Judge — March 17, 1883 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“LET ME SEE ONE OF A GUM-BOIL RHYME. {kaw a maid with flowii A brow like alabaster white, Form that the rarest sculpture mocks, Eyes that vied with stars of night, She smiled—her pearly tocth I see, Dimpled her cheeks, her form was fair, Lips that might tempt the laboring bee, To sip his honied sweetness there. ext time we met, her lips ne‘er oped, Her swollen cheek refused a welcome smile, She turned her face and vainly boped To hide her gum-boil for a while Next time f saw ber she had had it lanced and w; all right ror WHITTAKE Cunning Mrs. Doogan. Ir waa a five-story tenement of that kind known as double-house: that la, there were two suites of rooms | extending front and back on each floor; these were again divided into front and back rooms, 80 that foar | families could live on each floor. | None but the very wealthy families could afford to indulge in the extravagance of a ‘floor through.” Mrs. Doogan was one of these wealthy tenants; she kept boarders, and had a * floor through.” | Mrs. Doogan’s boarders were mostly of the masculine gender, who regularly paid their board every Saturday | sight. The female boarders were generally composed | of domestics “looking for a place.” Mra. Doogan, with the inborn instinct of her genus, | was a firm believer in ‘economy is wealth.” In the pursuance of that noble motto, it was her hamane custom to allow her boarders to sleep In the morning | until the whistles of the factory, in which some of them | labored, announced five minutes before seven. Of | course the men Jumped out of bed ina hurry, and not | having time to sit at breakfast, the benevolent board- ing-mam would tell them to “‘take a bun and run.” YOUR $6 OVERCOATS.” She played this little game until the bright intellect of a boarder encbred her, by Informing his fellow- boarders that the next time she told them to “take a bun and run” they should not take a bun nor a rup, but remain at the house and partake of breakfast While the foregoing anecdote is an example of the depravity of boarding-mame in general, it is an exam- ple to down-trodden boarders, who may be snfferi siler “kick” as effectually as did the “take a ban and ran” boarders. et, nday night was the time when the tioned later on occurred among the boarders, and t guests, One of the most reliable male boanlers was about to ascend the bymeneal steps with an The heart of Mrs, Doogan was sad, but she was clothed In dissimulation and a calico gown. The bride had been boardiag with Mrs. Doogan for and had not yet cleared her financial \cidenta men- There was a were nninerous invited chambermaid, falls, and if the expectant bride thonght she was going to escape payment, she displayed her most lamentable ignorance of boarding-mam Paychology. The happy hour approached when the boarder was to leave forever the scenes of his bachelor misery, with | the binshing maid (if forty-year-old ex-chambermaids can be said to binsh) whom he was about to lead to Hymen’s altar. ‘The happy pair took leave of all pres- ent and several pieces of cutlery. But ere they made | their exit, the form of the irate boarding-mam *woop- ed down upon the two doves, and demanded: “+ Phere air yes goin'!” “We're going to get married,” answered the bride- groom, falteringly. She knew very well where they were going. “Oh, yees air, air ye? Well, would ye object to liqui- dating a small board bill of forty dollars” “Av coorse we would,” heroically replied the bride- groom, regaining courage under squeezes and nudges from his bride. “Ob, my, how very big ye nir,” said Mrs, Doogan, be- coming satirical. ‘Then changing to a tragedy queen fury, she yelled: “Not a living soul will cross this doore until I ai rf Those who were watching the bride at this critical juncture, saw a queer expression core into her face. “Mrs. Doogan,” said the bride, “if ye would avoid a long spell of sickness, likewise a doctor's bill, and pethaps a funeral in which ye shall be the object of ad- miration to your friends, take the advice of a chamber- maid who has been watching and waiting for a hus- band for twenty years, and now that ste bas got him at last, a phalanx of boarding-mams could not ob- stract my way to the altar. I have delivered my spon- taneous valedictory—beware !” The boarding-mam never winced. She held the fort by the open door. The boarders and guests silently awaited the finale, and the tenants crowded the upper fight of stairs, and offered gratuitous advice to the actors in this drama, Hit them with a fish-ball, Mra. Dooga Teddy Doyle, who lived on the top floor back. “Walk on the hash-maker, blushing bride !" shouted another tenant. Parenthetically it might be remarked that the door which Mrs. Doogan obstructed was at the head of a steep flight of stairs A whispered consultation waa held between bride and groom; at its conclusion they asked, “Mra. Doogan, will ye lave the doorway f Mrs. Doogan remarked that all the artillery in the United States army could not budge her. Not another word was spoken in parley—there waa a swoop, a yell, shouted | and in four sixteenths of a minute Mrs. Doogan and the bridal party were gracefally rolling dowa the stairs in promiscuous confasion, When they reached the landing they were slightly entangled, bat by the strenuous efforts of philanthropic tenants they were disentangled after forty-five minutes’ tugging. The bride had lost eeveral articles of apparel, including ber hair and false teeth. The groom with blackened cyea, and with bis coat parted in the middle, display- ing his suspenders, triumphantly led bis bride to the cab which was totake them to church. The boarding- mam has not yet been thoroughly collected together, as she was of an iron constitution, having never eaten of her own buns, great hopes for her recovery are entertained. ERR BARNAY. EXTRA! STARTLING SocIAL SENSATION! Soctery STIRRED TO ITs Derrus! WHAT MRS. GRUNDY SAYS! Prem Avenve Exenctwep! VEN PRORTA PARALYZED Monray His. Pozzs Cutcaco, 48 Yer, Has NoT BEEN Heanp From! A RevoLcTION IN THE Hav Tox! Ara our upper Circles of Society, as Stated, Rotten to the Core? Fastuxn DeveLorwents ane Hourty Expecrep! Camte to THe “New York Heratp!" Panis, Praxce, March 8, 1883. It is rumored that Lady N——g, who will be recol- lected in New York society as a daughter of Mr. -h-u-m-p (the well-known broker), has recently been publicly accused of powdering by the Marchioness QED. (The above appeared in the Evening Telegram three years ago.) tk CHANGE YOR A DOLLAR. Sovowox Isaacs isn't on real kiss-re-in-the-moath friendly terms with his next-door merchant, and con- sequently when Solomon rushed In the other day with a dollar bill in his band, and exclaimed: “Can you give cercbange for a dollar!” his neighbor looked rather owly, but said that he thought he could, if Solo- mon would walt until he unlocked his eafe. After fooling with the combination lock several minutes, he swung open the door, took Solomon's dollar bill, and handed him in return a trade dollar, while a *‘ bland" emile lit up his countenance. . Solo- man sald not a word, but seeing how nicely be bad been sold, made a bee-line across the street to ex- changéthe trade dollar for ‘kevarters,” at a discount of two per cent. comicbooks.com