Judge — January 27, 1883 — page 6: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

THE JUDGE. FMAN.— "Holl “Campy. "*To the d SPOOPENDYKE'S PRINTING PRESS, BY HOR BRAIN. Arraxr came fice recently, and offered to bet us five dollars that he could write better stories in the Spoopendyke style of architecture than the in ventor himself, Although we are a member of tive churches, and a synagogue, we took this worldly youn man’s bet, and lost. We got the however, bere it is. The other night Mr. Spoopendyke arrived home with a very heavy package, which he proceede! to set in the sitting-room with a very mysterious air. © The Spoopendyke,” he remarked, as he pat the object down and mopped off bis streaming brow with a “there is a grand “Oh, what can it be!” squealed Mrs. Spoopendyke, in a hysterical of delight ; ! T know, it is carpet for the hall. How perfectly sweet of you to think of it, “It is not that,” “ You will have to guess again.” Well, what else could it bet” simpered Mrs. Spoop- endyke, a8 she started to crochet a tidy, with a blue worsted stork standing on one leg in the midst of some stance which might be taken for grass, clouds, or a Uiackberry patch; ‘maybe it’s a hat-rack, or a wash- ing-machine.” No, Mrs. Spoopendyke,” said her husband, not a washing machine, neither is it a kit ora chain-pamp, Your guess also falls sbort if you think it's a refrigerator, or a freestinguisher. It’s a printing-press, on which I expect to do all my own printing hereafter.” ‘Oh, bat isn’t that lovely !” flattered Mrs. Spoopen- he stork and rushing to ber busband’s 't we do the loveliest things with It! Is it the kind that the Herald and Bazar and all those pice papers are printed with “Ob, yes, Mra. Spoopendyke,” growled her husband, “you've bit it exactly. This is the very kind. I got Mr. Bennett to kindly try it on, sons to get it the same size as the Herald is printed on.” “And will you print papers with yours like Mr. Ben- nett and the other editors!” continued Mrs.Spoopendyke Umidly. Oh, but won't I, thoagh?” yelled her husband. neeled a dod gasted femal ¢ idiot to think of that; strack the proper plan. We'll knock the kitchen and woodshed into one, and publish The Daily Washboard, price three cents, invariably in advance, edited by Mra. Spoopendyke; choice literature and editorials by a trained corps of competent literateurs, ete. Sabs now, and get two quarts of premiam potat M1 had your titerary printing I'd get a ye urprise for you. id Mr. Spoopenuyke, gravely, wit is hen-r: ott ribe seal, ete. genins and knowledge aboot low paper and distribute myself What idea through the mails aaa moral family newspaper. ye think a printing press ia, anyway? Got a | it be wrong side np the blast is going of wash brush? Think you can print show-bill with a 3x4 press? Well, I tell ye th yecan’t. Can it into your measly head that this is. cant press, and ca three inches by four inches!” “Ob, it'sa ventured Mrs. Spoopen: dyke; then we can print those beautifal Christmas cards on it, can't we Now you' ea. Wt prints in e get and press, ie it celled her husband, “that’s the birty-tive different colors at esiszn, from the picture of an ¢ coat, loatlag round somebody's chim- fall of jumping-jacks, to the New 3, represented by a hump-backed baby dressed in a broad grin, and a napkin tied round his Id year, dressed as an old tramp with a mowing machine and a gallon jug of whisky under his arm. That's the idea, exactly. Think you nd lithographs on it, don't yout You can only print one color, and you grasp it now?” . Spoopendy : im. y Jerank with a sealskin ov ney with a game-ba waist, drivin can print chromos Well, you can't that is black. Th “Well,” said M print visit fou can g-cards on itt” Yes, Mra. Spoopendyke, I ean,” in a softer tone, and he grew ina az he proceedel to show his wife th xterity in the use of the type At last he got his worthy helpmeet’s name s type, and proceeded to put the chase on the press with agrand flourish, But in an evil hour be had neglected to key itup, and at the first touch the whole business went to pl, and at the next fell in a co over the carpet. “Why, what makes it do that?” said dyke, laughing. “What makes it do what, Mra. 8.2" sn band, as be hit mad dive after th press and exhibit hisd \d press, sed mass all Spoopen- ered her hus- his head on a corner of the type. Wh na d'ye s'pose makes itdo itt What makes anything do anything? If 1 had your talent for asking idiotic questions, I'd get a glass of beer and a three-inch paper collar, and live out ‘a8 a prosecuting attorney.” By this time the worthy gentleman had got the name set up and securely fastened, and was printing with great gusto; but he had, unfortunat the types in wrong order, and the first eight perfumed visiting- cards came out like the following: wekydnepoopS aM When Mrs. Spoopendyke saw it she set up a little sereatny**Oh, but lan't that fanny though. What makes “Funny!” howled her husband with horrid derision, as he grasped the situation. ‘It's a perfect thunter- bolt of fan, It's the most deliciously hamorons thing of the century. It’s Mark Twain and Artemns Wa conaolidated. isement of liver pills on the cover, and a joke about a goat on the first page, to be a comi janac. With your ap- All you need is an adver Not a0 successful a passage after all, preciation of humor, ead grin and $3,000 worth comedienne of the American hoards the measly types tarned wrong? They'y be tamed round t After half an hour of diligent labor, the type in in position, securely keyed press. When the arrang ke tarned roun ly Heft his th tolen diamonds, to be the le Can't you sew only got to e other way.” pand puton the ments were completed, Mr. Spooper to wink at the baby, and of the Mrs. Spoopendyke, in her anxiety how well ineautio mb over the edge to show and he utderstood and ap- preciated the press, commenced to work it with her foot with great vigor. Teclosed with a doll thad on that genUeman’s thamb, making him jump four feet high, an on that would have made the company of pira ! J gast the measly printing press,” be shrie pashed the burner with it, and then be threw it in the alley Haven't ye got any 8 yt Why don't ye go on with the ente The measly thing only Why don’t ye begin on the keleton ) Why don’t ye Bish the chapter?” and Mr. poopendyke danced up-stairs, tive at atime, with a ing injunction to his wife to bire out for a slaugh- J utter an exclama: J lieutenant of a 3 blush ras the bone “Well,” said Mra. Spoopendyke, as she picked op vaby, and pat a pitcher of water where her hus- nl would be sure to fall over it when he went downs ins in the morning, *if we have so much trouble in printing one word, I wouder how Mr. Bennett and Tue Jvose get along with a whole newspaper to print.” Talkin Calico Print \s the name of a new Californ per. We suppose it won't be long before some rival editor will be alluding to it as a dirty rag. Tue much-abused mother-in-law comes up smiling, with the following left-hander: “I thougtt my son- in-law was an angel before he was married, and now I wish he was one. Oty gammon: up oleo rine. Tur Qeeny for country schoolmasters: Can the man who boards ‘round ever be said to get a square meal? “Txsow not what other men may say,” exclaimed the immoral Henry (Fleming), “but for me liberty or give me—a much lighter verdict for damages, in re Livingstone. Berrien secre Brooklyn bridge. The actual expenditures of the A rien hand: That of the bashful young man, comicbooks.com