre. That would be a good way to get in the ‘words that burn.” Ir must be encouraging to the shoemaker to know that, though often defeated in his aspirations, he is sure to succeed at the last. Ir is said that “a drop of nicotine on the end of a dude’s tongue will kill a puppy.” We don’t believe it. Tnoven crazy fish was probably never heard of, large numbers are undoubtedly found to be in seine. Wn are youfg lovers liko a legislative ing” committee? Because their busi- ness is to in-vest-i-gate, comicbooks.com