Judge — August 25, 1883 — page 4: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. SLOW sw nes of the in nature must live by loving; breeze My heart is th Doomest my passion and mn e plainly the dance f Aimeh? thy slightest wont lt “Warm iy heart like a tropic su Why, Oh Why? AN ESSAY ON TID, INNATE PERVERSITY OF OBJECTS ANIMATE AND INANIMATE * Lnever had a piece of bread Particularly good and wide But L was sure to let it fall And alrvys on the buttered side — Unknown but Accurate Observer, Wity do things go wro: Why is life so full of inconvenience Why, ifa thi happen inone of two ways, does it alw out that the i eeuble occurs? echo answers, Why? Why does the ster’s cart turn out of the street into Broadway just at the moment you 4 at tempting to ero: By what me does it regulate its as to turn down the next street just as you have reached it? Why is there always a jam of vehicles on the crossing you are about t p use of, and ere never a poli n where he is does your watch fulfill its and record the lapse of time with all the time vou are in pnfront you at every turn, and where 4 Aly ever have oeca- sion to take it out of pocket; and why does it go wrong the moment it aceompanie: yout retired country nook where time- pieces scarcely exist? By what diabolical Ingenuity does a fragile ornament occupy the place where you have been accustomed to put your match-safe, with the inevitable result of its breakage when you come (as sooner or later you will) to seek for matches in the dark; and why does the crash inevit- ably occur at the very time when it is es tially important for you to be noiseless? Who has not observed—the ** who.” of course, being included in that great world which is sionally out late o’ nights—that when he is ascending the stairs eny time after mid- night, with every precaution which elaborate carefulness can’ suggest, stairs will creak and groan with a noise and persistence that they were utter strangers to when you li tly raced up them, three steps at a time, after breakfast? And who has not observed whe those Pause, a mali; {ter the storm is done— ised with a listless motion, s soul to the ris acefully bendin; summer ws at evening trending tward swayed with the swayin ful Stir —yet to thy dai T compare ind warm, Sound, comm Is there st the jon like mine with a sare wine of a vint y rich draught — pitiless moving beauty Ldie contented when I bave quatfed! Fli tamborine, and sit by my is melody, mu To thy soft words Ah, thou hearest—thou Bless t love! for the Dull earth, vanish! and 6 Love, 1 would die in a dre am like this pray, aside and le a while; ident fers vly ile answerin: kiss large and important eate door yields readily to his lateh-key at a time when he could as easily secure admittance by ringing the bellas not, while in the wee sma? hours the same keyhole ms with mnand devilish ingenuity w the ke: > matter how de unipulated? Who has not hurry at some time in his life, himself at that very time road accident or a stre blockade, such as never occurred to him when he merely trave to kill tin Who has not missed a train, owing to its starting on time, never in the memory of man yan within fif- teen minutes of the schedule before? Who has not had a letter miscarry owing to the stamp dropping off (defective mucila; who would not be ready to. make that the missive thus intercepted most important he ever wrote Who has not ¢ “l summer | pledged himself to remain the season—per- haps even paid in advance—without dis- that the paradise on earth was eaten up with mosquitoes and malaria? And who ever Wrote a disquisition upon any subj without discov v (after his article w type) that he omitted the most. ee and obvious argument that he could ha upon in support of his position? And we are willing to bet all Pearl street ainst an oyster shell, that such will be when we come to read these words in Tit Jvuoee ry—that the street elud ber it may bem in a snd found ard and ACCORDING t pfessor Young, the total quantity of light emitted from the sun is equal to 6,300,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,- 000 candles, It is pretty certain that the professor is mistaken at least a dozen in the number of candles, but whether he has the figures too high or too low, t ler_may easily determine by purchasing 000,000,000,000,000,000,000 candles ing the experiment. by MANY morbid curiosity hand with microscopes, remains passed through th resting-} seekers were on Tom Thumb’ city to its Ia eby it | involved in a rail- | whieh | in his life? | WITH PATENT SELP SUG!) =TING MORALS. NO.) ONcr upon a time ther lived a larg constrictor on the margin of a grassy 1 Ile led a happy, easy Ite, and never Ti particul Hout anything, but nev- ertheless he was not contented. He was a very greedy snake, and his especial failing was an overmastering desire to swallow ev= prything, animate and inanimate, that came within reach, or, as a rule, had he much lifficulty in doing as he desire He was im- mensely large, and more powerful than the other inhabitants of the pool, which were mainly eels and small-fry and he swal- | lowed scores of these every day. He had enor- mous powers of deglutition and a fault] { digestion, and if he had contented himself | with small fry his life would have been a [tong and happs one. | But, ast told you above, he could not resist the temptation of swa allowing everything he saw; and. or in an evil hour (for him), he happened st his eyes on a tall tree which near the pool. He at once, according to his usua | custom, prepared to absorb it into himself. he collared > how any | The monster he put out his tongue an Slavered it over and quietly swallowed it So far, so good; but the work of digestion had yet to be accomplished, and this v companied by unnsnal difficulties; for the brauches of the tree stuck in his throat and irritated him; the solid mass of the trunk wether and refused to be disint ted, and, altogether, the unhappy boa < strictor 3 pretty bad way, He writhed and struggled und twisted this way and th and deeply regretted the overmastering reed iness which had led him to swallow the tre trank—and at length he choked to death np- on By-an I-by, some men came by, ond seeing the corpse of the great snake, wit denuded tree-trunk sticking out outh, said, “Oh my! see the Loi sked to death on the tel and then sumeone else said, : what did he swallow ved him Which part of this little story can Jay Gould find a al in? laters is makin’ ov theirn ig T First Boy— «mighty fresh ; tamed if [don't Ulicce they stop the biled pertaters from smoking next !* the “who” again belonging to the same comicbooks.com